Dear Mary Elizabeth 💕

Dear Mary Elizabeth, 

I often wonder how I have been able to live without you. It doesn’t seem possible that you are really gone or that the world could possibly rotate without you in it. I imagine you are in a parallel universe walking right beside me. I imagine you are similar to the air. I can’t see you but I know you are there. Just like the O2 I need to survive, I also can’t live without you. Since I can’t live without you, you must still be near. I know because if I listen closely I hear your voice whisper in my ear. We sometimes meet in my dreams. We were so close and you were my best friend. A bond like that can never be broken, not even by death. I know you see my tears and watch my suffering but I promise I hear you saying “Mommy, I’m here. Don’t be sad. I love you.” I hear you and I am really really trying to be strong, strong just like you. You are my inspiration. I have never seen anyone come close to the strength you had. It is still an inspiration to so many. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people going through tough times tell me your fight got them through their struggles. They often say to me, “If Mary could do it then I can too.”  Please stay close to your daddy and Whit and Maddy. I know you do. They need you and I pray they hear you too. I often think about the advice you would be giving Maddy and how you would be rolling your eyes and laughing at her stories. I think about you hugging Whit and telling him how to play ball and how to treat girls. 

I promise I am doing better. I can tell stories about you and smile and laugh now...sometimes. I can think of you more and cry but come back to reality and keep going. I think that is called healing. I understand I can never be fully healed from losing you but maybe eventually the wound won’t bleed so much. I imagine you are busy up in Heaven. You are such a good friend and so smart. I know you are comforting those new and lost, making them feel welcome and comfortable in their new home. I know I will see you soon. For you time is most likely different, maybe it moves faster. Here on earth it seems to drag on. Soon is relative but I know the reunion is coming and the anticipation of that day keeps me going. Please keep guiding me and showing me how to keep your dreams and spirit alive. That is my job now. 

I want to apologize to you for any mistakes we made. For any unnecessary pain we caused you. We always tried to follow your wishes and keep you from pain. We tried to save you and allow you to live because we know that is what you wanted also. I know you forgive us for anything we did wrong and that gives me peace because you always forgave and had the most genuine and pure heart of anyone I’ve ever known. I also feel when you went to Heaven you were not scared and at peace. I know because I saw you smile. I love you with all of my being...I know you know. I also know you are always with me, especially during these extra difficult times like the holidays. 

I will see you soon,

Mommy ❤️
2 Corinthians 5:6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Thanksgiving table 🦃

I haven’t updated the blog in a while. Honestly I haven’t felt much like writing. I didn’t feel like there was anything new to say really. After a while it seems like things are basically the same and my feelings are the same. I get tired of talking about the same thing. Time is marching on and my time away from Mary has just gotten longer. In some ways I feel stronger but sometimes I still feel like a weak, lost puppy. I think I live in denial a lot of the time to function in the everyday world. I can’t look at pictures or memories of her without getting sad and falling apart. I do go there sometimes when I need to feel Mary’s presence and when the missing her is unbearable. I can’t do this often. I have to find a quiet time alone to be in my misery and cry as I need to. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. It’s just so painful and my heart can barely take it. I miss her terribly and the worst part is she is never coming home. Missing her will never go away. I stay as positive and focused on my kids and projects as much as possible. I have had breakdown moments I didn’t think I could recover from, but I did. In many ways I have gotten out of the survival mode. I’ve had to take control of my life and my mental and physical health. I’ve had to figure out how to fix the things I could that were bringing me down. It’s a challenge because life is unpredictable. I feel the desire to control the things I can. I want to figure out who I am now and make the most out of this life. Especially if I am stuck here on this earth a while longer. Death changes you. My perspective and needs have changed. Idesire happiness, any 

little bit I can grab. It is like a drug that I look for and take any chance I can. It is fleeting but if I don’t treasure the bits and pieces I find I feel my soul will surely wither away.  

Halloween was harder than I imagined this year. I got stuck wondering what costume Mary would want. She always had such creative and different costume ideas. She had her own mind and didn’t go along with what was popular with the crowd. I cried over the missing candy bucket and extra candy we didn’t have to sort. I imagine if she were here she would feel old enough to go trick or treating without us. She would go with her friends throughout the neighborhood. She would have come home with funny stories and lots of laughter. I did put out more decorations this year than last. Mainly because the kids helped and wanted me to. They need things to be as “normal” as possible. I get it. There was still a box of Halloween things I never touched. Sometimes it just seemed easier to buy new stuff than to torture myself with past memories and cause myself more pain.  I just wasn’t ready to be “normal.” I don’t feel like anything is “normal” or ever going to be for me...maybe next year...

For Thanksgiving I decorated more than last year but there is still a box I couldn’t open...maybe next year. The kids wanted to move straight to Christmas but I am always adamant we take one holiday at a time and enjoy it for what it is. I actually let them decorate their rooms for Christmas early and we have some Christmas and Thanksgiving decorations intermingled. Why not???Who cares???Honestly I’m ready for the holidays to be over but I would never say that out loud. I am not a total Scrooge. Not totally. I am still very very thankful. I can choose to focus on the negative and be miserable or focus on the good. I can focus on the missing person at the Thanksgiving table or be thankful for who is still there. That is what this season is all about, focusing on being thankful. Mary would have been thankful for the food. She loved food and loved to eat. Thanksgiving was one of her favorite times because...well the food is 
awesome. Plus she loved her family so so much. 

There wasn’t much she didn’t love. Every year Inotice more and more people are missing from our Thanksgiving table. It makes me sad. This past year we have lost several family members and it will be especially difficult. One day hopefully extra people will be added to our table and I will still be alive to enjoy it, if I am lucky. This is a reminder to make the most of everyday and to spend time and enjoy every moment you can with those you love. Every second one spends sad or angry or depressed is a wasted moment you can never get back. I try to remember that and I hope you can also. 

I am thankful most for Mary. The 12 years I got to spend with her were a blessing. Being her mom was one of my greatest blessings. I’m thankful for the lessons she taught me and the love she shared with me. I am most thankful for that and I will try hard to stay focused on the positives. I am thankful for those still at the Thanksgiving table and for those missing this year. I am thankful for the many wonderful memories we were able to share throughout the past years. I hope all my loved ones can find the positives and keep focusing on those instead of the negatives. Life for me is now made up of moments and memories which I cherish. I want to make sure the moments are as good as possible. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends. Be sure and count your blessings. May the good always outweigh the bad.

XOUnited for a CURE fund

XOUnited for a CURE fund

Target Pediatric AML

I recently wrote this letter to briefly tell Mary's cancer battle and to try and gain support for the Target Pediatric AML Project. If you are ever curious about our story, why we fight and where the money we raise goes please read this letter. Currently we give 100% of all the $ we raise to this project because we earnestly believe it is the best research available for AML, one of the most underfunded childhood cancers. We also hope the research will benefit other childhood cancers as well. I will add a direct link to this project and you may also give directly to it if you feel as passionately about it as we do. I encourage you to watch the video in the link for yourself. Our United for a CURE fund has been able to give $350,000 and we will keep giving as long as we can, as long as we believe in this study and until there is a cure. 

The spring of 2014 was like any other. We were on the beach enjoying Spring Break at our family's favorite spot on the Georgia coast. Mary Elizabeth, our oldest daughter and 11 at the time, wasn't feeling quite herself. She was not eating well, looked extremely thin and seemed to have no energy.  During our Spring Break getaway, she complained of headaches and stomachaches, and even slept while out on the beach.  Prior to our trip, I had taken Mary Elizabeth to the pediatrician on several  occasions only to be told her symptoms were caused by allergies or her ADD medication. I knew something just wasn't right with her, and other family members concerns regarding her appearance and apparent decline in health reinforced my suspicions.  My intuition, and other family members' concerns, prompted us to cut our vacation short and head back to have Mary Elizabeth further evaluated.  We headed straight to children's urgent care center near our home to have her evaluated, including labs and 

blood work.  Initially, we were told that she may have Mono.  The doctor who evaluated Mary Elizabeth felt confident that she did not have cancer as he knew this was our primary concern.  I think it's always every parent's deepest concern when their child's health is in question and the reason isn't clear. The Mono test came back negative; however, the doctor told to us not to worry as she was more than likely at the tail end and probably on the rebound.  I tried not to worry and truthfully was somewhat relieved with the diagnosis of Mono as this condition is temporary and her health would soon improve.  It all kind of made sense or at least that's what I wanted to believe.  Unfortunately, April 10, 2014 would be our last day living in happy ignorance before the horrific phrase "your child has CANCER" entered our lives and began its relentless torment forever. I miss those days of ignorant bliss before knowing about pic lines, chemo, radiation, biopsies, spinal taps, PICU, dressing changes, BMT's, and so much more.  I wish our family didn't have know the horrific reality of childhood cancer. The next day, a nurse from the urgent care clinic called me to check on Mary Elizabeth. After I shared several continued concerns about her symptoms, additional lab tests were run on Mary Elizabeth's blood samples.  A few hours later I received a call from an oncologist to immediately take Mary Elizabeth to the ER at our local children's hospital as they suspected our daughter had leukemia.  Words I never fathomed I would hear.  Literally, my worst nightmare had become reality.  Truthfully, I had no idea the actual nightmare to come.  In that instant, my world started spinning and I had to hold onto the wall just to stand upright.  At that exact moment, my husband walked in the door from work.  All he had to do was see the look on my face and he just knew.  Everything from that moment on is one gigantic blur. We began the process of educating ourselves on the new world that we had been thrust into. My nature is to research and find answers so I did and learned all I could about leukemia even though we were advised not to. We soon learned we didn't have the most common form of childhood leukemia, ALL. We had the worst of the worst-Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML).  The information I gathered about AML was bleak at best. But our daughter was positive and strong. When we were in hysterical tears, including the doctor, trying to
 explain to her that she had leukemia, Mary 
Elizabeth told us very bravely that we needed to stop crying. She stated that she was going to be fine.  She said she was the one with cancer and she was the only one allowed to cry. She was right. We had to suck it up and be strong for her. It was hard to stay strong. I did cry. A lot. I cried outside, into my pillow at night, in the hall or in the shower. I tried to keep my promise not to cry in front of my strong and beautiful fighter. She would sometimes ask me if she was going to die. I would tell her "No, we are going to do everything in our power to keep that from happening." And she would say, "Fine then, let's keep going. I'll do whatever it takes to beat this." And she did. I've never seen any human, male or female or adult fight like this child of God fought to live. She fought through multiple ICU visits, three BMT's, near paralysis, indescribable pain, GVHD, fungal infections, two lung bleeds, two intubations, surgeries, painful chemo burns over 90% of her body, affects of radiation treatments and so much more. Things only conceivable in nightmares, but sadly it was our reality. Things no one can imagine unless they unfortunately have to live it. As a mom, it was the worst thing you can imagine to have to witness. This includes agreeing to daily torture of your child, sleepless nights, living in the hospital, being physically separated from your other children and family, PTSD, insurmountable stress, and much much more. All the while having to function and think as a sane and normal person because your child depends on you to be there no matter what.  You are doing everything in your power to ensure their daily survival. That is your sole purpose in life.  The day before Mary Elizabeth passed she still was able to eat her favorite food at the time which was deviled eggs. She was weak and didn't want to speak to the doctors, but when they asked if she wanted to keep fighting and if she wanted to continue with cancer treatments she played them Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" from her iPhone. When she was on more pain medicine than I've ever seen a person take, very sedated and close to the end, I whispered into her ear that it was ok for her to go to Heaven to be with her friends. She told me "I can't". Those were her last words to me.  She was a fighter.  She never ever gave up!  She still had work to do.  Now Our family must continue with that unfinished work. We talked constantly about fundraisers and how we would work endlessly to end childhood 
cancer if we were ever able to get out of the darn hospital. That's why we don't stop. Why we can't stop. That's why we work tirelessly to raise funds for research.  Someone has to, and if those who are passionate don't do it no one else will. These innocent children have been neglected for far too long.  In fact, forever.  What I wish I knew about AML before Mary Elizabeth was diagnosed are many things.  Mostly, I wish I had known that AML existed in my own back yard and that it isn't rare. I wish I had cared more and been involved in the fight. That is why we spread information to others so that Mary Elizabeth's life, and our family's continued struggles, aren't in vain. I believe people want and need to know the truth. I believe people want to make a difference. They just don't know how. This is why we chose to open up our lives to the public and let people see the truth and the horrific reality of childhood cancer. It needed to be seen. I wish I had known the facts, the honest facts. Let's be real, the stats you are told are complete BS. Looking back, I don't think we would have done anything different. Of course you always wonder and play the "what if game."  It's a horrible game and everyone who plays it loses.  Mary Elizabeth had very few treatment options. Her options were the same as those available 20, even 30, years ago.  While there are still limited treatment options leading to a cure, we have hope in the research and projects on the horizon.  We are excited about the possible break throughs that will come out of the Target Pediatric AML (TpAML) project currently underway.  TpAML gives us hope, real hope for a future cure. I hope more people will also believe in TpAML, share available information on TpAML and donate to the TpAML project.  It is time to make a difference.  Do it for Mary Elizabeth and every child that didn't deserve to suffer, their life forever altered or cut short because we didn't do enough or care enough.

Thank you. 

Mandi Paris

Mother of Mary Elizabeth Paris

Forever 12

 2-5-03 9-2-15
Target  Pediatric AML
united for a CURE

Target Pediatric AML

Two years...

Two of the longest years I've have ever known. 730 days without without your smiling face, beautiful heart and bright spirit. Two years of enough tears to fill an ocean. Two years of the worst longing and heart ache I have ever known. Some days I think I'm doing better, getting stronger. Some days your absence hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't function or move. I still can't go through your things or stay in your room for very long. I basically stay busy and live a life of denial, believing you will walk though the front door at any second telling me all about your day and talking non-stop. When I accept you are really gone that's when I feel like dying and like I can't breathe. I have to keep moving and breathing because people depend on me and I don't want to disappoint you. Death is permanent and I can leave family here behind. We have a lot of work still to do. I can't wish you back, cry you home, buy your freedom or pray your life to return back to me. What I do know is sometimes when I close my eyes you meet me in my memories, I sometimes get to hold onto you for a few precious seconds in my dreams. We are all guaranteed a final breath and I pray I see you one day on the other side. The waiting is hard and I'm not a patient person. In the meantime I will try to do what I can to educate and raise money and maybe save other lives in the process. We couldn't save yours and that will haunt me forever. I do know we did all we could and I know you also believe that as well. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed and I take nothing for granted. This is an invaluable lesson I hope everyone who hears your story learns. A lesson you taught me and countless others. Thank you for being my perfect daughter and blessing me every. single. day. We will honor you today and share happy memories because that is what you would want us to do. You left a big impression on this earth that won't easily be forgotten. I love you Mary. #takenothingforgranted

#morethan4 http://curecc.convio.net/site/TR/3rdParty/General?px=1001429&pg=personal&fr_id=1050

September-Childhood Cancer Awareness Month 🎗

Two years ago today I had no idea it would be my last full day with my beautiful daughter. Although it was starting to become alarmingly clear. She was sleeping a lot, needing a lot of O2 to remain comfortable and she was on a ton of pain medication. She had a drain placed into her chest to pull off fluid and we had been informed the fluid contained leukemia.  This news couldn't be good. My head was starting to communicate with my heart that Mary's time on earth was nearing its end. I actually dreamed the night before she had passed and my dreams always proved to be pretty prophetic. But just that morning she still had a hearty appetite and ate her usual meal of deviled eggs and was showing her usual spunk. When I whispered into her ear that it was ok to let go she told me "I can't". When I asked her if she was ok she got irritated and yelled at me "I'm fine!" I tried to tell myself that the fight wasn't yet over. I decided to try and relax some and I soaked in her smell. I held her hands. I rubbed her skin. I took in her warmth. I crawled into her tiny, hard, uncomfortable hospital bed. I laid down beside her and tried to snuggle up to her the best I could all tangled up among what seemed like a hundred wires, machines and pumps. I remember laying my head on top of her chest trying to block out the noise and just listened to her heartbeat. Her heart was always so very strong.  As the day passed we eventually began calling family letting them know we were starting to lose her. Mary was very still and not responding to our questions anymmore.  We were told she could still 
hear us so we talked to to her and told her we loved her over and over and over. Her brother and sister had to tell her they loved her and said their "good byes" over the phone. They were sad and angry. They were confused and so were we. None of this made any sense. They had no idea that just a few days before when they saw their 
sister, hugged her and kissed her that day would be the last time they would ever see her alive. And neither did we. If we had maybe we would have done and said some things differently, who knows? After many hours of watching my angel sleep silently and peacefully I happened to be sitting alone with her in a dim room just holding her hands. I had my eyes closed praying. She was no longer responding to us and I remember she squeezed my hand twice really really tight two times with so much strength it literally hurt my fingers. Then I saw a slight grin come across her lips and I heard a 

light ringing in my ears. I knew then, in my heart, that her spirit was gone. She was still technically alive breathing by a machine which forced air into her lungs. But I believe her spirit left her body at that moment. She wasn't able to physically speak because of the tubes down her throat but I believe she was telling me "good bye" and that she was ok the only way she was able. I didn't say anything to anyone for a while after about what happened. I didn't want to admit it was true, not even to myself. Her body didn't actually pass until the next morning when we finally had to make the gut wrenching decision to turn the O2 machine off. On Sept. 1st, which is also the 1st day of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, I believe Mary's spirit first entered Heaven. That is how Mary would have chosen it. She would enter Heaven's golden gates, walk down the golden streets, on a golden day greeted by her very special friends. Her many friends who entered the same golden gate a little bit ahead of her. She met Jesus on the beginning of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and made her stand against the disease that took her life and took her away from us. She always made a statement and had a big purpose. Her body stayed around until the next morning. We were not quite ready to let her go. I hate you cancer with all of my being. We will eventually beat you and destroy you for taking my daughter and too many innocent lives too soon. You can also help us fight childhood cancer by spreading awareness and giving to Mary's CURE page at the link provided below. Thank you. 

http://curecc.convio.net/site/TR/3rdParty/General?px=1001429&pg=personal&fr_id=1050

Dear Mary ❤️

• Mary,
• Tomorrow you should be starting your first day of high school with all of your friends. You would by now be taller than both your dad and I. You would be even more beautiful, graceful and confident without even realizing it. Everyone always envied your easy way of making new friends and helping others feel comfortable. You were never afraid to express yourself and be an individual. You would be joining many clubs and I am sure involved in drama and chorus. Boys would notice you but you probably wouldn't notice them. You would be too busy with school activities, church, serving others and socializing. This year you would be getting a learners permit to drive. How could that be??? You would be attending dances, performing, getting awards and becoming an even more amazing person. And your dance moves were something! You would be watching over your siblings and setting a great example for Whit and Maddy to follow. You always made me proud and amazed me with your compassion and courage. I am sad I don't get to see you grow up and become the girl in my dreams. But I know you have your Heavenly eyes and hands on your brother and sister and our family. It comforts me to know we have a real angel watching over us. I know you are proud of your friends and the example of how to live life which you left them. I will try to not be sad tomorrow as Whit and Maddy go off to school without you. I promise to TRY and not cry like 
• I always promise you. Or at least hide my tears so your brother and sister can feel joy and not sadness with beginning a new year. They are doing great and both are so excited about school which makes me feel very blessed. We love and miss you Mary every single day. Some days we seem to miss you just a little more than others. 

                                      Love,

                                   Mommy

September 🎗

https://curechildhoodcancer.thankyou4caring.org/gold-bows

It's already August...school starts back, routines and sports schedules get back on track and football is right around the corner. Go Dawgs! This is going to be our year!!!!😂🏈

It also means cancer parents start to prepare for September. The dreaded, exhausting month of gold ribbon awareness 💕🎗💛🎗. And if you are a family member of Mary Elizabeth's you get the double whammy of reflecting on the 2 year anniversary of her death (Sept. 2). If you are lucky you are able to focus more positively on her 12 amazing years on this earth. But unfortunately her horrid 17 month battle with AML, her untimely death and the 2 long, lonely, sad years missing her will also play a big role in these memories for me. These memories leave battle scars that can never ever fully heal. My broken heart can be crudely patched but never perfectly mended. Losing a child changes you in ways that you can't exactly explain to regular people who haven't experienced the same loss. You want to be angry but you are not exactly sure who or what to be mad at anymore. You want help to heal but you don't know where to look to find repair. You fight for change and awareness but eventually you get so frustrated and exhausted with the battle because you see almost no progress being made. No one seems to care. People forget. The world keeps turning and everyone's lives go on...except for yours. People don't seem to want to know the truth. The truth IS painful. The truth is I freakin' hate gold glitter, gold bows, lemonade stands, cancer walks, cancer t-shirts, cute cancer videos, all of it-seriously.  It's not cute or fun to me. It's depressing. The cancer stories make me cry and honestly it all sucks. I never knew we would be one of those sad cancer stories. I didn't want to believe childhood cancer happened to regular people like us. Sadly, every person who has a child with cancer thinks these same exact thoughts...."Why me? Why my child?" Eventually you think, "Why not me?" It can happen to anyone and we are proof. Why can't someone in congress, the President, someone in government, anyone with some power feel my same desperation and care~just a little???That's what we really need. We need someone to give a sh*t about our kids and give them a voice. We need a voice that people will listen to. Apparently no one listens to children. We may smile at that cute kid, pat them on the little bald head and say, "Awe, you are so sweet." Maybe throw a dollar in the jar and walk away. It's easy to walk away and forget when childhood cancer doesn't affect you...but I promise it very well might enter your home one day. It sneaks in when you least expect it and steals away all your hopes and dreams. It is a real, true and terrifying monster. We need health care that will cover these children's long term, lifelong health needs (if they are lucky enough to survive), drugs to fight their disease and research to find cures. Any available money seems to go to more meaningless projects or to further fatten the same old pockets. My friends are losing the health coverage their children desperately need, no new drugs are being developed and no new cures are being found for these innocent children. Children fighting to beat relentless cancers and live every day just to have a normal boring life. Almost 300 children around the world die everyday from cancer. 300. My child is dead. She actually never had a fighting chance and I am still making 100's of freakin' gold bows. Why? Because I don't know what else to do. Am I angry? Yes!!!! Am I frustrated? Yes!!!!What do I want people to know???? I want them to know where their hard earned $ is going. I want them to ask ?????'s. I want them to write, email and badger their local law makers and politicians for change. If you give $ to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) know it goes to mainly help adults with cancer. If you give $ to Relay for Life it benefits adults. If you give to the American Cancer Society (ACS) it helps adults. Only pennies on the dollar are given to benefit children. These are hard, true, sad facts. That is all well and good if that is where you want your money to go. Just know childhood cancer is different from adult cancer. It is genetically different. The causes are different. The cures and drugs for childhood cancer need to be different. If you cure cancer in an adult it will most likely not benefit cures for children. I personally believe if you first find cures in children it can benefit finding cures in adults. Children are our future and so much can be learned from watching them develop and grow. If you want to be a part of helping promote cures and research for children please  give to St. Jude, give to CHOA, give to CURE, give to our personal fund: United for a CURE.  We give 100% of the $ we raise to research for childhood AML. AML is one of the most underfunded of all childhood cancers. This is the cancer that took Mary, Lake and Melissa. This cancer is not rare but some like to call rare. This same cancer took 3 innocent lives that mattered and took many more that mattered just as much to the people who also loved them. There are many other funds that give to children, just do your research and ask questions. Don't be afraid. Every penny counts. Tell Mary's story to anyone who will listen. She mattered, all the children matter. Help us share knowledge and sell a million gold bows and collect a million coins if that is what it takes to find cures. That's all we've got for now and it has to be enough. The link to order gold bows is on this page. Also I have posted the link for "Coins 4 CURE" another great fundraiser any business or school can easily do. I can't thank those who continue to follow our story and who have stuck by our family enough. I appreciate all that you do and keep doing to keep Mary's legacy alive. It keeps me strong and helps me to keep fighting. Thank you.

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Birthday looming 🎂

My birthday is looming...it's a really hard time for me mentally and emotionally. It's now a few days away and the anxiety and sadness are already building. I'm not sure why my birthday is so hard. I think maybe because it's really hard to be happy and celebrate life when a piece of my heart is missing. I'm getting older and living my life and someone I dearly love is forever 13 in Heaven. It's hard to accept that fact and try to come to terms with something so wrong and unfair. Last year my birthday was one of my most difficult days since Mary passed. Looking back on it I feel like I had a mini meltdown. I felt alone, lost and confused. This year I am trying really hard to stay positive and not get sucked into that deep dark hole which was really hard to climb out of the last time. I am working hard to try and look forward to a future with more personal growth and more happiness. I know I most likely have many years of birthdays to celebrate without Mary until we can be together again and I have every confidence that we will be together again. I have so much goodness and happiness in my life and I will hold on to that and look forward, not backwards. If anyone reads this blog entry my message to them is this: Live your life big and treasure every good moment. I see kids dying everyday, young spouses die unexpectedly and older people with full lives die daily. Maybe you need to repair bridges or just hug your loved ones a little more. Take today to do that. You never know when this life will end and once the person you love is gone it is too late to change things. If you find what makes you happy grab onto it and never let it go. Live a life full of love and purpose and be thankful for the good things in your life. Since losing Mary I have had moments of wanting to shut down, give up and/or just run away. I fought through those difficult feelings to find reasons to live again and there are many. Mary wants me to be happy and 
she wants me to live. She wants me to really live with a purpose and desire to make the most of my blessings. I TRY to do that everyday. Sometimes I fail but these days I am more successful than not. Thank you God for this life, for ALL the lessons and every experience. I don't say it enough...but "thank you." Here is to being 44. I am going to attempt to live everyday to the fullest. 

I read this article today and it said it perfectly. I ask you to read it (attached at the end) and take it all in. I will hopefully have many more birthdays ahead of me and I feel I have leaned what really living truly means. But here is a reminder from a 24 year old who has a short time left. Mary taught me what living was all about. She lived everyday to the fullest. She had a lot of life to live but didn't get the chance to live it like she deserved. So I choose to have passion and do it for her. I won't give up. I will be brave and hopefully leave the earth a little bit better than I found it. 
"Powerful Advice From A Dying 24 Year Old"

http://buff.ly/2sL5FhC

Dark Night of the Soul

In my recent search for meaning I came upon the term "Dark Night of the Soul." It is a time of deep internal darkness not everyone will experience. In my reading the term is used to describe what one could call "a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression.  Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.  Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level.  The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies.  Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses." I found all of this so profound and interesting and did more research. This dark time usually comes after a tragic life event that occurs out of chronological normal life order and many times it might involve the loss of a child or young spouse, as mentioned above. A person after an experience like this goes through a type of depression. They are confused and maybe want to die but would never commit suicide. I also found it very interesting that Mother Theresa herself went through many years of this darkness and did much questioning and searching. After reading her memoirs some might think she was actually an atheist because of her seemingly lack of faith at times but this was not the case. She never quit and never stopped searching for the light. I gather that there are two types of people who go through this dark time. There are those people who do actually give up on life and self destruct. And there are those that even though they feel 
hopeless and lost they desperately want to find meaning, purpose and happiness again. I feel I am the latter. I am forever changed by my experience of losing my precious first born so tragically  but I try to find some meaning in my confusion. It's hard to imagine that going through this dark time can be a huge blessing and awakening for some. It's also hard for me to imagine Mary's death could be a blessing in any way but maybe there are lessons I can learn in my journey back into the light. I definitely went through this "Dark Night of the Soul" and at times I am still there, but I also now see the light again. The light does look different now. It is more real and bright, more colorful and I notice all the sparkles and appreciate the warmth. I can sometimes find meaning where there was once none. If I hadn't gone through this dark time I would be sitting at home in my safe little house selfishly oblivious to the evils of the world. Once you have seen the dark there is no going back. I fight everyday to bring light and to find a new purpose. A different purpose than I had before but a purpose that is very important-to find a cure for childhood cancer. The awakening process is described as "an awakening into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind.  A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer.  It’s a kind of re-birth.  The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die.  What dies is the egoic sense of self.  Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity.  Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening.  Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self." I believe this time can be a huge growth process for a Christian. I often asked God why me and why didn't he save Mary? She being the most innocent and faithful child I had ever known. I was so hurt, sad, and angry. I didn't want to give up and turn my back on God but I felt so alone and rebellious. The Bible tells the story of a man named Job, who was well acquainted with God's silence. In his pain, he cried out to God, yet these cries were answered with a deafening silence for 37 chapters. But the story does not end there. He chose to hope in the Lord, despite the 
circumstances, and the Lord was faithful. Throughout the Bible there are examples of faithful men and women of God who go through periods where God seemingly abandons them.The book of Psalms is littered with laments. David, God's chosen King of Israel, often felt abandoned by Him and mused extensively onthe dark nights of his soul. "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide my face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:1-2) My new reality wasn't something I was prepared for, it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. But to continue in this life I have to keep searching for answers and hope. I have a reality of life before Mary's cancer and a new reality now, after. I have to believe there is more to life than hopelessness  and that I can use the dark to become a better, more aware person. My faith is returning, it just looks different now. It's not so black and white and God doesn't fit into a neat little package. The scriptures don't just speak to what I want to hear, but they do speak truth. Thank you to those who have been on this journey with us and who continue to do so. I ask you to keep praying for our family as we navigate our way down this winding road. And on a note of much happiness, we were able to donate over $350,000 from 2 years of fundraising from our United for a CURE fund to Target AML research. This is research specific to AML and we believe the closest to a cure that there is available. Thank you from the bottom of our heart for your continued support. Now we need to keep raising more money and keep making a difference. 

     Thank you!!!!

"Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Graduation

Some things are really hard for me to accept...Mary was diagnosed with AML in April of 2014. She was in 5th grade. She was happy, thriving in a new school and making new friends. She was diagnosed and one of the hardest things for her was not being able to go to school. We were able to see her graduate from elementary school which was a miracle. Everything fell into place between her treatments. She felt great, was relatively healthy and we were able to attend the 5th grade graduation celebrations. It was a memory I will forever treasure. She was able to see friends, laugh, dance and just be a kid. For a short time at least. I remember being a nervous wreck and trying to just let go and let her live for a few hours.  Mary loved school, every single second of it. She took nothing for granted, ever. We believed and prayed she would one day make it to middle school. She tried so hard to keep up with her school work when and where she could, although it was impossible to do with her grueling treatment schedule and setbacks. Her only hope was that she could be a normal kid again. And just like that, in what seems like a blink of an eye, her friends are now graduating from middle school...without her. I actually blocked this fact out until one of her friends texted me and told me the middle school did a beautiful tribute to her at graduation. It broke my heart into pieces. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we are missing another important milestone in Mary's life. Something she would have treasured and made the most of. Watching her friends mature and grow and thrive is a beautiful thing but it also tears me apart because a special someone should be enjoying these life moments as well. I am grateful her friends remember her and keep her in their hearts. But talk about another gut punch I wasn't quite prepared for 😔. Cancer sucks. #takenothingforgranted

Epiphany

Epiphanies... It seems I have new epiphanies often these days. It's quite strange and I think that maybe it is a good thing. I believe it means I am growing and evolving more as a person. I am trying to take my life experiences and learn from them. I hope I am also becoming a stronger and better human in the process. Though it is obvious to me and those around me I still have a lot of growing to do, but I believe you have to start somewhere. I have tried to learn from my life lessons and sometimes I write them down so that I don't forget them. Sometimes I even like to share them if I feel they may be beneficial to others.
Recently my friend Anna Bozeman (Lake's mom) and I had a good conversation about some things we have realized about this difficult journey of grief we have sadly have been on together. After losing a child the pain is so deep and so great I don't think anyone really knows how to properly cope with it. This is something books can't really teach you how to do. People can't really tell you how to cope and it is honestly different for everyone. Losing anyone you love is a horrible experience. I've had many miscarriages. I've lost loved ones and friends of different ages and stages. I don't care what anyone says, having a child die in your arms has to be one of the worst pains imaginable. I'm not here to compare my grief pain to anyone else's, it's not a contest. I'm just here to say that child grief is, I believe, unmappable. I don't think that is even a real word (according to spellcheck 🙄). I created it because it just seemed to fit the picture. But I think you get the point. It is different and individual for everyone. Some navigate it better than others. Some come through it on the other side, some get lost on the way and some never make it out alive. No one can tell you how to find your way through it. There is no map. After a while, once you wake up from the haze of realizing your child is really gone, you might try just about anything to forget the pain. You ignore it. You try going into a state of denial. You get distracted anyway you can. Maybe you numb it in some way. You always look for a way to make the pain disappear. The pain is so deep and so horrible that to face it and deal with it head on seems almost unimaginable. I for one fantasized and sometimes sill do about just running way from it. But I always soon realize running away is impossible, grief follows me everywhere I go. I am still uncertain how one is suppose to properly grieve. Is there a proper way? I don't think so. I read about the stages of grief but they don't fit with losing a child. Sometimes you go through all the stages in a day. People will suggest medication and counceling. Fine, maybe that can help. But at some point you just have to find your own way to deal with it and in your own time. I personally don't want to talk to anyone about my loss unless they have also had a child die in their arms and know my same pain. I handle it by talking to others who understand and who don't judge me. It is a day by day journey for me. Sometimes it is hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. I now suffer from extreme anxiety and sometimes PTSD which I never had before. I meditate and pray and just try to pause and breathe when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes I want life to hurry up and sometimes I want it to slow down....confusing? Yes, it certainly is.
Ok, all this leads to the epiphany...Anna and I both came to the conclusion that we have to accept that this awful pain of losing our children is never going to just go away. Reguardless  of what we do it will always be lingering there in the background. All the anxiety and worry and sadness will always be hiding in the dark corners of our mind. We have to accept this and give it a home. That doesn't mean we can't find joy and happiness in our lives as well. But joy and pain will have to find a way to coexist. We can't expect one to replace the other. I do not believe the permanent holes in our heart can be repaired. This doesn't not mean we have to walk around sad, lonely and depressed people forever. We can be joyful and have lives that hold promises of fulfilling futures.  But...there is a "but"...because we have had unimaginable loss we can never let go of certain fears and anxieties. That is just a fact we have to accept. I have some peace with that now. My life will never be the same or like before. It will be different and I am now forever changed but I CAN have a good and happy life. I believe I deserve that. People are able to love and accept me for who I am now even as I carry all these burdens. Pain and sorrow will learn to live next door to joy and happiness and get along. Maybe not be best friends but they can smile and wave and not bother one another. I believe it is possible for all of these feelings to coexist. There doesn't have to be one without the other. This is the new me. It is a complicated mess and doesn't always make perfect sense, but on this day when we had this epiphany this somehow all made sense and gave me some peace. This is just another lesson on this journey called "my life". I hope it can help some else going through this journey as well. ❤️💔🎗

Mary, you made me a mom ❤️

Mary, you made me a mom first. The only thing I ever wanted to be. I never felt more blessed or proud than I was to be your mom. You were something extra special. Anyone who met you knew this. People who didn't meet you but just heard your story or saw your picture knew this. You gave off a special radiance and light only angels posses. You seemed to have wisdom and strength beyond your years. You walked to the beat of your own drum. You put others before yourself. I learned from you to be strong and brave and to never give up.  To love strong and hard and fierce. To take chances and go for my dreams. To be my true self and to not be afraid and express my feelings.
I now live my life to make you proud. I know we will one day see each other again. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy. I have learned to appreciate the things in life that are more difficult to achieve. I fought to have you and I fought even harder to keep you. I treasured every second I had with you on this earth. If more people valued the ones they love and the precious time with them the world would be a much better place. I think we made the most of our time together as short as it was.
I recently heard a theory that before we are born we choose our paths, the lessons we will learn and the journey we will follow.  If that is true then I gladly took on the job of being your mom. With that came all the joys, all the challenges and all the sadness that the job entailed. It also means you willingly decided to enter this earth, endure the cancer and the pain and chose to have your life end too soon. Why? If true I believe it would be to teach others well needed lessons as well. That life is short. To live by faith and not sight. To take nothing for granted. I know I don't regret my choice to be your mom and I never will. Ever. I would chose you every time. Being your mom will always be my greatest accomplishment. I always knew this would be my job from the first moment I could play with a baby doll. I was born to be a mother, your mother. I would choose you again and again. You completed me and I am forever grateful. Until we meet again Mary Elizabeth ...

Mother's Day sadness 💔

I was talking to another mom today and I asked her what she was doing for Mother's Day. The conversation was spawned by us talking about the hectic Mother's Day weekend coming up with all the crazy kids activities. She just looked at me and said, "I don't really care about that day. We are just busy and not celebrating." Most people might be taken aback by that statement but I understood her 100%. She is the sweetest person, she always has a smile on her face and looks to have it all together-"The perfect mom." But I know she lost a son. She is missing a child on this earth...just like me. So for her Mother's Day is just another painful reminder of something that was taken away from her. Not a something but a child, a love, a piece of her soul. I understand that she has a huge hole left in her heart that can't be filled. It is truly painful. Mother's Day opens the wound further and makes it freely bleed. Basically it just plain sucks-if you didn't appreciate my previous metaphor. I haven't said this out loud before, but I hate the day. I don't want to celebrate it. I don't want to be cherished or loved on or treated extra special on this day. I don't want the big deal made. It just reminds me that I was made a mother, it was great, and then I somehow failed at my job. Maybe not failed, but regardless that's how I feel. Basically all holidays and special days kind of suck now.  They only seem to remind me of what is missing from my life and it's really hard to celebrate. I put on a smile and do it for the kids...only. They need it, I don't.

I just looked at my friend today with understanding eyes and said, "Yeah, I get it. Who cares." It got me thinking, and these would never have been my thoughts before I lost Mary, so I felt them worth sharing.  Please try to be sensitive to your hurting friends during these times. Take a minute to be thankful for your blessings, then consider those who don't find celebrating this day so fabulous. It would be the moms who have lost children. Some you might not even know are carrying this pain and dark secret. Ladies who can't conceive are hurting. Women who have miscarried feel sad. Those who have lost mother's miss them and feel depressed. Pray for them all. If they are your friend you could ask them to do something fun and distracting without any mention of their pain. If they want to talk, then talk. Or mainly just try to listen. If you are a husband you could let your wife navigate Mother's Day. Maybe she doesn't want to celebrate at all, just ask her. She may need to spend some time alone.  She may want to sleep all day. She may want to see a movie or shop or take a get away trip and not call it a "Mother's Day" gift/trip. These are just some thoughts from a mom who understands and I hope they are helpful.

April 11

3 years...3 years doesn't seem like that long really, but to me it seems like a lifetime. April 11, 2014 Mary Elizabeth went from a seemingly healthy, normal, beautiful 12 year old girl to a child diagnosed with leukemia.  We went from enjoying spring break, looking forward to Easter and her sister's upcoming birthday to trying to process a cancer diagnosis and what that meant. We truly had no way to comprehend what the next 17 months fighting the beast would entail. This is probably a good thing. Ignorance is bliss in a lot of ways, if we'd known how hard it was going to be we might not have had the strength to fight it. I'll never forget standing in the kitchen, after previously being told my daughter had mono, and getting a shocking phone call being told to rush straight to the hospital because they NOW suspected leukemia. My world was spinning and my brain couldn't even process the words in my ear. Steve walked in at the exact moment I was hearing the words "LEUKEMIA". He looked at my face and he just knew. I must have been as white as a ghost, only the wall was holding me up. I'll never forget being in that too tiny closed conference room with the doctor, who had tears in his eyes, trying to explain to two distraught, frightened parents that their daughter had leukemia. And even worse we soon learned she had AML, the most rare and deadly of the leukemias. I just wanted to go back to being ignorant. I didn't want to know about leukemia or even want the stupid word to exist. When you are told to not search the internet for information you know it can't be good. It was all way too much to handle and something I really couldn't even remotely process. We then had to try to figure out how we were suppose to explain something we really couldn't even understand ourselves to our daughter. I will never forget through hysterical tears telling Mary Elizabeth she had leukemia, a cancer we would do everything  we could to beat. And I was trying hard to really believe we would beat it myself. The statistics were against us but I was hoping her will to fight was stronger. In true hero Mary form she comforted us instead and told her own parents, "Ok, no more tears. Y'all are no longer allowed to cry. Only I can cry. Everything will be ok." She was so strong and brave and confident. In that moment I knew she needed us to be stronger and braver and confident also.  It was usually her strength which gave me the courage to carry through. I mostly kept my promise not to cry. Or at least to not cry in front of her. I would cry in the shower, in the hospital garden or silently into my pillow. If Mary could endure 100's of pokes, procedures, disappointments and tests then I could be strong enough to hold her hand without tears that she could see. I would choke them back, turn my head and wait until I reached the waiting room to let them flow. I was safe there with multiple other parents doing the same. Today I am not always strong without her. I am weak. I cry...a lot. She probably can see all my tears from heaven. I mostly hide them from the rest of the world, but she sees them.  I can hear her sweet little voice in my ear, "Mommy, please don't cry. I'm ok. I love you so much. Please be strong. Maddy and Whit need you." When she left me I lost a big part of my strength, a huge chunk of my world was gone. She was a big reason for me waking up everyday and living. I still have reasons...Steve, Maddy and Whit. I am finding more reasons everyday. In this journey we have made so many amazing friends and have also lost too many. I hope 3 years from now Mary's legacy will have grown and more awareness and change will have happened. She at least deserves that and I have to wake up everyday to help make it happen. This true sad story is proof that life can change in a day, a minute, a second. Mine did on April 11, 2014. I choose to keep living without my soulmate and best friend by my side. It is really really hard. Some days it almost seems impossible. I have to believe her spirit is still with me guiding me along the way. I get by counting my blessings, staying positive and being grateful for what I do still have. I am forever thankful for the time I did share with Mary. Being her mom was my greatest gift. I will never forget this day-April 11, 2014. The day my life changed forever.

Hi Mary 😇

Spring break 2017 was relaxing and reenergizing. Something my soul really needed. Good times with friends is always much needed for the whole family and the kids really needed the break. Vacations are fun but also difficult because you know in your heart you are always missing one special person. It was a good week with tons of laughs, the best kids, ice cream runs, great food and awesome sunsets. We were very blessed to also spend some time with Peyton and Robert and their families. These are two cancer warriors and sweet friends of Mary's that mean the world to us. Honestly seeing Robert soaking up every second of the sand and sun after all he has been through broke my heart into pieces. He never stopped and never complained. I was beyond overjoyed to see him so happy. But he was so happy because he hasn't seen the ocean in years being that he has missed out on so much life because of damn cancer. Playing and rolling in the surf was something most kids take for granted, not Robert. Most kids complain they are hot, or tired, or sandy, or hungry, or bored. Imagine being bored at the beach???!!! Not Robert. He has spent more days fighting cancer than he has been alive. Yep, he just passed that milestone. It breaks my heart that the sweetest angels suffer the most. I got over my pity party eventually and later enjoyed our precious time with Robert. His smile and love for life is contagious just like Mary's and Lake's, explains the bond...there is a lesson in that. Next time you want to complain instead remember their smiles and their infectious love for life. Then just soak up the sun and take in the positives.
A few weeks before the trip I started doing something new. My best friend had been talking to me a lot about doing meditation for anxiety and trying some visualization strategies. I thought she was full of a bunch of baloney, but recently my brother in law was also talking about how much it has helped him. So I asked her more about it and she sent me some YouTube videos. Some seemed ridiculous, honestly. My nature is to do deep research into these things and I also did a lot more reading. I still am. Some of it is very interesting and much of it makes some sense. I am new at all of it but every morning at home I do breathing exercises and positive meditation. I figured it can't hurt, right? So one day I decided to do a visualization where I actually visited with Mary. It seemed very real and powerful. Once we were together in my mind there wasn't anything I really needed to ask her. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and cry. Then I told her I needed to see tangible, undeniable signs. I needed to known she was always near. I needed her to show me without a doubt she was with me and approved of my path. When I came out of this meditation I was covered in tears, mentally exhausted and I haven't been able to do it since. But I have been able to have more peace. And also I know I can go back there if/when I need to. Well some amazing things have happened that makes me believe there is maybe something to all of this. The theory is that we are all energy and we can connect if we can get into a place of positivity and acceptance. And depending on what perspective we have we can manifest positives or negatives into our life. I for one want more positive. I do believe that the universe is a big and powerful place. There is a lot out there and absolutely no way we can understand everything. A few strange things happened the week leading up to the beach and while at the beach. Here are a few things from the beach: On the way to the beach I noticed a cloud that looked like an angel and a heart. I watched them for about 30 minutes and they never moved. They are clouds, no biggie. Then one evening we were taking sunset pictures and I noticed a strange glow on my hand. I thought it was just the reflection of my ring, but realized my ring was on my other hand. I started looking at the other pictures and the golden orb was in many others and in the live pictures it moves all around very strangely. I sent them to a photographer friend who told me that is not something she can explain. I then knew it was Mary. The next evening my parents were taking pictures in their back yard of a beautiful cross Steve Gray (@crossdesigns1991 FB:Crossroads Deaigns of Perry, GA) made for my dad. My dad is making a "Mary Garden". Mary loved collecting crosses and Mr. Gray made one we gave Whit for Christmas. Guess what? The same golden orb showed up in my parents  pictures in the garden around the cross moving all around. My sister took many picture and videos. There is no denying that Mary is with us. She came through. I am posting some of the the pictures so you can see it and decide for yourself.
For the first time in a very long time I feel strong and happy. I know Mary is with me in spirit. I feel even though my life is different and even though my path has changed it can still be a good, no a great and fulfilling path. I just have to let go, remember to not control everything. And just trust and BE STILL.

New Grief

My friend Anna and I had lunch with a new grieving mom this week. I was thrown back into many memories of missing Mary and coming home forever missing a child. Leaving the hospital without your child is a horrible feeling that is hard to explain. I had to do it twice with Mary. Both times were excruciating. One time it was temporary and one time was permanent. I now can't help but wonder if the first time was a warning of the future to come...When she was born she was so tiny and I had to leave the hospital without her. She was born pretty healthy but very small and she was placed in the special care nursery at Northside Hospital.  I had fought so hard to have this precious baby and there was no way I was leaving her at the hospital alone, but I had to. It was for just one night but it felt terrible. I remember forcefully and reluctantly being made to go home for the night after my personal stay was over. It was an awful feeling to have a new baby and then to have to leave the hospital empty handed. I got home and didn't sleep a wink. I called the nursery several times during the night just to check on Mary.  Then at 5 a.m. I woke Steve up and made him drive me back to the hospital. I camped out in the nursery until I aggravated the staff enough and they finally let me take her home. This is no joke. I barely took my eyes off off of her or slept for the next two years...also not a joke. I think I always knew deep down in my soul that my time with her would be short and I treasured every moment. I worried constantly she would stop breathing and I didn't want to miss a minute or a look at her perfect, beautiful angelic face. Somehow I just always knew she was going to leave me too soon.
Sitting with this mom at lunch I relived so many memories of losing Mary. It is really hard to go back there, and I realized it really wasn't that long ago when I was sitting in her very same shoes at the very beginning of this journey of loss. I don't envy her.  Now also a mom of 2 and not 3. A mom feeling lost, sad and alone-but not alone. So many moms are just like me, too many missing babies that should still be with them. But you still feel so lonely and confused. Sometimes it seems like a millions years have passed. The world keeps moving in fast forward and I feel like I am being catapulted forward as well and expected to somehow find a way to cope. It's very weird. I think in many ways I'm still in denial that Mary is gone and never coming home.  I sometimes feel her close and I think she will soon walk through the door of this house. A house we bought soon before she was diagnosed. A house built perfectly for 3 kids. A house too big for 2 kids but just right for 3 kids and 3 cats. Mary should be running around going to dance class, enjoying her friends, her cool room and awesome playhouse. If I think about it too hard I really just can't function. Honestly some days I don't. Some days I go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and hide or escape into fantasy land. Most days I do ok. I can pretend to be a normal mom and handle fundraisers, school carnivals, lacrosse games and cheer practices. But I am always missing a 3rd child's activities and that will never change. The truth is I can't go into Mary's room or I might never leave. I can't go through her clothes or her things because I become frozen. I just live downstairs and keep the basement, garage and closets basically unorganized in fear I will find her memories and just become paralyzed.  It has happened on many occasions. Talking to this mom who lost her son to cancer just mere weeks ago brought back the memories of losing Mary.  It felt like it happened just yesterday. Memories of me screaming and not recognizing my own cries. My begging God to save my child as she took her last breath in my arms flashed in my head. Driving home from Memphis with an empty van seat, a van seat that would forever be empty was all I could see. A restaurant reservation forever for just 4 and no longer 5 was stuck in my mind. I have memories of going to the dentist and being asked if they could make an appointment for Mary and not being prepared how to respond. I have memories of being asked how many children I have and bursting into tears in front of a total stranger who had no idea what they said wrong. How do I prepare this new grieving mom for these moments and the long road ahead of her? There isn't a proper way to prepare anyone for this path. It's rocky, rough, bumpy and long. A road no one wants to walk, but you are never having to walk it alone. This road I've only walked for a year and a half but this road feels like I've walked on a million miles already. There is no easy or right answer about how to tread. And sadly my other friend, sitting at lunch with us and walking the same path with me, has the same advice for her as I do. I fear all of us experienced grieving moms have the same advice, so I pray it is helpful and true:
Grief comes in waves. The anticipation of big life events seems to be worse than the actual events. The firsts are the worst. Try to forgive yourself. Be easy on yourself. Be patient. You will feel crazy at times and that's "normal". You and your spouse will grieve differently. You and your spouse will most definitely struggle. Take personal time outs if you need it. Sometimes you will look in the mirror and not know the person staring back. Cry if you need to. Be sad when you need to even if it is at an inopportune time. Let your kids see you grieve. Celebrate/remember your child even if it hurts. Be open and talk with your other children about their pain and fears and answer their questions. You will most likely have many questions and struggle with your faith. Smile and be happy when you feel it. Your other kids deserve to have a present mom, so take care of yourself. Get healthy if you can. Find time to pamper yourself, you deserve it. Find your purpose, if you don't know it just search for it. Rely on other grieving moms to help you through. They understand and only they can. The moms usually carry a huge burden of being the stronghold of the family. It's a lot of pressure. Just know that and try to relieve some of that pressure where you can. Let others help you. Seek counseling if you need it. Rest!!!!Do what you have to do to get the rest you need. Mentally you need rest. The puzzle pieces may go back into place but they may fit back together differently. Grief changes you. Your perspective is forever changed. I am sure there is more. Feel free to add if you are following and have more advice. Grief is hard and I am no expert. I am learning and growing and changing everyday.  I think I will continue to do so until I see Mary again.