Epiphany

Epiphanies... It seems I have new epiphanies often these days. It's quite strange and I think that maybe it is a good thing. I believe it means I am growing and evolving more as a person. I am trying to take my life experiences and learn from them. I hope I am also becoming a stronger and better human in the process. Though it is obvious to me and those around me I still have a lot of growing to do, but I believe you have to start somewhere. I have tried to learn from my life lessons and sometimes I write them down so that I don't forget them. Sometimes I even like to share them if I feel they may be beneficial to others.
Recently my friend Anna Bozeman (Lake's mom) and I had a good conversation about some things we have realized about this difficult journey of grief we have sadly have been on together. After losing a child the pain is so deep and so great I don't think anyone really knows how to properly cope with it. This is something books can't really teach you how to do. People can't really tell you how to cope and it is honestly different for everyone. Losing anyone you love is a horrible experience. I've had many miscarriages. I've lost loved ones and friends of different ages and stages. I don't care what anyone says, having a child die in your arms has to be one of the worst pains imaginable. I'm not here to compare my grief pain to anyone else's, it's not a contest. I'm just here to say that child grief is, I believe, unmappable. I don't think that is even a real word (according to spellcheck 🙄). I created it because it just seemed to fit the picture. But I think you get the point. It is different and individual for everyone. Some navigate it better than others. Some come through it on the other side, some get lost on the way and some never make it out alive. No one can tell you how to find your way through it. There is no map. After a while, once you wake up from the haze of realizing your child is really gone, you might try just about anything to forget the pain. You ignore it. You try going into a state of denial. You get distracted anyway you can. Maybe you numb it in some way. You always look for a way to make the pain disappear. The pain is so deep and so horrible that to face it and deal with it head on seems almost unimaginable. I for one fantasized and sometimes sill do about just running way from it. But I always soon realize running away is impossible, grief follows me everywhere I go. I am still uncertain how one is suppose to properly grieve. Is there a proper way? I don't think so. I read about the stages of grief but they don't fit with losing a child. Sometimes you go through all the stages in a day. People will suggest medication and counceling. Fine, maybe that can help. But at some point you just have to find your own way to deal with it and in your own time. I personally don't want to talk to anyone about my loss unless they have also had a child die in their arms and know my same pain. I handle it by talking to others who understand and who don't judge me. It is a day by day journey for me. Sometimes it is hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. I now suffer from extreme anxiety and sometimes PTSD which I never had before. I meditate and pray and just try to pause and breathe when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes I want life to hurry up and sometimes I want it to slow down....confusing? Yes, it certainly is.
Ok, all this leads to the epiphany...Anna and I both came to the conclusion that we have to accept that this awful pain of losing our children is never going to just go away. Reguardless  of what we do it will always be lingering there in the background. All the anxiety and worry and sadness will always be hiding in the dark corners of our mind. We have to accept this and give it a home. That doesn't mean we can't find joy and happiness in our lives as well. But joy and pain will have to find a way to coexist. We can't expect one to replace the other. I do not believe the permanent holes in our heart can be repaired. This doesn't not mean we have to walk around sad, lonely and depressed people forever. We can be joyful and have lives that hold promises of fulfilling futures.  But...there is a "but"...because we have had unimaginable loss we can never let go of certain fears and anxieties. That is just a fact we have to accept. I have some peace with that now. My life will never be the same or like before. It will be different and I am now forever changed but I CAN have a good and happy life. I believe I deserve that. People are able to love and accept me for who I am now even as I carry all these burdens. Pain and sorrow will learn to live next door to joy and happiness and get along. Maybe not be best friends but they can smile and wave and not bother one another. I believe it is possible for all of these feelings to coexist. There doesn't have to be one without the other. This is the new me. It is a complicated mess and doesn't always make perfect sense, but on this day when we had this epiphany this somehow all made sense and gave me some peace. This is just another lesson on this journey called "my life". I hope it can help some else going through this journey as well. ❤️💔🎗