Two years ago today I had no idea it would be my last full day with my beautiful daughter. Although it was starting to become alarmingly clear. She was sleeping a lot, needing a lot of O2 to remain comfortable and she was on a ton of pain medication. She had a drain placed into her chest to pull off fluid and we had been informed the fluid contained leukemia. This news couldn't be good. My head was starting to communicate with my heart that Mary's time on earth was nearing its end. I actually dreamed the night before she had passed and my dreams always proved to be pretty prophetic. But just that morning she still had a hearty appetite and ate her usual meal of deviled eggs and was showing her usual spunk. When I whispered into her ear that it was ok to let go she told me "I can't". When I asked her if she was ok she got irritated and yelled at me "I'm fine!" I tried to tell myself that the fight wasn't yet over. I decided to try and relax some and I soaked in her smell. I held her hands. I rubbed her skin. I took in her warmth. I crawled into her tiny, hard, uncomfortable hospital bed. I laid down beside her and tried to snuggle up to her the best I could all tangled up among what seemed like a hundred wires, machines and pumps. I remember laying my head on top of her chest trying to block out the noise and just listened to her heartbeat. Her heart was always so very strong. As the day passed we eventually began calling family letting them know we were starting to lose her. Mary was very still and not responding to our questions anymmore. We were told she could still
hear us so we talked to to her and told her we loved her over and over and over. Her brother and sister had to tell her they loved her and said their "good byes" over the phone. They were sad and angry. They were confused and so were we. None of this made any sense. They had no idea that just a few days before when they saw their
sister, hugged her and kissed her that day would be the last time they would ever see her alive. And neither did we. If we had maybe we would have done and said some things differently, who knows? After many hours of watching my angel sleep silently and peacefully I happened to be sitting alone with her in a dim room just holding her hands. I had my eyes closed praying. She was no longer responding to us and I remember she squeezed my hand twice really really tight two times with so much strength it literally hurt my fingers. Then I saw a slight grin come across her lips and I heard a
hear us so we talked to to her and told her we loved her over and over and over. Her brother and sister had to tell her they loved her and said their "good byes" over the phone. They were sad and angry. They were confused and so were we. None of this made any sense. They had no idea that just a few days before when they saw their
sister, hugged her and kissed her that day would be the last time they would ever see her alive. And neither did we. If we had maybe we would have done and said some things differently, who knows? After many hours of watching my angel sleep silently and peacefully I happened to be sitting alone with her in a dim room just holding her hands. I had my eyes closed praying. She was no longer responding to us and I remember she squeezed my hand twice really really tight two times with so much strength it literally hurt my fingers. Then I saw a slight grin come across her lips and I heard a
light ringing in my ears. I knew then, in my heart, that her spirit was gone. She was still technically alive breathing by a machine which forced air into her lungs. But I believe her spirit left her body at that moment. She wasn't able to physically speak because of the tubes down her throat but I believe she was telling me "good bye" and that she was ok the only way she was able. I didn't say anything to anyone for a while after about what happened. I didn't want to admit it was true, not even to myself. Her body didn't actually pass until the next morning when we finally had to make the gut wrenching decision to turn the O2 machine off. On Sept. 1st, which is also the 1st day of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, I believe Mary's spirit first entered Heaven. That is how Mary would have chosen it. She would enter Heaven's golden gates, walk down the golden streets, on a golden day greeted by her very special friends. Her many friends who entered the same golden gate a little bit ahead of her. She met Jesus on the beginning of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and made her stand against the disease that took her life and took her away from us. She always made a statement and had a big purpose. Her body stayed around until the next morning. We were not quite ready to let her go. I hate you cancer with all of my being. We will eventually beat you and destroy you for taking my daughter and too many innocent lives too soon. You can also help us fight childhood cancer by spreading awareness and giving to Mary's CURE page at the link provided below. Thank you.
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