April 11

3 years...3 years doesn't seem like that long really, but to me it seems like a lifetime. April 11, 2014 Mary Elizabeth went from a seemingly healthy, normal, beautiful 12 year old girl to a child diagnosed with leukemia.  We went from enjoying spring break, looking forward to Easter and her sister's upcoming birthday to trying to process a cancer diagnosis and what that meant. We truly had no way to comprehend what the next 17 months fighting the beast would entail. This is probably a good thing. Ignorance is bliss in a lot of ways, if we'd known how hard it was going to be we might not have had the strength to fight it. I'll never forget standing in the kitchen, after previously being told my daughter had mono, and getting a shocking phone call being told to rush straight to the hospital because they NOW suspected leukemia. My world was spinning and my brain couldn't even process the words in my ear. Steve walked in at the exact moment I was hearing the words "LEUKEMIA". He looked at my face and he just knew. I must have been as white as a ghost, only the wall was holding me up. I'll never forget being in that too tiny closed conference room with the doctor, who had tears in his eyes, trying to explain to two distraught, frightened parents that their daughter had leukemia. And even worse we soon learned she had AML, the most rare and deadly of the leukemias. I just wanted to go back to being ignorant. I didn't want to know about leukemia or even want the stupid word to exist. When you are told to not search the internet for information you know it can't be good. It was all way too much to handle and something I really couldn't even remotely process. We then had to try to figure out how we were suppose to explain something we really couldn't even understand ourselves to our daughter. I will never forget through hysterical tears telling Mary Elizabeth she had leukemia, a cancer we would do everything  we could to beat. And I was trying hard to really believe we would beat it myself. The statistics were against us but I was hoping her will to fight was stronger. In true hero Mary form she comforted us instead and told her own parents, "Ok, no more tears. Y'all are no longer allowed to cry. Only I can cry. Everything will be ok." She was so strong and brave and confident. In that moment I knew she needed us to be stronger and braver and confident also.  It was usually her strength which gave me the courage to carry through. I mostly kept my promise not to cry. Or at least to not cry in front of her. I would cry in the shower, in the hospital garden or silently into my pillow. If Mary could endure 100's of pokes, procedures, disappointments and tests then I could be strong enough to hold her hand without tears that she could see. I would choke them back, turn my head and wait until I reached the waiting room to let them flow. I was safe there with multiple other parents doing the same. Today I am not always strong without her. I am weak. I cry...a lot. She probably can see all my tears from heaven. I mostly hide them from the rest of the world, but she sees them.  I can hear her sweet little voice in my ear, "Mommy, please don't cry. I'm ok. I love you so much. Please be strong. Maddy and Whit need you." When she left me I lost a big part of my strength, a huge chunk of my world was gone. She was a big reason for me waking up everyday and living. I still have reasons...Steve, Maddy and Whit. I am finding more reasons everyday. In this journey we have made so many amazing friends and have also lost too many. I hope 3 years from now Mary's legacy will have grown and more awareness and change will have happened. She at least deserves that and I have to wake up everyday to help make it happen. This true sad story is proof that life can change in a day, a minute, a second. Mine did on April 11, 2014. I choose to keep living without my soulmate and best friend by my side. It is really really hard. Some days it almost seems impossible. I have to believe her spirit is still with me guiding me along the way. I get by counting my blessings, staying positive and being grateful for what I do still have. I am forever thankful for the time I did share with Mary. Being her mom was my greatest gift. I will never forget this day-April 11, 2014. The day my life changed forever.