- Joe Houldsworth
Judgements: I hate them. I hated them the most when I was a new mom. I tried to be the best new mom I could be. Mary was born and for the life of me I couldn't breastfeed. Every specialist in the hospital available came into my room and every time they left me in tears. One even visited me at home without success. Mary wouldn't/couldn't latch on and I feared the tiny thing would just eventually starve to death. She was barely 5 pds when we left the hospital and miserable and losing weight every second; at least that is how it felt. I started pumping breastmilk every few hours around the clock and felt like a mamma cow, but I would do anything to give my baby the best. Breastmilk was the best, just ask any "expert" right?!? If so, why was my baby vomiting and screaming and still losing weight!?!Eventually I learned some babies can be allergic to breastmilk. Yes, it is true. And this was Mary. I felt like a failure. But at this moment I wanted my child healthy and happy and who cared if she drank breast milk or formula. Happy was the key. Then the sleep issue came into play. Mary NEVER slept. I am not even halfway kidding you. Mary slept peacefully maybe 20 minutes at a time. I read all the books written by the so called "experts". She would sleep in the swing for longer periods but this was not what a "good mom" would do...right? Well, letting her sleep in the swing kept me halfway sane-so she slept in the swing most of the first year of her life while drinking the most expensive formula on the market. She was allergic to everything else, including breastmilk-who knew???!!! (FYI-Drinking breastmilk also doesn't prevent cancer) Eventually we put her in a crib, which she hated and I tried to let her "cry it out"...it was the "thing to do". That lasted about 30 minutes. This was pure torture for me and I couldn't physically take it. It felt wrong and ridiculous and I just couldn't do it. I didn't care what the stupid so called "experts" said. I read every book and tried every method. Nothing worked. They had been wrong before and none of them had met Mary. She was unique to say the least. Happy was where it was at. For Mary happy meant a trundle bed or mattress on the floor and a gate on her room door. That worked well enough and = happy enough. It also meant a monitor ensured her safety, a snack and TV on her bedside table kept her quiet and mommy maybe got a nap, a shower and gained a little sanity. Take that stupid experts! And those "Baby Einstein" hypnotizing videos were pure genius!!!!
Eventually happy meant our kids sleeping in the bed together and us laying down with them until they went to sleep. We still do this today. Yes Maddy is 11 and Whit is 9. People may judge and people may think it is because they have been through tragedy and they need it, but I think we would do it anyway. We always have regardless if it was the thing to do or not. Sometimes I admit I want them to just freakin' go to bed and let me have 30 minutes of reality TV and some peace, but most of the time I enjoy the 30 or so minutes of quality time with my kids cuddling in bed. I love smelling them, holding them, listening to their fears, their questions, the good/bad parts of their day, watching Bat Dad Videos or Bad Lip Reading Videos and laughing, and more recently Steve and the kids have discovered Ant hill metal art videos??? I also realize my sister and I slept together our whole life even through we had separate bedrooms until I left for college. I guess it seems normal for me and it is something that won't last forever. One day my kids won't need me so much and probably won't even like to cuddle. Even though Whit promises me this will never happen I realize that one day it will. I read the attached article today and it made me feel so much better. I think instead of ever feeling like a failure at life or listening to the "experts" I learned the hard way to go with your gut. Go with what works for your family and what makes your kids happy. I am glad we do/did what works for our family and didn't follow the rules. Every family and child is unique and I will forever treasure my moments in bed talking with Mary, our cuddles, our books, our secrets and the time I can never get back. In fact the last moments of her life I spent in her hospital bed just holding her, taking in her scent, touching her skin, trying to remember her every freckle and curve knowing it would soon be gone from me forever. Laying with her was something that felt natural because it is what we always did and something I can't do anymore and I miss it everyday. I often imagine her back in my bed as I drift off to sleep and it gives me some peace. So treasure those moments and don't rush them, they will be gone before you know it.
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