I survived...barely. It hurt and was hard and even harder than I imagined. I made the mistake of watching a video that popped up in memories on FB and it put me over the edge. It was of Mary and the kids on Christmas morning back when I was naïve to childhood cancer. Sometimes I feel like the cancer was all just a horrible nightmare and I can still wake up, but I never do. Well, I lost it and cried in the middle of present opening and tried to hide the tears. It didn't work. Whit looked at me and said, "Can we try not to be sad this year?" Maddy looked at me worried and said "Are you ok?" I nodded my head and choked back what I could. Sadly I don't think I can ever "Not be sad" or will ever be "ok". But I really didn't want to ruin their Christmas morning or tarnish their happy memories. After present opening, when the kids were busy with their new gifts, I got back in bed. I pulled the covers over my head, cuddled with a cat and just finished getting my cry out. Steve came in and said he was sorry and asked if I got what I wanted for Christmas. "No." was my response. And he said he didn't either. I will never get my Christmas wish...ever. But on a happier note the kids were beyond spoiled and loved their gifts. I just want them to be happy. For me there will always be one empty stocking too many and an empty space on the floor with missing presents. The lost excited squeal, laughter and smiles of a 12 year old stolen by cancer will be forever missing. Steve did get me Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, something on my bucket list to try. Maybe it will literally get me through the holidays. Kidding. I know in truth nothing will. We decided to stick to the usual family traditions this year although personally I would rather be away at the beach and distracted. But I learned the hard way that tradition is what the kids crave and need and so I must do what is best for them. They like and miss the traditions we always set for the holidays-I guess routine is what kids crave. It makes sense, they have had so much pain and change in their lives and I am sure it is reassuring to have a plan and know what is coming next. They wanted to go to church on Christmas Eve like we always use to and the happiness on their faces was undeniable. Making cookies and cooking with Maddy made her content. Opening the traditional one present on Christmas Eve and knowing it was PJ's brought lots of laughter. Watching old Christmas movies before bed and drinking milkshakes made their hearts smile. Spending time with family and exchanging presents made the kids feel content and loved, so it was worth it. Seeing my friends hurting and in the hospital also fighting this relentless beast only makes me sadder and angrier no matter how hard I try not to think about it. Thinking of my too many other friends feeling that huge missing spot aching in their heart makes mine only hurt more. But I look forward to 2017 and hope I can find more happy days this year, be more productive and also be a better wife and mom. Of course on the list is being more active and losing a few more pounds as usual, but mainly I hope to just smile more. I also want to see my family smile more and just be successful at life. I wish the same for all my family and friends. It's a new beginning which is always a nice thing. Sometimes we all need a "do over". Here's to a better 2017🍾.
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