I told myself I was going to cut back writing too many sad and depressing entries after having several people privately reach out to me that they were worried about my mental health. I didn't want people to worry so I thought I would try to be more uplifting. Then I realized although I 💯 know these people have the best intentions in mind they also don't really know me or see me on a regular basis. They don't see me functioning and surviving in my daily life. When I asked close friends and family if they had these same concerns they assured me they didn't. Then I also realized this blog is for me and for those who might also be hurting and need to know they are not alone on this grief journey. I have to be me and I have to be real and this is my therapy, so I will just continue to write as I feel I need to. But please understand as you read this that these are my feelings on a particular day or in a particular moment and not me ALL the time. And I also assure you that if you have lost a child you would most likely feel the same. Again, these feelings are "normal"-whatever the heck that means. With that being said...
I am dreading this next week leading up to Christmas so badly. I am trying, really trying to stay up and positive but it isn't working. It is exhausting being sad and lonely and grieving all the time. I know the kids will be in school, I don't have a lot of activities planned and I know it is going to be hard to keep myself distracted and not fall into a dark place. I had this realization as to why this pain of losing Mary is so big and feels bigger than me a lot of the time. This realization doesn't help me fix it but it helps me understand it. I think people come into this world needing things to fill them up. Sometimes they get these things and sometimes they don't and this creates the human being they become. They need things like love, nurturing, comfort, acceptance, understanding, etc. All of these things are needed to complete them and I would venture to say what completes a person beyond their basic needs is different for everyone. For some it might be success at a job or world travel or making new discoveries and so on. For me I wanted a child, to be a mom and have a family of my own more than anything. I felt it truly was my life purpose to be a mom. It took a lot of hard work and it was a journey but when Mary was born I felt perfectly whole. She actually filled up a missing part of me. My soul felt complete finally for the first time in my life and I felt at perfect peace. Of course having more children made my life even more complete and they were an added bonus. They were equally as special. But when I lost Mary I now realize a piece of my soul was literally ripped away. Now it can't be filled or patched up and it literally hurts to have it missing. That is the best way I can explain it. She completed my happiness, she was my best friend, my soulmate, my comfort and my perfect piece in every way. There is actually something called "soul loss". It happens to people who are extremely neglected or abused or have experienced horrific tragedy. I have all the symptoms and there are supposedly "Dr.s" and others out there who can try and diagnose and fix you. So I don't think I am crazy, apparently it is a real thing. I googled it 😊Since Mary has been gone I think I have tried to fill my missing soul piece with many things...none of them fit. Some of the things are anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, distractions, projects, etc. I think I know nothing is going to fill this hole because nothing can replace Mary. I won't be complete until we are reunited one day. I see a picture of her or watch a video and for a fleeting moment and for a few seconds I can feel her with me and I can almost fill that hole. Sadly it doesn't last. I wear her jewelry, sleep with her stuffed doggy, wear her clothes, but it doesn't fill the hole. Yes, I know many will say "God can fill the space." Maybe. I hope so. Eventually. He gave me Mary and He took her away and I hope He can heal me. I do. But I don't know if a damaged soul can ever be completely healed here on earth. I just ask those around us to pray for us during these hard times and to keep being supportive. I feel the kids and Steve have these same feelings and maybe don't even realize what these feelings are or why the pain is so deep. I ask for grace and understanding in our pain. I am not sure how I am going to survive it. I probably won't always behave or react how you want or expect, it is because I don't know how I am suppose to behave and react. There isn't a handbook. Sometimes what things look like on the outside is a lot different than what is going on on the inside. Our faces might have smiles and you might see happy pictures but inside our hearts are hurting and our emotions are all over the place. Please don't take my behavior as personal, it is not. I feel different day to day and sometimes minute to minute. It is how I am coping and navigating this mess, right or wrong. I don't think there is a right or wrong way. If you are overly sensitive or have low patience then we probably can't be friends. It is fine. I won't take it personal. My reactions are also not a reflection on you or our relationship. This is a new me and I am forever changed and I don't understand myself some days. It is truly me and not you. I hope one day and I believe one day I can be strong for you when you need it and this will make me a stronger and a better person even if I feel weak today. If you care about us and want to help you can do this: Please remember Mary this Christmas. Talk about her and help us make her life matter. Remember the families fighting cancer and other childhood illnesses this Christmas. Pray for them and support them. Be thankful for your blessings. Just be present and available. It means more than I probably express. I wish I had answers for my too many dear, hurting friends-I don't. But what I can do is grant understanding from one broken person to another.
No comments:
Post a Comment