Mary, my forever miracle...: WARNING⚠️

Warning, do not read if you don't want to be sad! ⚠️

I feel the anxiety setting in and the dark cloud of depression seeping in closer and closer. The problem is I don't know how to stop it. I was really hoping it would stay away this time. I was feeling so much better and so strong and now I feel myself weakening with the holidays coming closer and closer. I am not the only one, other moms of angels are feeling the same pain that I do but that doesn't make this any easier to endure. It actually makes me more sad to know my friends feel this same pain. It hurts to talk to them about it because I feel I add to their burdens. I am a fixer and a helper, I don't like to depend on others to help me. Much less make anyone else feel deeper pain. Plus I hate to complain and whine when I have so many blessings. It seems selfish. But a good pity party is what we all need at times, I think.

I dread putting on the fake smile and happy face and trying to enjoy holidays that once were full of happy memories and happy times. Pulling out the pumpkin pictures of Mary as a baby up until the year she got sick makes my heart hurt. Memories flood my mind of her awesome costumes and wigs and the amazing costume we ordered that she never got to wear. (It was a steampunk by the way) Whit and Maddy deserve the same fun memories so I have to suck it up and make new memories without Mary for them. I wish I had answers and I wish I new how to fix this. I don't. Going away for Mary's birthday helped but I don't think we can do that for every holiday. At some point I will just have to face my sadness and fear head on.

I have found that depression is real and it is serious. It is new for me and a beast I have to fight daily. Some days are worse than others. When I catch myself crawling back into bed and paralyzed during the day I know I am getting into trouble. I have to tell myself to physically function and again that no one but me will be able to pull me out of this hole. But when you are in it the hole seems really deep. I think it seems deep because looking ahead to Christmas and truly dreading those holidays seems like a long time to feel this way. Just like preparing to climb a mountain. The journey seems tiring and difficult and you might just not want to do it. Maybe though once you get going it won't be so bad. And maybe there will be good moments along the way and a reward at the peak.

What do I need? I think I need air. I need to get outside. I need exercise. I need to communicate and not shut myself off. I need to plan something to look forward to as a reward for reaching the peak. This always helps. I need to keep my mind busy. I need to stay productive.

What can my friends do? Just listen and be supportive. Make me get out. Check on me. I'm really not sure what else. This is all just really really hard. I get why holidays can open up wounds and be so painful or so many. I hope and pray one day it is not like this and that I can be happy again. Also too many of our friends are sick or suffering or dying and some days it is just TOO MUCH for any normal human to handle. JUST WAY TOO MUCH. I'll be okay, I know this. I'm still here and I always find my way out.

Sadness is an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. An example of severe sadness is depression. Crying is often an indication of sadness.^[1]