Mary not surviving this cancer changed my entire life in many ways. I am not quite sure if this has been in a good way or a bad way yet, but I hope at the end of my journey everything will come together and make total sense. I hope to make some sort of purpose out of this life and it all will be for the greater good. I have struggled intensely with God and my faith and the why's of all of this more than anything ever in my life, and I believe more than any other challenge I will ever face again. I have been sad, depressed and angry over how this life of mine has turned out. It is definitely not how I had things pictured or planned. The God I thought I knew is vastly different from the God I now see. I have been tested and changed and this life has not gone as I expected. Does anything ever go as we plan? Maybe it does for some. Not for me apparently. I have wondered if I am being punished or blessed or cursed or living a nightmarish dream of some sort. I obviously have a lot more to figure out but I think where I am right now might be a good place to begin my share. I feel many others probably join in my same struggle. Maybe sharing where I am with my struggle will be helpful for someone else and help change someone's perspective for the better.
Before Mary's cancer life was good. I was blessed and very content with my life. Everything was fairly easy. I felt I was a "good" Christian and I was leading a life pleasing to God. We tithed, went to church regularly, were basically good people, raised our kids well and I thanked God every day and night for our many blessings which I believed were given by Him. I believed I had been given many challenges in my life and had overcome them all. Ha, this is humorous now looking back, but none the less there were some challenges and at the time they seemed pretty significant. To others I believe they would also seem significant, especially if you had not faced childhood cancer or the loss of a child. I had lost friends in accidents and to sickness, lost loved ones, had many miscarriages, sick children, family members with cancer, endured heartbreak, struggled with everyday stresses, blah blah blah...But then the "big daddy" hit, a real trial, the real deal kind of stuff - CHILDHOOD CANCER HELL. You can't imagine or know what it is like unless "you know". And I don't wish anyone to have to know. There are no sufficient words to express this particular kind of HELL. I prayed through it diligently, I had faith and I truly trusted God to get us all through this challenge in one piece. And I even planned to get through this challenge stronger than ever. I mean I had faced significant challenges before and believed we were a strong family and God was good. Right? His Word promises healing and answered prayers to those that believe. And I was faithful and basically a good person and a true believer. Other people were giving me hope and were having visions and I just knew God was going to heal Mary. I was so sure I was screaming it from the roof tops. When He didn't though I wasn't sure how I could reconcile this fact and face the world admitting God let me and all of us down. He broke my heart into a million pieces. He literally failed me. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. I played Christian music constantly in Mary's ears, I poured holy water on Mary's body, I had had a healer place hands on her, people prayed over her, I put special blessed mud on her, I read her healing prayers, had people praying and lighting candles all over the world, I believed, I had faith, but nothing worked...crickets...God didn't show up. I thought He was listening. I thought so many times I had seen His miracles and so did the doctors. Many many times I believed He had touched her. Were these coincidences and not miracles? This has been a huge hurdle in my faith journey and hard for me to understand. Maybe I never will.
So this is where I am today. My faith is broken but it is not destroyed, fractured but not unrepairable. I don't believe I am an idiot. I am a fairly intelligent person and I believe a God does exist. Any intelligent human only has to open their eyes and look around and can see the complexity of life and the beauty of the earth around them to know this has to be true. This in itself is proof enough to me of a higher being. There have been miracles and times of God touching my life and answering my prayers and I know this in my heart to be true. He didn't do this to Mary. He didn't give Mary cancer. I also know this also to be true. The God I am just now beginning to know and understand is a different God I was told about my whole life. But this is the real God. The God I was maybe in denial of and didn't want to know before now. I believe He is there and loves us and with us even when we feel alone. But this world is not paradise. This world is ruled by man and freewill and evil. We worship idols and want to twist the words of bible to make it say and believe as we wish. We sugar coat the truth and listen to the lies of man. God never promised easy. Yes, He can intervene and I believe He did many times and still is and does during this journey of mine. I believe He is in ultimate control but He is waiting for His time. It is not yet His time. He has Mary with Him in a better place and her story lives on here on earth. He gave me a selfish 10 extra months with her I didn't deserve. He saved her many times because we were not ready to let her go. He continues to help us share her story and make change in the childhood cancer world and I believe He will continue to help us do great things on this side while on this journey. I hope and believe I can come out of this feeling blessed in the end. That in itself will be a miracle. My relationship
with God did change and I can't continue my existence in ignorant bliss but instead must open my eyes to truth and make a real difference somehow in this broken world. I don't have patience anymore for a ignorant people with short sighted problems. I don't care about your high taxes or your child's mean teacher or your petty selfish first world problems. I do care about the unloved, the abused, the sick, the hungry, and the children. I care about childhood cancer. I get irritated when I see millions and billions being spent ridiculously by churches on new buildings when that money could feed the hungry or cure childhood cancer. Or excessive wealth and gluttony and selfishness when children are dying. I don't care who you will vote on for president. Every 4 years it is the same crap. They both suck and life goes on regardless of who wins, the world doesn't end. I do care about love and forgiveness. I try not to judge others on how they look or talk or where they come from. I judge them on their heart. Jesus hung out with the beggars and the prostitutes and the ill. He said the children mattered and to let them come to Him. The Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the children. I believe he wants us to open our eyes and get out of our comfy bubble and reach out our hands to help others. Before Mary got sick I have to be honest, I didn't have a clue about childhood cancer. Partly because it hadn't hit home for me but mostly because I closed my eyes to it. It was uncomfortable and would maybe mess up my perfect world to let something that messy in. When it did creep into my world I begged God to heal Mary. I told Him if HE did heal her I would promise to use Mary's story and be the biggest witness He had ever seen. I meant it and believed I wouldn't stop until we found a cure for cancer. I begged and said I would never stop praising Him. Mary died, but I am still not going to stop believing. I now believe if God had saved her here on earth people would not fully see the devastation of this disease. We might in reality have been so grateful to have Mary healed that we would want her to forget about cancer and we would want to try to forget it too. God
knew this also. Obviously Mary dying isn't what I thought was best for everyone, but I don't live my life for me. I am not in control as much as I would like to believe that I am. I am struggling and trying to thank God for this painful life regardless and begging Him for the strength to fight on and forgive. Mainly to forgive myself. I have to keep my faith and have hope in a future where things will be different and where God wins and where HE will be in total control one day. I am attaching this article I found that has helped me a lot to be more patient and hang in there when I feel alone. I hope it is helpful to someone else as well.
It is about waiting and about God's timing. It made a lot of sense to me. If you don't read it all here is an exert from the end-
"Waiting during the difficult times developed their relationship with God.
Some of the most intimate relationships we have in our lives are because a friend stood in the trenches with us during the heat of the battle. Maybe this is what the scripture means when it says we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).
I've always believed God is just as interested in the journey as he is the destination. If not, all the biblical accounts would only include the feel good parts and not the good, the bad and the ugly of the times of waiting. We may not always understand why we have to wait, but the good news is that God never asks us to wait without Him. "
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-reasons-god-makes-us-wait#3IMmMbAcPDQBqxk8.99
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