I have had to come to grips lately with how out of control this life of mine really is. I guess it always was but I never really realized it before. Having control is a facade really. I think this is probably something we all have to come to accept at some point in our lives and this was a hard pill for me to swallow. I always felt I had some sort of control over my life and my emotions and the path of my fate. Until I didn't, and when I realized this it threw me into a tail spin. Before life got out of control I was able to control my academic successes (for the most part), I was pretty successful at anything I ever tried to accomplish, most anything I tried out for I got and I really didn't fail too often as long as I put forth enough effort. If I had a goal in mind I could 99.9 % of the time reach it if I put my mind to it and worked hard enough. Maybe it isn't this way for everyone, but I bet if you are born healthy and with adequate intelligence and into a decent home you probably have about the same odds of success. I am not anything special. Most people work hard and focus on those things they find important and want to obtain. They find ways to accomplish their goals if they are important enough to them no matter how difficult the challenge. The biggest hurdle I faced before cancer was infertility. But like any other challenge I just focused, made a plan of attack and found a way to beat that also. It wasn't easy but I overrode what doctors told me, did my own research, used my own resources. And
guess what!?!I finally carried a baby successfully. And I even ended up with 3 beautiful children after many miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak. I never gave in no matter what I was told or the cost although many probably would have given up. I like a challenge and if it isn't impossible then I say "Bring it on." I also don't like to be told I can't do something. There is no better feeling than proving doubters wrong. There really wasn't much I felt I couldn't overcome in life. I always kept a positive outlook but I had also never faced anything too challenging, defeating or heartbreaking-really, well nothing like what was looming on the horizon. Sometimes/many times I think people create many, if not most of their life problems by the choices they make. And I have very little sympathy for these people or there self created life problems. Also many of these problems could be fixed if
they wanted to. Money issues, marital problems, friend and family
issues are usually created. But when life unexpectedly threw me childhood cancer it wasn't an easily fixable problem or a challenge I could overcome. It was a real messed up problem with many barriers and closed doors. It was painful and frustrating and just plain sickening to face. I couldn't save my daughter from AML. In fact no one had really cared about childhood AML EVER or worked very hard at all to cure it. It was a very sad and defeating situation. This wasn't a self created or a fixable problem. Having to accept the loss of Mary and not having control over this threw me into a new world where I now have bouts of real severe depression, anxiety and stress.
Something I didn't have before. I have experienced extreme new fears
and anger. Emotions I didn't feel too often before. This is mainly
brought on because of my loss of control. I have had to learn to cope
and survive realizing I will now never know what will happen in my life or if I can fix the new problems that may arise. I have experienced panic attacks and now have PTSD. Something very real and medication can only help somewhat. Sleep is a small escape, and at some point you still have to wake up to face it all again. Some people may turn to drugs or alcohol but this is only a short term escape and the reality is still there staring at you when the fix wears off. I can't run away and I can't hide. I have children to care for and adult responsibilities. What else do I do? Some days a mental hospital nsounds like a nice vacation. "How do you handle life after childhood cancer?" is a great question and something I am still working through on a daily basis. I try to not have any regrets in this life. But when I think about this I start to panic and don't want to make more life mistakes and miss out on anything important. My seemingly irrational behavior can freak those out around me also. You can become manic when you don't want to lose anything else in your life and feel you don't have control over what is happening around you. It can be a crazy cycle of ups and downs. You realize the only thing you can control is yourself. I can only imagine what this is like for the dads and fathers who carry the increased burden of being the protectors and fixers in a family. They are the ones who are expected to always make everything better. To scare the monsters away, bandage the skinned knees and fix the broken toys. They have to watch their wives and children suffer unable to take away their pain. They want to fix it all but realize they can't...they just can't. The may be the protectors of the family but sometimes cancer is a bigger beast and they can't protect their family from the damage of cancer and the effects it leaves behind. Humans can only handle so much, and they are not meant to take on burdens alone. That is why families were created. This is why we have teams and work in groups. People just function better that way, together. We are not meant to be alone in this world and face our problems alone. We have to realize we are never truly alone. There is
always someone who understands us and who has been in our same shoes. There is always someone who loves us and wants to be there for us.
guess what!?!I finally carried a baby successfully. And I even ended up with 3 beautiful children after many miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak. I never gave in no matter what I was told or the cost although many probably would have given up. I like a challenge and if it isn't impossible then I say "Bring it on." I also don't like to be told I can't do something. There is no better feeling than proving doubters wrong. There really wasn't much I felt I couldn't overcome in life. I always kept a positive outlook but I had also never faced anything too challenging, defeating or heartbreaking-really, well nothing like what was looming on the horizon. Sometimes/many times I think people create many, if not most of their life problems by the choices they make. And I have very little sympathy for these people or there self created life problems. Also many of these problems could be fixed if
they wanted to. Money issues, marital problems, friend and family
issues are usually created. But when life unexpectedly threw me childhood cancer it wasn't an easily fixable problem or a challenge I could overcome. It was a real messed up problem with many barriers and closed doors. It was painful and frustrating and just plain sickening to face. I couldn't save my daughter from AML. In fact no one had really cared about childhood AML EVER or worked very hard at all to cure it. It was a very sad and defeating situation. This wasn't a self created or a fixable problem. Having to accept the loss of Mary and not having control over this threw me into a new world where I now have bouts of real severe depression, anxiety and stress.
Something I didn't have before. I have experienced extreme new fears
and anger. Emotions I didn't feel too often before. This is mainly
brought on because of my loss of control. I have had to learn to cope
and survive realizing I will now never know what will happen in my life or if I can fix the new problems that may arise. I have experienced panic attacks and now have PTSD. Something very real and medication can only help somewhat. Sleep is a small escape, and at some point you still have to wake up to face it all again. Some people may turn to drugs or alcohol but this is only a short term escape and the reality is still there staring at you when the fix wears off. I can't run away and I can't hide. I have children to care for and adult responsibilities. What else do I do? Some days a mental hospital nsounds like a nice vacation. "How do you handle life after childhood cancer?" is a great question and something I am still working through on a daily basis. I try to not have any regrets in this life. But when I think about this I start to panic and don't want to make more life mistakes and miss out on anything important. My seemingly irrational behavior can freak those out around me also. You can become manic when you don't want to lose anything else in your life and feel you don't have control over what is happening around you. It can be a crazy cycle of ups and downs. You realize the only thing you can control is yourself. I can only imagine what this is like for the dads and fathers who carry the increased burden of being the protectors and fixers in a family. They are the ones who are expected to always make everything better. To scare the monsters away, bandage the skinned knees and fix the broken toys. They have to watch their wives and children suffer unable to take away their pain. They want to fix it all but realize they can't...they just can't. The may be the protectors of the family but sometimes cancer is a bigger beast and they can't protect their family from the damage of cancer and the effects it leaves behind. Humans can only handle so much, and they are not meant to take on burdens alone. That is why families were created. This is why we have teams and work in groups. People just function better that way, together. We are not meant to be alone in this world and face our problems alone. We have to realize we are never truly alone. There is
always someone who understands us and who has been in our same shoes. There is always someone who loves us and wants to be there for us.
I am not an expert but I have found these things to help me cope-I think the answers to finding peace are some of these things...or a combination of these things...
1. Live in the present. Try not to focus too much on the past. If you live in memories of the past or stay there too long you will get sad, lonely and depressed. Memories are good and necessary. Just don't stay there. Thinking too long or too hard or planning too much for the future will only cause anxiety. Yes, some planning is necessary but don't stay there focused too long. Plan only what is needed and as far ahead as needed and leave it. Stay in the present. Live for today. Enjoy
each moment, especially each happy moment that gives you a smile
and makes you or someone else happy. Take pictures and write down
the memories. You will forget
each moment, especially each happy moment that gives you a smile
and makes you or someone else happy. Take pictures and write down
the memories. You will forget
2. Focus on helping others. If you take the focus off yourself this helps a lot. We get so self absorbed in our own lives we forget others need us and our talents and skills. Giving back and doing good also does our heart good and helps us to heal.
3. Surround yourself with positive people. Be around supportive loving family and friends. Negativity breeds negativity. It is true, you
are who you hang around.
are who you hang around.
4. Travel-The world is big and if you stay shut up in your small room/house/world you will suffocate. You need to get out and see how tiny you really are in this big world to see the reality of your situation. It helps to put things in perspective.
5. If something makes you happy do it as long as it isn't harmful to you or anyone else. Travel, paint, read, go back to school, whatever it is...just do it. Seriously. YOLO
6. Face your fears. Acknowledge them, accept them. Don't deny them. They are there, they exist. If you are in denial about them then they will sneak up when you least expect it. If you are at least aware of them then you can prepare to avoid situations that can set you back or make you feel sad or awkward. Just don't go there.
7. Life is short. Understand that. Accept it. Find what makes you happy and grab it. It is true that you never know what tomorrow will bring and nothing is guaranteed. If you have your health you have everything.
8. Find a purpose and realize it. I realized that Mary has passed on to the next world but I am still here with work to do, so I better get on with it.
9. It is ok to have bad days, weeks or months. You can always start over. The people that love you and are your true friends will forgive
you and understand. You can always start anew. Everyone makes mistakes and has to regroup sometimes. That is life. We are constantly growing, changing and evolving-hopefully for the better. Those who stand by you no matter what are the ones to keep around and trust. Also be that person for someone else.
As often as my life seems out of control and unbalanced there are still those perfect moments where things seem to fall into harmony and everything seems right with the world. Like: Cuddling my children under the blankets on the couch and watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. Hot coffee on the deck while watching the beautiful pink sunrise over the peaceful turquoise ocean. Feeling the warm sun on my face while I close my eyes listening to the rustling leaves while laying in the hammock on a cool spring day. Moments like these don't last forever but then again neither do the hard times. We just have to savor the good moments and stand strong through the rough current and face the tough times head on. Life is like that with many ups and downs. We just have to hope for more ups than downs and try to focus on the positives. There is always a positive. Focusing on the negative will destroy you. Find support and don't close yourself off. Always try to find the help you might not want but need and look for the life saver. Sometimes you have to reach for it though, actually always. I had to make the hard realization that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and let go and let people in. Help is always there but you have to look for it, maybe ask for it and also want it. I share my heart because too many people I know are hurting like me. I hope this is helpful for someone else. Everyday is a struggle and a challenge but I get through sometimes just one breath at a time.
you and understand. You can always start anew. Everyone makes mistakes and has to regroup sometimes. That is life. We are constantly growing, changing and evolving-hopefully for the better. Those who stand by you no matter what are the ones to keep around and trust. Also be that person for someone else.
As often as my life seems out of control and unbalanced there are still those perfect moments where things seem to fall into harmony and everything seems right with the world. Like: Cuddling my children under the blankets on the couch and watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. Hot coffee on the deck while watching the beautiful pink sunrise over the peaceful turquoise ocean. Feeling the warm sun on my face while I close my eyes listening to the rustling leaves while laying in the hammock on a cool spring day. Moments like these don't last forever but then again neither do the hard times. We just have to savor the good moments and stand strong through the rough current and face the tough times head on. Life is like that with many ups and downs. We just have to hope for more ups than downs and try to focus on the positives. There is always a positive. Focusing on the negative will destroy you. Find support and don't close yourself off. Always try to find the help you might not want but need and look for the life saver. Sometimes you have to reach for it though, actually always. I had to make the hard realization that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and let go and let people in. Help is always there but you have to look for it, maybe ask for it and also want it. I share my heart because too many people I know are hurting like me. I hope this is helpful for someone else. Everyday is a struggle and a challenge but I get through sometimes just one breath at a time.
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