A year gone and the grief is always there it's just a little more numb...

How does it feel to grieve after the first year? It is there, it just seems a little more numb.  Today is an extra hard day for me for some reason. Some days are just that way.  Maybe it's because my high school reunion is coming up this weekend and the "BIG PERRY FAIR", as we like to call it, is in town and I am just anxious. At my last reunion five years ago things were a lot different. I was then so excited to show off my family, my three healthy beautiful children and to see all of my HS friends. This year I am still excited to see friends and catch up but I dread going home without Mary (going to Perry without Mary is always painful as it brings back a lot of memories since Perry is a place she loved to visit).  And trying to pump myself up to hear the "I'm sorry'" and "I can't imagine" and "You are so strong" comments makes me twitch. So if you want to just give me a hug and avoid all of that I am good with it 😉👌🏾I am probably one of those few, weird people who loved my hometown, loved high school, loved all the people and never wanted to leave.  But now going back to all this unwanted attention brings on a ton of anxiety. Thankfully everyone has been amazing and gracious and we are keeping things pretty low key this year. I know it will be good for my soul but it is still hard and another step forward for me in this journey I never wanted to take. I will be putting on a brave face and a fake smile knowing everyone can see right through it. How could they not? It just all seems so strange and silly and sometimes I want to just laugh about it. We should all just be honest and say "This sucks and is awkward, let's have a drink." 

Facing grief in the first days and months after Mary passed I would ball up and lie in bed and just cry for hours, but the denial was also there big time. I would stuff reality away so I could get the things done I needed to do and just face the day.  People were gracious with letting me grieve and be a mess when I needed to. If I melted down in public it was acceptable. We received cards, flowers and meals and people showed us sympathy. But I had to function and look brave for Whit and Maddy.  It was really hard to function sometimes and sometimes being normal seemed impossible. In the following months after Mary's passing came Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and then the New Year. I faked smiles and cried opening presents all the while missing Mary witnessing the huge hole in our family. It just didn't seem right having fun without her here and us pretending to be happy.  In reality I wanted to burn down the Christmas tree and throw the presents out the window. I was only dreading the upcoming holidays and how empty they would be without Mary's laughter, smiles and fun adventurous spirit always around.  Having kids and family visiting and running through the house helped to keep me and everyone distracted but I could barely put out any decorations or shop. It just seemed wrong to celebrate in any way when I was so sad and lonely and empty on the inside. Winter is a usually depressing time for me. I always hated this time of the year and so did Mary. We disliked the cold and always looked forward to spring. The only time we enjoyed the winter was if it snowed, which it rarely does in GA. So after Mary passed I spent the winter hiding in bed moping and dreading February 5th-Mary's upcoming birthday.  Her birthday usually signaled the beginning of Valentine season. Lots of red hearts, decorating and the end of winter! This year she should have been turning 13 and becoming a beautiful teenager. She should be growing up just developing into being more beautiful and graceful and loving life.  She should not be gone from us. These thoughts only made me mad and really depressed. I didn't see signs of her spirit hovering. I didn't sense her presence. I didn't have dreams of her. Butterflies, birds chirping and feathers did not feel like her. I only felt alone and felt lots of deep loneliness. As spring approached I tried to perk up and reach out to friends. I went out more and tried to fundraise to kept my mind busy. I focused on the Carnival For A CURE and worked hard on this endeavor. This helped discuise my pain and focus on things Mary would want and wish for. I got out of bed more often and planted flowers and finally erected the cross in our back yard. I spent hours swinging looking at the cross, reading, escaping in my head and listening to music. Summer arrived and we visited the beach a lot (my happy place) and the pool and I enjoyed the neighborhood for the first time since we moved in. I functioned semi-normal knowing in July my birthday was approaching and I wouldn't want to celebrate. Why did I get another birthday and Mary didn't? Why do I get to live and have my dreams and wishes come true and Mary doesn't? It all seemed really unfair and I pretty much self destructed. It was a bad scene, I have to admit. I realized that I was going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole in my grief and pushing those who loved me the most further and further away. And sadly some of them I was pushing away were actually leaving. Those who really loved me were still there, but it is a sad scene when you look up from that dark place and you are all alone. Looking ugly, pitiful and thinking how pathetic you must seem.I felt embarrassed and not proud for Mary to see me this way. I realized it was time for me to try and climb out of this hole and shake the dirt off. I also realized no one could save me but myself. I am still climbing out and slipping back in from time to time. Grief is a dark place and a grieving person is no fun to be around. I have put up walls and pushed and hurt people but some have stayed and loved me through it. Thank God. And I really do thank God. My faith has been tested beyond belief and still is Every. Single. Day. No doubt. I am only human. But I can look back and see times where in my darkness He has carried me and saved me and never left me in my darkest and worst moments. I am still here, dirty and getting pieced back together very slowly in all my ugly imperfection. And  I am not alone. All of these feelings are common, sadly. I don't like being sad, it is not like me. I want to be happy. Some think grief has changed me, but I would beg to differ. I think it has awakened me. I have realized life it short. Yes-we all know this, but I now KNOW this. I always spent my life making those around me happy and in turn it made me happy. But now I am trying to realize some of my own dreams. It is hard for me to be or seem selfish, but I don't want to live with regret and I want the most out of this life also. I think Mary wants to see me happy. Since this realization I actually feel Mary closer and dream of her more often.  I actually feel stronger mentally than I have in a long time. After September 2nd, the one year anniversary of her passing, I almost felt renewed like it was time for me to stand taller and refresh my life. I have a ton to work on and I know this grief process is forever changing and a life long process. And I don't think it will get easier.  If I think about all of  that I get panicky. So I try not to think about it too hard. I am just trying to live in the present. There are some days I still cry and go back to bed. And some days I hide in that deep dark hole. But I do feel stronger and more productive so I think that is good. I want Mary to be proud of me no matter what. I think she is. I don't doubt that very often. She loves and forgives because she is Mary and I know she wants me to just be ME and be happy. She loves me in all my dirt and imperfections. I just have to learn to also love myself. I was told by someone to not feel bad if some time goes by that I don't think of her.  It is ok because I am not ready to think of her too long without feeling sad. That made a lot of sense to me. That is where the denial and the staying busy and the moving on comes into play. It is how the mind and body and spirit copes and lives on with a part of us missing. But one day I know I will be able to think of her and smile and not cry. I think that day is still a long way away. I just miss her too much still to not be sad. My advice for those who have sick children or dying loved ones is this:

I don't want you to get so caught up in the anger and sadness of possibly losing the one you love that you forget to relish the moments of them living. They are here now, alive and there are happy, wonderful moments happening. Treasure them, all of them. Once they are gone they are forever gone and nothing can bring them back. I think I already knew this and why I could never leave Mary's side during her whole treatment even though it was mentally and physically exhausting. Maybe that isn't the right thing for everyone or the healthiest thing.  I just didn't want to miss one single moment with her. I felt the same way after she was born and why she and I hardly slept the first year of her life. Life is fleeting and I wish I could just bottle it up. Time is precious. I can't explain how it feels to not feel Mary or smell her or hold her physically anymore. Even at her most ill I could still do that and feel her warmth. I would never want her here selfishly to suffer or be in pain but I miss her so deeply that my heart physically hurts. I literally can't think about it too hard or I can't function. Just don't take anyone or any time with loved ones for granted. In a way maybe it is a blessing when you get the chance to say "goodbye",  I don't know. But I can only now look forward to the day we when see each other again. For those new to the grieving process give yourself grace and time. It gets better, I won't say easier. You learn to live side by side with it. But there is hope for everyone. I can look at those 10 years ahead of me and see hope. And I hope those a year behind me can look ahead to me and see the same. ❤️