Tuesday, April 11, 2017
April 11
3 years...3 years doesn't seem like that long really, but to me it seems like a lifetime. April 11, 2014 Mary Elizabeth went from a seemingly healthy, normal, beautiful 12 year old girl to a child diagnosed with leukemia. We went from enjoying spring break, looking forward to Easter and her sister's upcoming birthday to trying to process a cancer diagnosis and what that meant. We truly had no way to comprehend what the next 17 months fighting the beast would entail. This is probably a good thing. Ignorance is bliss in a lot of ways, if we'd known how hard it was going to be we might not have had the strength to fight it. I'll never forget standing in the kitchen, after previously being told my daughter had mono, and getting a shocking phone call being told to rush straight to the hospital because they NOW suspected leukemia. My world was spinning and my brain couldn't even process the words in my ear. Steve walked in at the exact moment I was hearing the words "LEUKEMIA". He looked at my face and he just knew. I must have been as white as a ghost, only the wall was holding me up. I'll never forget being in that too tiny closed conference room with the doctor, who had tears in his eyes, trying to explain to two distraught, frightened parents that their daughter had leukemia. And even worse we soon learned she had AML, the most rare and deadly of the leukemias. I just wanted to go back to being ignorant. I didn't want to know about leukemia or even want the stupid word to exist. When you are told to not search the internet for information you know it can't be good. It was all way too much to handle and something I really couldn't even remotely process. We then had to try to figure out how we were suppose to explain something we really couldn't even understand ourselves to our daughter. I will never forget through hysterical tears telling Mary Elizabeth she had leukemia, a cancer we would do everything we could to beat. And I was trying hard to really believe we would beat it myself. The statistics were against us but I was hoping her will to fight was stronger. In true hero Mary form she comforted us instead and told her own parents, "Ok, no more tears. Y'all are no longer allowed to cry. Only I can cry. Everything will be ok." She was so strong and brave and confident. In that moment I knew she needed us to be stronger and braver and confident also. It was usually her strength which gave me the courage to carry through. I mostly kept my promise not to cry. Or at least to not cry in front of her. I would cry in the shower, in the hospital garden or silently into my pillow. If Mary could endure 100's of pokes, procedures, disappointments and tests then I could be strong enough to hold her hand without tears that she could see. I would choke them back, turn my head and wait until I reached the waiting room to let them flow. I was safe there with multiple other parents doing the same. Today I am not always strong without her. I am weak. I cry...a lot. She probably can see all my tears from heaven. I mostly hide them from the rest of the world, but she sees them. I can hear her sweet little voice in my ear, "Mommy, please don't cry. I'm ok. I love you so much. Please be strong. Maddy and Whit need you." When she left me I lost a big part of my strength, a huge chunk of my world was gone. She was a big reason for me waking up everyday and living. I still have reasons...Steve, Maddy and Whit. I am finding more reasons everyday. In this journey we have made so many amazing friends and have also lost too many. I hope 3 years from now Mary's legacy will have grown and more awareness and change will have happened. She at least deserves that and I have to wake up everyday to help make it happen. This true sad story is proof that life can change in a day, a minute, a second. Mine did on April 11, 2014. I choose to keep living without my soulmate and best friend by my side. It is really really hard. Some days it almost seems impossible. I have to believe her spirit is still with me guiding me along the way. I get by counting my blessings, staying positive and being grateful for what I do still have. I am forever thankful for the time I did share with Mary. Being her mom was my greatest gift. I will never forget this day-April 11, 2014. The day my life changed forever.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Hi Mary 😇
Spring break 2017 was relaxing and reenergizing. Something my soul really needed. Good times with friends is always much needed for the whole family and the kids really needed the break. Vacations are fun but also difficult because you know in your heart you are always missing one special person. It was a good week with tons of laughs, the best kids, ice cream runs, great food and awesome sunsets. We were very blessed to also spend some time with Peyton and Robert and their families. These are two cancer warriors and sweet friends of Mary's that mean the world to us. Honestly seeing Robert soaking up every second of the sand and sun after all he has been through broke my heart into pieces. He never stopped and never complained. I was beyond overjoyed to see him so happy. But he was so happy because he hasn't seen the ocean in years being that he has missed out on so much life because of damn cancer. Playing and rolling in the surf was something most kids take for granted, not Robert. Most kids complain they are hot, or tired, or sandy, or hungry, or bored. Imagine being bored at the beach???!!! Not Robert. He has spent more days fighting cancer than he has been alive. Yep, he just passed that milestone. It breaks my heart that the sweetest angels suffer the most. I got over my pity party eventually and later enjoyed our precious time with Robert. His smile and love for life is contagious just like Mary's and Lake's, explains the bond...there is a lesson in that. Next time you want to complain instead remember their smiles and their infectious love for life. Then just soak up the sun and take in the positives.
A few weeks before the trip I started doing something new. My best friend had been talking to me a lot about doing meditation for anxiety and trying some visualization strategies. I thought she was full of a bunch of baloney, but recently my brother in law was also talking about how much it has helped him. So I asked her more about it and she sent me some YouTube videos. Some seemed ridiculous, honestly. My nature is to do deep research into these things and I also did a lot more reading. I still am. Some of it is very interesting and much of it makes some sense. I am new at all of it but every morning at home I do breathing exercises and positive meditation. I figured it can't hurt, right? So one day I decided to do a visualization where I actually visited with Mary. It seemed very real and powerful. Once we were together in my mind there wasn't anything I really needed to ask her. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and cry. Then I told her I needed to see tangible, undeniable signs. I needed to known she was always near. I needed her to show me without a doubt she was with me and approved of my path. When I came out of this meditation I was covered in tears, mentally exhausted and I haven't been able to do it since. But I have been able to have more peace. And also I know I can go back there if/when I need to. Well some amazing things have happened that makes me believe there is maybe something to all of this. The theory is that we are all energy and we can connect if we can get into a place of positivity and acceptance. And depending on what perspective we have we can manifest positives or negatives into our life. I for one want more positive. I do believe that the universe is a big and powerful place. There is a lot out there and absolutely no way we can understand everything. A few strange things happened the week leading up to the beach and while at the beach. Here are a few things from the beach: On the way to the beach I noticed a cloud that looked like an angel and a heart. I watched them for about 30 minutes and they never moved. They are clouds, no biggie. Then one evening we were taking sunset pictures and I noticed a strange glow on my hand. I thought it was just the reflection of my ring, but realized my ring was on my other hand. I started looking at the other pictures and the golden orb was in many others and in the live pictures it moves all around very strangely. I sent them to a photographer friend who told me that is not something she can explain. I then knew it was Mary. The next evening my parents were taking pictures in their back yard of a beautiful cross Steve Gray (@crossdesigns1991 FB:Crossroads Deaigns of Perry, GA) made for my dad. My dad is making a "Mary Garden". Mary loved collecting crosses and Mr. Gray made one we gave Whit for Christmas. Guess what? The same golden orb showed up in my parents pictures in the garden around the cross moving all around. My sister took many picture and videos. There is no denying that Mary is with us. She came through. I am posting some of the the pictures so you can see it and decide for yourself.
For the first time in a very long time I feel strong and happy. I know Mary is with me in spirit. I feel even though my life is different and even though my path has changed it can still be a good, no a great and fulfilling path. I just have to let go, remember to not control everything. And just trust and BE STILL.
A few weeks before the trip I started doing something new. My best friend had been talking to me a lot about doing meditation for anxiety and trying some visualization strategies. I thought she was full of a bunch of baloney, but recently my brother in law was also talking about how much it has helped him. So I asked her more about it and she sent me some YouTube videos. Some seemed ridiculous, honestly. My nature is to do deep research into these things and I also did a lot more reading. I still am. Some of it is very interesting and much of it makes some sense. I am new at all of it but every morning at home I do breathing exercises and positive meditation. I figured it can't hurt, right? So one day I decided to do a visualization where I actually visited with Mary. It seemed very real and powerful. Once we were together in my mind there wasn't anything I really needed to ask her. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and cry. Then I told her I needed to see tangible, undeniable signs. I needed to known she was always near. I needed her to show me without a doubt she was with me and approved of my path. When I came out of this meditation I was covered in tears, mentally exhausted and I haven't been able to do it since. But I have been able to have more peace. And also I know I can go back there if/when I need to. Well some amazing things have happened that makes me believe there is maybe something to all of this. The theory is that we are all energy and we can connect if we can get into a place of positivity and acceptance. And depending on what perspective we have we can manifest positives or negatives into our life. I for one want more positive. I do believe that the universe is a big and powerful place. There is a lot out there and absolutely no way we can understand everything. A few strange things happened the week leading up to the beach and while at the beach. Here are a few things from the beach: On the way to the beach I noticed a cloud that looked like an angel and a heart. I watched them for about 30 minutes and they never moved. They are clouds, no biggie. Then one evening we were taking sunset pictures and I noticed a strange glow on my hand. I thought it was just the reflection of my ring, but realized my ring was on my other hand. I started looking at the other pictures and the golden orb was in many others and in the live pictures it moves all around very strangely. I sent them to a photographer friend who told me that is not something she can explain. I then knew it was Mary. The next evening my parents were taking pictures in their back yard of a beautiful cross Steve Gray (@crossdesigns1991 FB:Crossroads Deaigns of Perry, GA) made for my dad. My dad is making a "Mary Garden". Mary loved collecting crosses and Mr. Gray made one we gave Whit for Christmas. Guess what? The same golden orb showed up in my parents pictures in the garden around the cross moving all around. My sister took many picture and videos. There is no denying that Mary is with us. She came through. I am posting some of the the pictures so you can see it and decide for yourself.
For the first time in a very long time I feel strong and happy. I know Mary is with me in spirit. I feel even though my life is different and even though my path has changed it can still be a good, no a great and fulfilling path. I just have to let go, remember to not control everything. And just trust and BE STILL.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
New Grief
My friend Anna and I had lunch with a new grieving mom this week. I was thrown back into many memories of missing Mary and coming home forever missing a child. Leaving the hospital without your child is a horrible feeling that is hard to explain. I had to do it twice with Mary. Both times were excruciating. One time it was temporary and one time was permanent. I now can't help but wonder if the first time was a warning of the future to come...When she was born she was so tiny and I had to leave the hospital without her. She was born pretty healthy but very small and she was placed in the special care nursery at Northside Hospital. I had fought so hard to have this precious baby and there was no way I was leaving her at the hospital alone, but I had to. It was for just one night but it felt terrible. I remember forcefully and reluctantly being made to go home for the night after my personal stay was over. It was an awful feeling to have a new baby and then to have to leave the hospital empty handed. I got home and didn't sleep a wink. I called the nursery several times during the night just to check on Mary. Then at 5 a.m. I woke Steve up and made him drive me back to the hospital. I camped out in the nursery until I aggravated the staff enough and they finally let me take her home. This is no joke. I barely took my eyes off off of her or slept for the next two years...also not a joke. I think I always knew deep down in my soul that my time with her would be short and I treasured every moment. I worried constantly she would stop breathing and I didn't want to miss a minute or a look at her perfect, beautiful angelic face. Somehow I just always knew she was going to leave me too soon.
Sitting with this mom at lunch I relived so many memories of losing Mary. It is really hard to go back there, and I realized it really wasn't that long ago when I was sitting in her very same shoes at the very beginning of this journey of loss. I don't envy her. Now also a mom of 2 and not 3. A mom feeling lost, sad and alone-but not alone. So many moms are just like me, too many missing babies that should still be with them. But you still feel so lonely and confused. Sometimes it seems like a millions years have passed. The world keeps moving in fast forward and I feel like I am being catapulted forward as well and expected to somehow find a way to cope. It's very weird. I think in many ways I'm still in denial that Mary is gone and never coming home. I sometimes feel her close and I think she will soon walk through the door of this house. A house we bought soon before she was diagnosed. A house built perfectly for 3 kids. A house too big for 2 kids but just right for 3 kids and 3 cats. Mary should be running around going to dance class, enjoying her friends, her cool room and awesome playhouse. If I think about it too hard I really just can't function. Honestly some days I don't. Some days I go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and hide or escape into fantasy land. Most days I do ok. I can pretend to be a normal mom and handle fundraisers, school carnivals, lacrosse games and cheer practices. But I am always missing a 3rd child's activities and that will never change. The truth is I can't go into Mary's room or I might never leave. I can't go through her clothes or her things because I become frozen. I just live downstairs and keep the basement, garage and closets basically unorganized in fear I will find her memories and just become paralyzed. It has happened on many occasions. Talking to this mom who lost her son to cancer just mere weeks ago brought back the memories of losing Mary. It felt like it happened just yesterday. Memories of me screaming and not recognizing my own cries. My begging God to save my child as she took her last breath in my arms flashed in my head. Driving home from Memphis with an empty van seat, a van seat that would forever be empty was all I could see. A restaurant reservation forever for just 4 and no longer 5 was stuck in my mind. I have memories of going to the dentist and being asked if they could make an appointment for Mary and not being prepared how to respond. I have memories of being asked how many children I have and bursting into tears in front of a total stranger who had no idea what they said wrong. How do I prepare this new grieving mom for these moments and the long road ahead of her? There isn't a proper way to prepare anyone for this path. It's rocky, rough, bumpy and long. A road no one wants to walk, but you are never having to walk it alone. This road I've only walked for a year and a half but this road feels like I've walked on a million miles already. There is no easy or right answer about how to tread. And sadly my other friend, sitting at lunch with us and walking the same path with me, has the same advice for her as I do. I fear all of us experienced grieving moms have the same advice, so I pray it is helpful and true:
Grief comes in waves. The anticipation of big life events seems to be worse than the actual events. The firsts are the worst. Try to forgive yourself. Be easy on yourself. Be patient. You will feel crazy at times and that's "normal". You and your spouse will grieve differently. You and your spouse will most definitely struggle. Take personal time outs if you need it. Sometimes you will look in the mirror and not know the person staring back. Cry if you need to. Be sad when you need to even if it is at an inopportune time. Let your kids see you grieve. Celebrate/remember your child even if it hurts. Be open and talk with your other children about their pain and fears and answer their questions. You will most likely have many questions and struggle with your faith. Smile and be happy when you feel it. Your other kids deserve to have a present mom, so take care of yourself. Get healthy if you can. Find time to pamper yourself, you deserve it. Find your purpose, if you don't know it just search for it. Rely on other grieving moms to help you through. They understand and only they can. The moms usually carry a huge burden of being the stronghold of the family. It's a lot of pressure. Just know that and try to relieve some of that pressure where you can. Let others help you. Seek counseling if you need it. Rest!!!!Do what you have to do to get the rest you need. Mentally you need rest. The puzzle pieces may go back into place but they may fit back together differently. Grief changes you. Your perspective is forever changed. I am sure there is more. Feel free to add if you are following and have more advice. Grief is hard and I am no expert. I am learning and growing and changing everyday. I think I will continue to do so until I see Mary again.
Sitting with this mom at lunch I relived so many memories of losing Mary. It is really hard to go back there, and I realized it really wasn't that long ago when I was sitting in her very same shoes at the very beginning of this journey of loss. I don't envy her. Now also a mom of 2 and not 3. A mom feeling lost, sad and alone-but not alone. So many moms are just like me, too many missing babies that should still be with them. But you still feel so lonely and confused. Sometimes it seems like a millions years have passed. The world keeps moving in fast forward and I feel like I am being catapulted forward as well and expected to somehow find a way to cope. It's very weird. I think in many ways I'm still in denial that Mary is gone and never coming home. I sometimes feel her close and I think she will soon walk through the door of this house. A house we bought soon before she was diagnosed. A house built perfectly for 3 kids. A house too big for 2 kids but just right for 3 kids and 3 cats. Mary should be running around going to dance class, enjoying her friends, her cool room and awesome playhouse. If I think about it too hard I really just can't function. Honestly some days I don't. Some days I go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and hide or escape into fantasy land. Most days I do ok. I can pretend to be a normal mom and handle fundraisers, school carnivals, lacrosse games and cheer practices. But I am always missing a 3rd child's activities and that will never change. The truth is I can't go into Mary's room or I might never leave. I can't go through her clothes or her things because I become frozen. I just live downstairs and keep the basement, garage and closets basically unorganized in fear I will find her memories and just become paralyzed. It has happened on many occasions. Talking to this mom who lost her son to cancer just mere weeks ago brought back the memories of losing Mary. It felt like it happened just yesterday. Memories of me screaming and not recognizing my own cries. My begging God to save my child as she took her last breath in my arms flashed in my head. Driving home from Memphis with an empty van seat, a van seat that would forever be empty was all I could see. A restaurant reservation forever for just 4 and no longer 5 was stuck in my mind. I have memories of going to the dentist and being asked if they could make an appointment for Mary and not being prepared how to respond. I have memories of being asked how many children I have and bursting into tears in front of a total stranger who had no idea what they said wrong. How do I prepare this new grieving mom for these moments and the long road ahead of her? There isn't a proper way to prepare anyone for this path. It's rocky, rough, bumpy and long. A road no one wants to walk, but you are never having to walk it alone. This road I've only walked for a year and a half but this road feels like I've walked on a million miles already. There is no easy or right answer about how to tread. And sadly my other friend, sitting at lunch with us and walking the same path with me, has the same advice for her as I do. I fear all of us experienced grieving moms have the same advice, so I pray it is helpful and true:
Grief comes in waves. The anticipation of big life events seems to be worse than the actual events. The firsts are the worst. Try to forgive yourself. Be easy on yourself. Be patient. You will feel crazy at times and that's "normal". You and your spouse will grieve differently. You and your spouse will most definitely struggle. Take personal time outs if you need it. Sometimes you will look in the mirror and not know the person staring back. Cry if you need to. Be sad when you need to even if it is at an inopportune time. Let your kids see you grieve. Celebrate/remember your child even if it hurts. Be open and talk with your other children about their pain and fears and answer their questions. You will most likely have many questions and struggle with your faith. Smile and be happy when you feel it. Your other kids deserve to have a present mom, so take care of yourself. Get healthy if you can. Find time to pamper yourself, you deserve it. Find your purpose, if you don't know it just search for it. Rely on other grieving moms to help you through. They understand and only they can. The moms usually carry a huge burden of being the stronghold of the family. It's a lot of pressure. Just know that and try to relieve some of that pressure where you can. Let others help you. Seek counseling if you need it. Rest!!!!Do what you have to do to get the rest you need. Mentally you need rest. The puzzle pieces may go back into place but they may fit back together differently. Grief changes you. Your perspective is forever changed. I am sure there is more. Feel free to add if you are following and have more advice. Grief is hard and I am no expert. I am learning and growing and changing everyday. I think I will continue to do so until I see Mary again.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Grieving Mom's Club😔
The "Grieving Mom's Club". A crappy name for a club no one wants to join. But it's a club you desperately might need to be in if you lose your child to cancer. Yes I am in this exclusive club. It's actually an amazing group of women. Some of the most beautiful and talented souls I have ever known are also in this crappy club. Sometimes I look around at these awesome ladies and I think to myself, "How did I end up here? Wow, I feel lucky to know them but sad to have to know them this way. Couldn't we have just met at a book club meeting or park or something? Because meeting like this sucks." Many times people contact me when they know someone with a sick cancer child and ask me if I would be willing to meet their friend whose child was just diagnosed. I am always willing but I must explain to them that most parents don't want to talk to me. They are searching for hope at the time of their child's cancer diagnosis. It's not easy for a grieving parent to offer a lot of hope. I can offer facts and friendship but these parents need to hear successes not failures. If their child loses their cancer battle then they will need me and I will surely be there.
In this club of mine we need each other desperately. I don't think I could survive without these brave and extraordinary women in my life. They give me strength and hope when I lose mine. A different kind of hope though.
Hope that I can survive another day. Hope that I am not losing my mind. Hope that my feelings are "normal". Hope that my all isn't lost. Hope that my fear can be overcome. Hope that the fog will lift. Hope that the tears will someday dry up. Hope that I will find my purpose again. Hope in a future. Hope in a better tomorrow. Hope that I won't suffer forever. Hope that I can be happy again. Hope in so many things.
We are all different in so many ways. And most of us probably would have never met if it wasn't for this damn cancer monster stealing our children away from us. Some of us are in different stages of life. Some of us have different religious beliefs. Some have different pasts and upbringings. Some of us are married and some of us are single or divorced. Some of us are in different stages of grief. But what is the same and what will always remain the same are these things: We have unconditional love, respect and understanding for one another. There are never any judgments. We are always free to feel how we feel no matter what. We are always real, open and honest. We let newcomers in although we really don't want to increase our numbers. Sadly our numbers do keep growing and growing and growing. I do know this, that I am grateful and blessed for each and every one of them. And I would be very lost without them. If you unfortunately ever find yourself needing to join the "Grieving Moms Club" we will regretfully let you in. The entry fee is steep but the rewards are comfort, love, acceptance, hope, friendship and maybe some earthy peace on your journey with us. We will walk with you, beside you and sometimes even carry you. We unfortunately know how uncomfortable those shoes of yours feel. And we are sorry. 😔❤️
In this club of mine we need each other desperately. I don't think I could survive without these brave and extraordinary women in my life. They give me strength and hope when I lose mine. A different kind of hope though.
Hope that I can survive another day. Hope that I am not losing my mind. Hope that my feelings are "normal". Hope that my all isn't lost. Hope that my fear can be overcome. Hope that the fog will lift. Hope that the tears will someday dry up. Hope that I will find my purpose again. Hope in a future. Hope in a better tomorrow. Hope that I won't suffer forever. Hope that I can be happy again. Hope in so many things.
We are all different in so many ways. And most of us probably would have never met if it wasn't for this damn cancer monster stealing our children away from us. Some of us are in different stages of life. Some of us have different religious beliefs. Some have different pasts and upbringings. Some of us are married and some of us are single or divorced. Some of us are in different stages of grief. But what is the same and what will always remain the same are these things: We have unconditional love, respect and understanding for one another. There are never any judgments. We are always free to feel how we feel no matter what. We are always real, open and honest. We let newcomers in although we really don't want to increase our numbers. Sadly our numbers do keep growing and growing and growing. I do know this, that I am grateful and blessed for each and every one of them. And I would be very lost without them. If you unfortunately ever find yourself needing to join the "Grieving Moms Club" we will regretfully let you in. The entry fee is steep but the rewards are comfort, love, acceptance, hope, friendship and maybe some earthy peace on your journey with us. We will walk with you, beside you and sometimes even carry you. We unfortunately know how uncomfortable those shoes of yours feel. And we are sorry. 😔❤️
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Life goes on...
As the weather is getting warmer and I feel spring in air I always start to focus on new beginnings. Spring is always my favorite time of year and Easter is my favorite holiday. Mary loved it too and she always helped me to decorate around the house. But getting out decorations these days is still a struggle. I cry instead of feeling happy and joyful. I feel good and positive most days, but I find myself in dark sad moments at random times still. They grab me and it's hard to find my way out. I sometimes feel "normal" and happy. Life almost begins to feel good again and then BAM I remember the reality. The reality is I miss my best friend and she is forever gone. Her bed is empty, her friends are growing up without her and she is not here growing up by my side. The fantasy can only last so long before this reality slips back in. I feel very alone, like no one remembers or cares or...I don't know. It is just a sad, depressing and empty feeling. Having several sick family members currently fighting cancer doesn't help as it sometimes seems like a family curse and brings up painful memories. But I do try to focus on the positives. That helps and I know I have many. I have close friends who have stood by me throughout everything I have been through and they never deserted me in my darkest of times. Most sane people would have run away, they didn't. They held my hand, they still do. They don't judge and they love me regardless of my flaws, as I do them. I feel to have one of these friends is a treasure and I am lucky to have a few. Maddy and Whit are beyond amazing kids. They are flourishing in life, period. They are successful in school, sports and with friends. I really could not be more proud. They are my biggest treasures.
We have a loving family and we are open and supportive of each other. This is big. I am lucky and blessed. I still see goodness in everyday and it helps when I can keep fundraising and sharing our story to make a difference. You never know where you will touch someone. This week I had an unexpected encounter with someone whose daughter had cancer, a relapse and a BMT. I actually don't think most of his coworkers even knew his story or could understand the depth of his journey. Praise God she is surviving and flourishing, but sadly I could see the many scars left behind through this dad's tears. The fear never goes away and childhood cancer leaves lasting reminders and cracks in families that last a lifetime. But I am glad I am able to be out there and hopefully making a difference for those who still have a fighting chance. I now have a new friend and he has a new support if he needs one.
Through this journey I have learned some hard lessons that help me cope. I have to go against my inherent personality traits most of the time, but I know to grow and be a better person there are some things I must do.
1. Stay away from negative people. People that make me feel bad or sad are not needed in my life. Cut ties. This is a biggie. I hate cutting ties, it's not my nature. But this is important. Not everyone will like or love me. I have to accept that and move on. I can't control other people's behavior, just my own. I can't spend time worrying about their perception of me. I stopped following any negative people on social media. This is a biggie.
2. Say "no". Sometimes you just have to refuse the things that give your life added stress. And/or ask for help. I really am working on this one!
3. Don't fear appearing weak. I hate feeling weak or unable to accomplish something. I feel strong and want to be independent but sometimes it is important to let insecurities go and trust others to help. Or just ask for help. It's okay. Really :)
4. Don't always be so trusting. I often put faith in people I probably shouldn't. I feel I am a trustworthy person and expect those around me to be the same. They don't always have the same intentions. Most people are selfish-it's human nature. Just know this. Don't take it personal.
5. Put myself and my happiness first at times and not feel guilty. This is big. It is hard for me to not live for the happiness of others. But you get one life, be happy, make the most of it. I believe this 💯
6. Forgive myself. This is hard for me and probably most everyone. We all are probably hardest on ourselves. I think this is human nature. But I have to forgive myself to allow growth and healing.
7. Just live day by day and moment by moment. Try not to control all aspects of my life. Being in control feels good. But I learned the hard way it is impossible to control every aspect. Be open to change. I think it is good to have a plan but it if doesn't work out don't let it make you crazy. Just go with it and look for the positives.
8. Spend time with the ones you love. Talk and take pictures and make memories. I promise you that tomorrow is never promised. Have no regrets.
9. Be ok with failing. I think it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. I want to always look successful and for my ideas and plans to be the best...truth=sometimes they aren't. Move on and try again. But don't ever give up on your dreams or ideas. One is surely to be amazing. Ha.
So, for me life is ticking along. Sometimes slowly, sometimes too quickly, sometimes peacefully, sometimes with anxiety and sometimes with happiness. But it is LIFE. I'm just going with it .
I am attaching a really good article that resonated with me about being a people pleaser. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else also.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/
By Henry Van Dyke
Time is too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, time is Eternity.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/
We have a loving family and we are open and supportive of each other. This is big. I am lucky and blessed. I still see goodness in everyday and it helps when I can keep fundraising and sharing our story to make a difference. You never know where you will touch someone. This week I had an unexpected encounter with someone whose daughter had cancer, a relapse and a BMT. I actually don't think most of his coworkers even knew his story or could understand the depth of his journey. Praise God she is surviving and flourishing, but sadly I could see the many scars left behind through this dad's tears. The fear never goes away and childhood cancer leaves lasting reminders and cracks in families that last a lifetime. But I am glad I am able to be out there and hopefully making a difference for those who still have a fighting chance. I now have a new friend and he has a new support if he needs one.
Through this journey I have learned some hard lessons that help me cope. I have to go against my inherent personality traits most of the time, but I know to grow and be a better person there are some things I must do.
1. Stay away from negative people. People that make me feel bad or sad are not needed in my life. Cut ties. This is a biggie. I hate cutting ties, it's not my nature. But this is important. Not everyone will like or love me. I have to accept that and move on. I can't control other people's behavior, just my own. I can't spend time worrying about their perception of me. I stopped following any negative people on social media. This is a biggie.
2. Say "no". Sometimes you just have to refuse the things that give your life added stress. And/or ask for help. I really am working on this one!
3. Don't fear appearing weak. I hate feeling weak or unable to accomplish something. I feel strong and want to be independent but sometimes it is important to let insecurities go and trust others to help. Or just ask for help. It's okay. Really :)
4. Don't always be so trusting. I often put faith in people I probably shouldn't. I feel I am a trustworthy person and expect those around me to be the same. They don't always have the same intentions. Most people are selfish-it's human nature. Just know this. Don't take it personal.
5. Put myself and my happiness first at times and not feel guilty. This is big. It is hard for me to not live for the happiness of others. But you get one life, be happy, make the most of it. I believe this 💯
6. Forgive myself. This is hard for me and probably most everyone. We all are probably hardest on ourselves. I think this is human nature. But I have to forgive myself to allow growth and healing.
7. Just live day by day and moment by moment. Try not to control all aspects of my life. Being in control feels good. But I learned the hard way it is impossible to control every aspect. Be open to change. I think it is good to have a plan but it if doesn't work out don't let it make you crazy. Just go with it and look for the positives.
8. Spend time with the ones you love. Talk and take pictures and make memories. I promise you that tomorrow is never promised. Have no regrets.
9. Be ok with failing. I think it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. I want to always look successful and for my ideas and plans to be the best...truth=sometimes they aren't. Move on and try again. But don't ever give up on your dreams or ideas. One is surely to be amazing. Ha.
So, for me life is ticking along. Sometimes slowly, sometimes too quickly, sometimes peacefully, sometimes with anxiety and sometimes with happiness. But it is LIFE. I'm just going with it .
I am attaching a really good article that resonated with me about being a people pleaser. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else also.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/
By Henry Van Dyke
Time is too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, time is Eternity.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Tri Delta and St Jude
I've been thinking about this post for a while and now is the perfect time to write it. Sororities/fraternities many times get a bad wrap. You often only hear the negative stories and not often enough the positive ones. When I went to UGA joining Tri Delta was one of the best decisions of my life. But even then I had no idea the impact that decision would have on me. The girls I met became my closest and lifelong friends. To this day many of us talk daily/weekly. We still get together often and we support each other through all of life's ups and downs. They have supported me through this cancer journey in more ways than I could ever tell you in this brief writing. That is what joining a sorority is about: sisterhood and bonding for life. It's for real. For me their support and love meant everything. I know 100% that if it was not for my Tri Delta sisters I wouldn't have made it all 4 years at UGA.
I always knew that St Jude was Tri Delta's philanthropy but I never knew how important that would be until my beautiful Mary was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and needed St. Jude to save her life. When I walked into the hospital and saw the strong influence of Tri Delta it gave me such peace to know my sisters put such a big mark on the place that I prayed would be able to heal my child. If anyone could, I felt they could. Mary also believe it with all of her heart. When we landed in Memphis she burst into tears. I was confused and asked her if she was ok. She said, "I'm just so happy because I know this place will save my life." They didn't save her, that obviously wasn't in the cards, but we did get 10 more miraculous months. Mary loved St Jude and she wanted to be a Tri Delta even more after being there. She loved seeing pictures everywhere of the sisters, the art, the pin embedded in the waiting room wall and their visits. We often talked about my fun times at UGA and all the good times with my sisters. I can't explain how it touches my heart to be able to go back to Athens to share my personal story with the new sisters. It's great to see the tears in their eyes and know they can feel the hard work and money raised really does make a difference. To have a freshman come up to me from my high school to tell me she became a Tri Delta because of me and Mary. To tell me that she wants to be a Pediatric oncology nurse makes me feel as though our journey has a purpose. Last year our chapter raised over $60,000 and this year the goal is $81,000. I have no doubt they will reach it and beyond. I am beyond proud. I am hopeful more girls will join sorority life and be proud of their sisterhood. It can be a wonderful thing, I know I am forever proud and thankful. I know Mary is also. Delta Love!
I always knew that St Jude was Tri Delta's philanthropy but I never knew how important that would be until my beautiful Mary was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and needed St. Jude to save her life. When I walked into the hospital and saw the strong influence of Tri Delta it gave me such peace to know my sisters put such a big mark on the place that I prayed would be able to heal my child. If anyone could, I felt they could. Mary also believe it with all of her heart. When we landed in Memphis she burst into tears. I was confused and asked her if she was ok. She said, "I'm just so happy because I know this place will save my life." They didn't save her, that obviously wasn't in the cards, but we did get 10 more miraculous months. Mary loved St Jude and she wanted to be a Tri Delta even more after being there. She loved seeing pictures everywhere of the sisters, the art, the pin embedded in the waiting room wall and their visits. We often talked about my fun times at UGA and all the good times with my sisters. I can't explain how it touches my heart to be able to go back to Athens to share my personal story with the new sisters. It's great to see the tears in their eyes and know they can feel the hard work and money raised really does make a difference. To have a freshman come up to me from my high school to tell me she became a Tri Delta because of me and Mary. To tell me that she wants to be a Pediatric oncology nurse makes me feel as though our journey has a purpose. Last year our chapter raised over $60,000 and this year the goal is $81,000. I have no doubt they will reach it and beyond. I am beyond proud. I am hopeful more girls will join sorority life and be proud of their sisterhood. It can be a wonderful thing, I know I am forever proud and thankful. I know Mary is also. Delta Love!
Friday, February 3, 2017
14
I've been in denial. I totally blocked it out and avoided the date. It's not like I didn't know it was looming-it was one of the best days of my life. I have been filling my calendar, writing in appointments, meetings and other upcoming events but avoiding that one particular day-February 5th. It's amazing what we as humans can ignore when we put our minds to it. Then today I did it, I flipped the calendar to February and drew a small heart on the 5th. It's Mary's birthday. I can't even accept it or believe it; the fact that she should be turning 14. How can this even be? She will be turning 14 in Heaven and not having her 14th birthday here on earth. I truly don't know how this is even my reality. She should be picking out make up and getting a manicure. We should be shopping at her favorite stores and getting Starbucks together. We should be planning a fun weekend with friends and talking about boys and music. Instead I am trying to avoid thinking about this day because it brings sadness and tears and rips my soul in two. On this day to honor her memory, if you wish, you can do like last year and donate $14 in Mary's honor. It will go into our fund and 100% will go toward AML research and trials for children. You wouldn't believe the difference it made last year. Seeing 100's of $13 donations made a big difference but not only that it also said to us that so many cared and remembered Mary. We will celebrate Mary on Sunday. We plan to get a big pink unicorn cake, release 14 pink balloons toward heaven and cheer on the Falcons while eating her favorite meal of steak and shrimp. We will remember her best times, her happy times, the times we laughed and loved. I will cry and cry a lot because that is what I do. I am still sad and heartbroken that my sweetest Mary is not here with me. My life will never be complete without her.
I decided to look up the significance of the number 14. I know it has to be important. 14 would have been a big year for her. Mary would be in 8th grade and almost ready for high school. She would be taller, more beautiful and as vibrant as ever. 12 years with her was just not enough. This is what I found out about the number 14 if you are also interested.
Valentine’s Day, of course is celebrated on February 14 every year. It is a day for romance and love.
The Fourteen Stations of the Cross are stations for meditation used by many Catholics in the Roman Catholic Church.
The stations consist of fourteen crosses and may also have pictures.
The believers go from one station to the next saying prayers.
These are the fourteen stations approved by Pope Benedict XVI:
1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
2. Jesus betrayed by Judas and arrested
3. Jesus condemned by the Sanhedrin
4. Jesus denied by Peter
5. Jesus is judged by Pilate
6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns
7. Jesus takes up His cross
8. Jesus is helped by Simon to carry His cross
9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
10. Jesus is crucified
11. Jesus promises His kingdom to the repentant thief
12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other
13. Jesus dies on the cross
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb
In Engelbert Humperdinck’s opera “Hansel and Gretel”, there is the prayer of the lost children: “The Fourteen Angels”:
When at night I go to sleep,
fourteen angels watch to keep,
two my head are guarding,
two my feet are guiding;
two upon my right hand,
two upon my left hand.
two who warmly cover,
two who o’er me hover,
two to whom ’tis given
to guide my steps to heaven.
The number 14 represents deliverance or salvation and is used twenty-two times in the Bible. The term "14th" is found 24 times in scriptures.
The fourteenth day of the first month is the Passover, when God delivered the firstborn of Israel from death. Some 430 years earlier, on the night of the 14th day of the first month, God made two covenant promises to Abraham — one of the physical seed, Isaac, and his descendants, and one of the spiritual seed, Jesus Christ, and the sons of God who would come through Him, who would shine like the stars of heaven (Matthew 13:43). On the day portion of the 14th, God confirmed the promises with a special covenant sacrifice.
"After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.' But Abram said, 'Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?' . . .
"And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, 'This one shall not be your heir, but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.' Then He brought him outside and said, 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.' And He said to him, 'So shall your descendants be.'
"Then He said to him, 'I am the Lord, who brought you out of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to inherit it.' And he said, 'Lord GOD, how shall I know that I will inherit it?' So He said to him, 'Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon. . . . ' " (Genesis 15:1-2, 4-5, 7-9, NKJV)
On the 14th day of the first month in 30 A.D. Jesus Christ, God manifested in the flesh, the only begotten Son of God the Father, and the Lamb of God to take away the sin of the world, was crucified as the perfect sacrifice to save mankind from sin. Jesus' death on Passover completed His ministry in the flesh.
Seven represents completion - thus 7 + 7 = 14, indicating a double completion:
1. Jesus' ministry in the flesh was completed.
2. Jesus' sacrifice ended or fulfilled the need for animal sacrifices.
I would personally say the number 14 seems to be pretty significant. Mary, I will miss you forever and ever until I am with you again!
*I have attached a picture of a pink unillama and the number 14 you can change to your profile picture if you like. It is something Mary would find hilarious and a reminder of her birthday. I am also attaching the link to our fund if you want to give ❤️
I decided to look up the significance of the number 14. I know it has to be important. 14 would have been a big year for her. Mary would be in 8th grade and almost ready for high school. She would be taller, more beautiful and as vibrant as ever. 12 years with her was just not enough. This is what I found out about the number 14 if you are also interested.
Valentine’s Day, of course is celebrated on February 14 every year. It is a day for romance and love.
The Fourteen Stations of the Cross are stations for meditation used by many Catholics in the Roman Catholic Church.
The stations consist of fourteen crosses and may also have pictures.
The believers go from one station to the next saying prayers.
These are the fourteen stations approved by Pope Benedict XVI:
1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
2. Jesus betrayed by Judas and arrested
3. Jesus condemned by the Sanhedrin
4. Jesus denied by Peter
5. Jesus is judged by Pilate
6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns
7. Jesus takes up His cross
8. Jesus is helped by Simon to carry His cross
9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
10. Jesus is crucified
11. Jesus promises His kingdom to the repentant thief
12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other
13. Jesus dies on the cross
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb
In Engelbert Humperdinck’s opera “Hansel and Gretel”, there is the prayer of the lost children: “The Fourteen Angels”:
When at night I go to sleep,
fourteen angels watch to keep,
two my head are guarding,
two my feet are guiding;
two upon my right hand,
two upon my left hand.
two who warmly cover,
two who o’er me hover,
two to whom ’tis given
to guide my steps to heaven.
The number 14 represents deliverance or salvation and is used twenty-two times in the Bible. The term "14th" is found 24 times in scriptures.
The fourteenth day of the first month is the Passover, when God delivered the firstborn of Israel from death. Some 430 years earlier, on the night of the 14th day of the first month, God made two covenant promises to Abraham — one of the physical seed, Isaac, and his descendants, and one of the spiritual seed, Jesus Christ, and the sons of God who would come through Him, who would shine like the stars of heaven (Matthew 13:43). On the day portion of the 14th, God confirmed the promises with a special covenant sacrifice.
"After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.' But Abram said, 'Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?' . . .
"And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, 'This one shall not be your heir, but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.' Then He brought him outside and said, 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.' And He said to him, 'So shall your descendants be.'
"Then He said to him, 'I am the Lord, who brought you out of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to inherit it.' And he said, 'Lord GOD, how shall I know that I will inherit it?' So He said to him, 'Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon. . . . ' " (Genesis 15:1-2, 4-5, 7-9, NKJV)
On the 14th day of the first month in 30 A.D. Jesus Christ, God manifested in the flesh, the only begotten Son of God the Father, and the Lamb of God to take away the sin of the world, was crucified as the perfect sacrifice to save mankind from sin. Jesus' death on Passover completed His ministry in the flesh.
Seven represents completion - thus 7 + 7 = 14, indicating a double completion:
1. Jesus' ministry in the flesh was completed.
2. Jesus' sacrifice ended or fulfilled the need for animal sacrifices.
I would personally say the number 14 seems to be pretty significant. Mary, I will miss you forever and ever until I am with you again!
*I have attached a picture of a pink unillama and the number 14 you can change to your profile picture if you like. It is something Mary would find hilarious and a reminder of her birthday. I am also attaching the link to our fund if you want to give ❤️
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
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