Life goes on...

As the weather is getting warmer and I feel spring in air I always start to focus on new beginnings. Spring is always my favorite time of year and Easter is my favorite holiday. Mary loved it too and she always helped me to decorate around the house. But getting out decorations these days is still a struggle. I cry instead of feeling happy and joyful. I feel good and positive most days, but I find myself in dark sad moments at random times still.  They grab me and it's hard to find my way out. I sometimes feel "normal" and happy. Life almost begins to feel good again and then BAM I remember the reality. The reality is I miss my best friend and she is forever gone. Her bed is empty, her friends are growing up without her and she is not here growing up by my side. The fantasy can only last so long before this reality slips back in. I feel very alone, like no one remembers or cares or...I don't know. It is just a sad, depressing and empty feeling. Having several sick family members currently fighting cancer doesn't help as it sometimes seems like a family curse and brings up painful memories.  But I do try to focus on the positives. That helps and I know I have many. I have close friends who have stood by me throughout everything I have been through and they never deserted me in my darkest of times. Most sane people would  have run away, they didn't. They held my hand, they still do. They don't judge and they love me regardless of my flaws, as I do them. I feel to have one of these friends is a treasure and I am lucky to have a few. Maddy and Whit are beyond amazing kids. They are flourishing in life, period. They are successful in school, sports and with friends. I really could not be more proud. They are my biggest treasures.
We have a loving family and we are open and supportive of each other. This is big. I am lucky and blessed. I still see goodness in everyday and it helps when I can keep fundraising and sharing our story to make a difference. You never know where you will touch someone. This week I had an unexpected encounter with someone whose daughter had cancer, a relapse and a BMT. I actually don't think most of his coworkers even knew his story or could understand the depth of his journey. Praise God she is surviving and flourishing, but sadly I could see the many scars left behind through this dad's tears. The fear never goes away and childhood cancer leaves lasting reminders and cracks in families that last a lifetime. But I am glad I am able to be out there and hopefully making a difference for those who still have a fighting chance.  I now have a new friend and he has a new support if he needs one.
Through this journey I have learned some hard lessons that help me cope. I have to go against my inherent personality traits most of the time, but I know to grow and be a better person there are some things I must do.
1. Stay away from negative people. People that make me feel bad or sad are not needed in my life. Cut ties. This is a biggie. I hate cutting ties, it's not my nature. But this is important. Not everyone will like or love me. I have to accept that and move on. I can't control other people's behavior, just my own. I can't spend time worrying about their perception of me. I stopped following any negative people on social media. This is a biggie.
2. Say "no". Sometimes you just have to refuse the things that give your life added stress. And/or ask for help. I really am working on this one!
3. Don't fear appearing weak. I hate feeling weak or unable to accomplish something. I feel strong and want to be independent but sometimes it is important to let insecurities go and trust others to help. Or just ask for help. It's okay. Really :)
4. Don't always be so trusting. I often put faith in people I probably shouldn't. I feel I am a trustworthy person and expect those around me to be the same. They don't always have the same intentions. Most people are selfish-it's human nature. Just know this. Don't take it personal.
5. Put myself and my happiness first at times and not feel guilty. This is big. It is hard for me to not live for the happiness of others. But you get one life, be happy, make the most of it. I believe this 💯
6. Forgive myself. This is hard for me and probably most everyone. We all are probably hardest on ourselves. I think this is human nature. But I have to forgive myself to allow growth and healing.
7. Just live day by day and moment by moment. Try not to control all aspects of my life. Being in control feels good. But I learned the hard way it is impossible to control every aspect. Be open to change. I think it is good to have a plan but it if doesn't work out don't let it make you crazy. Just go with it and look for the positives.
8. Spend time with the ones you love. Talk and take pictures and make memories. I promise you that tomorrow is never promised. Have no regrets.
9. Be ok with failing.  I think it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. I want to always look successful and for my ideas and plans to be the best...truth=sometimes they aren't. Move on and try again. But don't ever give up on your dreams or ideas. One is surely to be amazing. Ha.

So, for me life is ticking along. Sometimes slowly, sometimes too quickly, sometimes peacefully, sometimes with anxiety and sometimes with happiness. But it is LIFE. I'm just going with it .

I am attaching a really good article that resonated with me about being a people pleaser. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else also.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/

By Henry Van Dyke
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is
 Eternity.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/