I have had times in my life when I just wanted time to stand still. I remember Christmas mornings I never wanted to end, dances where I could just stay out and dance forever, my wedding day, vacations that went by way too fast and time home with Mary. Time home with Mary was NEVER long enough. Of course there were also many times I wanted time to move faster like: studying for a test, when stuck in traffic, during medical procedures and when sick. But I am flooded now with memories of being home with Mary after she was diagnosed and remembering moments where I just wanted time to stand still. I wanted to see her smile and hold her forever. When you have a child diagnosed with cancer you become keenly aware that time doesn't stop and eventually you have to return to the hospital. Inevitably you return to a sterile environment of pokes, procedures, beeps, no rest and many tears. Normal happy moments are the best moments but they are fleeting. I can remember having to leave my family back in Atlanta and return to Memphis again. I remember panicking because I had no control and couldn't make time stop or slow down. Trying to soak in the good moments made me anxious and there just wasn't enough time-ever. It was torture trying to just "be still" and hang on to time. The clock kept ticking and ticking and ticking.
Now I almost want to rush time. I want to see Mary again and the clock seems to move slower and slower. But I also want to treasure every moment with Maddy and Whit. I see how fast they are growing and maturing and I want to savor every minute. It is a very confusing emotion and I am probably making you crazy just talking about it.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just get paralyzed and I can't move or do anything. I just watch the clock. I feel unproductive and alone. All around me people move, change and grow.
I think of our friends now home for a short time and having to return back to the hospital and back to hospital life. They may want to move fast through some parts of cancer treatment but they also want to enjoy the moments of happiness and peace right now. It is a very difficult time. I think about those who may be spending last holidays with loved ones and they want to hang onto every memory and moment knowing next year will not be the same. I think of families like ours who have lost a special child and they don't know if they want to freeze time or fly forward.
I don't have any good answers or solutions. I think staying present in the moment as much as possible is the answer to staying sane. Not looking too far backward or forward is the best antidote, but it is hard. Holidays are stressful and not happy for everyone. The best I can do for hurting families is pray for them and ask you to pray for us. Nothing really makes it better, but maybe knowing people care and they try to understand...I think that helps. So if your holidays are happy this year and your heart feels "full" treasure that emotion when you have it and hold onto it as long as you can.
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
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