Memories, love and friendship...

Memories, sometimes they flood back and there is no stopping them.
Today has been hard. One of those days I just wanted or needed to cry ALL DAY LONG. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's that cancer is attacking our family again or maybe there isn't a really good reason. I think missing Mary is reason enough though.
Late this afternoon I got a text from one of Mary's close friends. This friend was so so special to us but mostly he was special to Mary. His family is also special and they have been a big support to us before cancer and after. The text asked if he could have some pictures of he and Mary because he only had one. I don't know why he requested these and it doesn't matter. It means a lot to me that he wants them. I asked if he wanted pictures of them together and he said "Sure or of just her".  Later his mom told me he confessed to her that he thinks of Mary "all the time".  I was immediately flooded with memories of time the two of them spent together. Mary and J met because he is the older brother of Maddy's BFF. And at some point during the girl's friendship Mary and J met and became quick friends. They loved hanging out and playing Minecraft together and just being happy, sweet kids.  This boy has the kindest heart of any child I have ever known. He was always so sweet and polite and we love him to pieces. We loved him enough and trusted him enough to let him have spend the nights with Mary during her treatment. One memory I will never forget from which I have pictures and from which I sent him is of a "date day" the two of them spent together. If I had to ever say Mary had affection for a boy it would be J. When they were together I could see the love between them and I imagine if we let her date he would be her first love. It makes me sad to think this never got to really be though. I wanted Mary to experience everything she could in her short life that made her happy and spending time with J made her very happy. I was offered tickets to the Atlanta Zoo and while Mary was between chemo treatments we were able to go. She asked J to go and I was blessed to witness a beautiful friendship blossom. It was a good day. The day of the zoo adventure Mary met me at the bottom of the stairs dressed in a beautiful new sundress, cute earrings and some makeup. I had tears in my eyes and I knew this was going to be a special day. I asked Mary if she felt her outfit was appropriate and she pulled up her dress and showed me shorts underneath and said she was wearing tennis shoes also in case they decided to do any activities at the zoo. I died laughing, because of course Mary was prepared! Also her dress had a jungle print and she always loved dressing in a theme. She and J were all smiles and Mary had a ton of excited energy. He never once seemed to notice her bald head or NG tube coming out of her nose. He only saw her heart. I let them have at it and just be together. I watched from a distance and took pictures and just enjoyed seeing how happy they were all day. They constantly talked and laughed and had a blast. Towards the end of the day we got to a section of the zoo where there was a climbing wall. Mary and J wanted to try it. I was worried and skeptical but I knew Mary could do it. Right before her cancer diagnosis Mary made the top score on her PE physical. It was very involved with push ups, sit ups, pull ups and more. She was the strongest kid I have ever known and I am positive she was full of leukemia at the time now looking back on it. This day she was still strong but she had just been through strong chemo and a hospital stay. But climb they did and Mary made it to the top with J's help and encouragement. I felt there was no stopping her. I watched from the bottom trying my best not to panic. With J by her side it made the memory even more special. I tried to hide my tears of happiness and sadness all in one. He was always so sweet and kind and encouraging. It was a magical day and a memory I know Mary never forgot. Thank you J for loving Mary and for still holding her in your heart. She loved you too.

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. – Henry David Thoreau

Time...

Time standing still...
I have had times in my life when I just wanted time to stand still. I remember Christmas mornings I never wanted to end, dances where I could just stay out and dance forever, my wedding day, vacations that went by way too fast and time home with Mary. Time home with Mary was NEVER long enough. Of course there were also many times I wanted time to move faster like: studying for a test, when stuck in traffic, during medical procedures and when sick. But I am flooded now with memories of being home with Mary after she was diagnosed and remembering moments where I just wanted time to stand still. I wanted to see her smile and hold her forever. When you have a child diagnosed with cancer you become keenly aware that time doesn't stop and eventually you have to return to the hospital. Inevitably you return to a sterile environment of pokes, procedures, beeps, no rest and many tears. Normal happy moments are the best moments but they are fleeting. I can remember having to leave my family back in Atlanta and return to Memphis again. I remember panicking because I had no control and couldn't make time stop or slow down. Trying to soak in the good moments made me anxious and there just wasn't enough time-ever.  It was torture trying to just "be still" and hang on to time. The clock kept ticking and ticking and ticking.
Now I almost want to rush time. I want to see Mary again and the clock seems to move slower and slower. But I also want to treasure every moment with Maddy and Whit. I see how fast they are growing and maturing and I want to savor every minute. It is a very confusing emotion and I am probably making you crazy just talking about it.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just get paralyzed and I can't move or do anything. I just watch the clock. I feel unproductive and alone. All around me people move, change and grow.
I think of our friends now home for a short time and having to return back to the hospital and back to hospital life. They may want to move fast through some parts of cancer treatment but they also want to enjoy the moments of happiness and peace right now. It is a very difficult time. I think about those who may be spending last holidays with loved ones and they want to hang onto every memory and moment knowing next year will not be the same. I think of families like ours who have lost a special child and they don't know if they want to freeze time or fly forward.
I don't have any good answers or solutions.  I think staying present in the moment as much as possible is the answer to staying sane. Not looking too far backward or forward is the best antidote, but it is hard. Holidays are stressful and not happy for everyone. The best I can do for hurting families is pray for them and ask you to pray for us. Nothing really makes it better, but maybe knowing people care and they try to understand...I think that helps. So if your holidays are happy this year and your heart feels "full" treasure that emotion when you have it and hold onto it as long as you can.

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Not as magical...

Not as magical-
So for Thanksgiving we decided to head to a beach and spend a few days away from home and hopefully away from daily stress and anxiety. We visited Disney World for the day along with a million other people .We haven't been in several years and not since Mary passed. It was crowded and crazy and great fun for Whit and Maddy. But the whole day at Disney I just relived flashbacks and memories of being there with Mary.  I only wished she could be with us. Even though Disney promotes the saying "Where wishes come true", they didn't. Mary who loved life and Disney and anything fun life had to offer should be vacationing with us. My wish didn't come true. Real life doesn't involve magical fairy dust or happy endings always. JW (5yrs) got through the gates and proclaimed, "This is so fake." And in many ways he was right about that. The magic is gone, my smile and laughter is sometimes fake. Oh how I wish I could be oblivious and happy and life could seem magical again. Last time we were at Disney Mary rode every ride she could. She didn't much care about the princesses but instead wanted to meet Mary Poppins. She loved the movie and asked the Mary Poppins character, "Where are Michael and Jane Banks?" (The children in the movie) That is just "so Mary". She was so unique and wonderful at the same time. Funny and sweet without effort. Instead of a princess costume she picked out the most adorable vintage and much less flashy and sparkly "Alice in Wonderland" dress. That was also "so Mary." Mary was quirky and different from the crowd but also amazingly wonderful and refreshing. She was never flashy or loud (well sometimes) but still a leader and important in the lives of the people she knew. On this trip we all had fun and made new memories but we will always have a missing hole in our family. Taking a group/family picture is difficult without Mary.
Later in the week we went to Universal and I was secretly hoping it would be less sad and more distracting for me since this was a new experience and somewhere we had not been before. But Harry Potter world made me miss Mary even more. Mary would have spent the whole day at Harry Potter and she would have dressed and lived the part. It was right up her alley. She loved the movies and one year dressed as Hermione for Halloween. Whit equally enjoyed it I think and often mentioned how much Mary would have loved to be there also. Obviously she wasn't far from anyone's mind and heart. Whit got an owl and named it "Baba", the name he always called Mary. It broke my heart but made me happy all at the same time.
Maybe some of my magic is gone. Life and reality has stolen that from me, but I always have hope and enjoy seeing the magic still in Whit and Maddy's eyes. For Christmas the kids want to be at home. They missed the traditional turkey meal with cousins and grandparents. As much as I would like to escape reality for a few days I want them to be content and happy if I am able to make that happen. They deserve happy memories and to have some magic in their life. So I will cry silent tears hanging every ornament and decoration and opening every present. But I will do it because it makes the ones around me happy and I know Mary is smiling also.

"That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up." -Walt Disney

Family Pictures

Family pictures:

I love family pictures. I treasure every single one of our family pictures. They are all beyond precious to me. My kids have also learned to love family pictures. Traditionally we took fall ones and spring ones. They always had a sort of theme: everyone in white, country, Lilly Pulitzer, etc. We even once had a cat in our family pictures.  Steve worried it would make the "Awkward Family Picture" website. It might still 😂. It is quite humorous, but we LOVE our cat and why not!?!People do it with their dogs all the time 😳

Now family pictures are painful. A huge piece of our family is forever missing and taking a picture is just another sad reminder. A picture in a frame now replaces Mary symbolically. I now believe I never got enough pictures or videos. There will never be enough memorials of Mary-ever. I think I never thought she would be gone from this world before me. That is just wrong and backwards. A child should never leave this world before a parent. How can this be? It doesn't make logical sense. And I don't want to see pictures of her bald and sick; I want pictures of her happy and healthy just how she should be. But the thing is-we are still a family and Maddy and Whit love family pictures. So I struggle and still take them and lots of them. Time moves so fast and the kids change in the blink of an eye. One day Maddy and Whit will be older than Mary. Mary who is forever 12 and never a teen. I can't send out Christmas cards anymore, not yet. It seems so wrong. I can't be 100% thankful and blessed and grateful with Mary missing. I use to love sending out the family Christmas card, but no longer. I also dread seeing others and getting their beautiful cards. This was something I use to love. It is only a reminder of all we have lost as a family. But I will keep a smile on my face and take family pictures because although broken we are still a family. A family full of love and hope and with a future. But we will forever be missing one. I encourage families to document moments and take pictures and suffer though them. You never know what the next year will hold. You might have someone missing, (I hope not) the people and children grow and change and time doesn't stand still. A picture will at least capture that one precious moment forever.

Be Thankful

     This holiday season be thankful. Be very thankful if you are able to be at home with your family and also be in good health. It is everything. I can promise that you have no guarantee that the next holiday will be the same. Life can change in the blink of

an eye, I know.  I encourage you to treasure every moment and just Be Thankful. Being together as a family is everything regardless of the difference of opinions or personalities or past qualms. If you can't seem to find happiness or thankfulness this holiday put your life in perspective for a moment. 1000's of families will have a missing seat at their Thanksgiving table and the holidays will never feel happy or complete or okay. Ever. Many are painfully missing their children and having to look around at the healthy cousins and siblings living their fulfilled lives. This can cause extreme pain and emptiness. They secretly think of what would have and should have been.  100's will be in the hospital and instead of smelling a home cooked Thanksgiving meal they instead smell Lysol and have to listen to the constant, annoying beeps of machines pumping fluids and medicines. Medicines which are keeping their child alive. They instead should be home safe and happy not living in a sterile hospital. These families, if they are lucky, may make it to the cafeteria for a few minutes and steal a bite of dry turkey.  All the while they are looking around at the other broken up and sad families spending another lonely holiday in the hospital. They will look at Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat and see their other seemingly happy friends and family who get to be together oblivious to their pain. Many have spent years and years in the hospital over the holidays dreaming of a day when life will be good and "normal". Knowing that "normal" may never come to be.

     For me the ensuing holidays bring so much anxiety and sadness that at times it is almost unbearable. We will handle Thanksgiving this year by spending time at the beach and Disney. Hopefully bringing some nice distraction and happiness and new memories. But we will also concentrate on helping those less fortunate because this is a good distraction. This is truth: no matter how bad you think you have it there is always, always someone worse off than you are. If you are blessed and have your family together maybe try spending some time concentrating on helping others. You can never take away anyone's pain but you can always lessen their burden. Give to foster care, adopt a less fortune family, pay someone's electric bill, invite a lonely friend over for dinner, cook dinner at a homeless shelter, volunteer at a nursing home, etc. There are countless ways to give back.  Everyone can do a small something that might bring a smile to someone who otherwise would spend the holidays lonely and depressed. 

     On that note, if you want to do something and don't know what exactly, you can always help us with our Christmas family.  This is a family of a young single mom who struggles daily to give her son a good life. And she does it mostly alone.  She is unable to work a steady job because of her son's needing constant medical care. She battles her fears and worry daily as his almost 9 yr old body fights the effects of many years of cancer treatment and two transplants. But she fights on and remains positive and hopes for a happy future for the both of them. Making their life a little easier is what helps me keep things in perspective. I am not some amazing giving person.  I selfishly need the distraction and perspective and we couldn't make it awesome without help from our friends who also care. And this is all in honor of sweet Mary who always thought of others first. #livelikeMary

Happy Thanksgiving 🍽🍁🦃

United for a CURE

Thankful and Grateful...

Thankful and grateful...

Some days it is hard to be thankful. I want to wallow in my misery and hate life. A life that isn't what I wanted and a life I some days want to escape. The truth is I have a lot to be grateful for. No matter where we are or our situation in life there is always, always something to be grateful for. It didn't take me losing Mary to be grateful. I was thankful everyday for my life. It was good...really good. It is different now but there are many good things still. Sometimes I have to focus harder on them through the tears. Whit and Maddy are my two biggest blessings, they are my pride and joy. I am thankful to have them, if I didn't I seriously wouldn't get out of bed everyday. I have a supportive husband who has stood by us all during the worst. My family, friends and support of others rank high up there also. Material blessings don't count. Truthfully they don't matter. Love, peace and happiness are what matter.  I think you have to be careful not to get sucked in to the fake pictures (Facebook) of people showing off their "blessings". People always show their best face to the public, that is only natural. You can't let this make you jealous or feel inferior. Everyone has their demons. Everyone. I know I fight mine daily, but to stay out of the bleak I focus the best I can on my blessings-or at least try. My list of "good things" is still really long and I won't write them down for you. But maybe if you are feeling down and unblessed make a list of those blessings. It helps.

I will never say cancer is a blessing. It is not, it is a nightmare. But some blessings have come from even cancer.  We as a family have raised awareness and money. That is huge. And hopefully our story has helped others to appreciate their blessings, to hold them a little tighter and be thankful for them a little more. 

CURE is asking for people to send in pictures with a "hand turkey", fill the picture in with things you are thankful for and post it with the hashtag #CUREthankful. I think this is a great idea. We will do that and focus on the "thankful" this year.

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united