WARNING⚠️

Warning, do not read if you don't want to be sad! ⚠️

I feel the anxiety setting in and the dark cloud of depression seeping in closer and closer.  The problem is I don't know how to stop it. I was really hoping it would stay away this time. I was feeling so much better and so strong and now I feel myself weakening with the holidays coming closer and closer. I am not the only one, other moms of angels are feeling the same pain that I do but that doesn't make this any easier to endure. It actually makes me more sad to know my friends feel this same pain. It hurts to talk to them about it because I feel I add to their burdens. I am a fixer and a helper, I don't like to depend on others to help me. Much less make anyone else feel deeper pain. Plus I hate to complain and whine when I have so many blessings. It seems selfish. But a good pity party is what we all need at times, I think. 

I dread putting on the fake smile and happy face and trying to enjoy holidays that once were full of happy memories and happy times. Pulling out the pumpkin pictures of Mary as a baby up until the year she got sick makes my heart hurt. Memories flood my mind of her awesome costumes and wigs and the amazing costume we ordered that she never got to wear. (It was a steampunk by the way) Whit and Maddy deserve the same fun memories so I have to suck it up and make new memories without Mary for them. I wish I had answers and I wish I new how to fix this. I don't. Going away for Mary's birthday helped but I don't think we can do that for every holiday. At some point I will just have to face my sadness and fear head on.

I have found that depression is real and it is serious. It is new for me and a beast I have to fight daily. Some days are worse than others. When I catch myself crawling back into bed and paralyzed during the day I know I am getting into trouble. I have to tell myself to physically function and again that no one but me will be able to pull me out of this hole. But when you are in it the hole seems really deep. I think it seems deep because looking ahead to Christmas and truly dreading those holidays seems like a long time to feel this way. Just like preparing to climb a mountain. The journey seems tiring and difficult and you might just not want to do it. Maybe though once you get going it won't be so bad.  And maybe there will be good moments along the way and a reward at the peak. 

What do I need? I think I need air. I need to get outside. I need exercise. I need to communicate and not shut myself off. I need to plan something to look forward to as a reward for reaching the peak. This always helps. I need to keep my mind busy. I need to stay productive. 

What can my friends do? Just listen and be supportive. Make me get out. Check on me. I'm really not sure what else. This is all just really really hard. I get why holidays can open up wounds and be so painful or so many. I hope and pray one day it is not like this and that I can be happy again. Also too many of our friends are sick or suffering or dying and some days it is just TOO MUCH for any normal human to handle. JUST WAY TOO MUCH. I'll be okay, I know this. I'm still here and I always find my way out.

Sadness is an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. An example of severe sadness is depression. Crying is often an indication of sadness.^[1]

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The kids...

How are the kids?

That is a good question. Most days I think Whit and Maddy are handling the passing of Mary amazingly. I would never in a million years have guessed that they would have adjusted back to normal routine and life as well as they have. They seem happy most days and very social. They are doing well in school and I really couldn't be more proud of them. All of this in-spite of the fact that they were without their mom and dad for the better part of a year, really longer. They had grandparents raising them and they did a fabulous job. But grandparents don't replace parents. And then when their parents did come home they were grieving and barely surviving themselves. We did consider family grief counseling and that may still be needed in the future.  I think it is a great idea by the way, but since the kids seem to be doing so well we decided to put it off -for now. No doubt the adjustment has been made easier because of the wonderful support of our family, friends and community who are always so open and gracious with our family and our needs.  But then there are nights like last night that throw me back some and I wonder if the kids are as well adjusted as I think they are. Or maybe this IS all normal? But what IS normal? How are you suppose to process grieving a sibling as a 9 and an 11 year old child? I try to not pretend what happened didn't happen. I encourage the kids to talk to me if they are scared or frightened or have questions as this is what I have been advised to do. I have heard that many families ignore the death of a child and go on with life as if the child never existed or the tragedy didn't happen. I can't imagine doing this, although trying to live without them does cause extreme heartache and pain. Being open and talking when you don't feel like it can be hard and painful sometimes though. And I have also been told it is ok for them to see me grieve. But I do hate to appear weak in front of my children. As a mom I believe I should appear strong and steady as their caretaker. I believe it pains my children to see me sad or cry just as it pains me to see my own parents sad or cry.  

Well, last night around bedtime a discussion came up and it was a hard one. One I wasn't at all expecting. I have to admit I wasn't prepared and I just did the best I could. And the best I could sometimes was by answering, "I have those same questions and I just don't know the answer either." I just pray the answer I gave will be good enough. I realize the kids hurt just like me. They hide their true feelings just like me. They miss Mary just like me. They feel sad and angry sometimes just like me. And they question God sometimes just like me. 

The hard questions asked were these:

"When did you first know Mary was going to die?"

"What was it like when she died?"

"How did they get her body home from Memphis?"

"What did you do when she died?" 

"What did the Drs. say to you when they knew she was going to die?"

"Did she know she was going to die?"

"Am I going to to get cancer one day and die?"

"Why did Mary not ever want us to cry?"

Obviously they have thought a lot about her death and this is a subject I definitely don't like to think about much less discuss out loud. It brought up a lot of painful memories but I answered each question as honest and the best way I could. 

Statements I heard:

When I last saw Mary she was mad at me and I worry she is still mad at me because I never got to say "Good bye".

"I am scared to dream about her."

"I wish she was still here even if she was sick and even if she was still in Memphis".

"Why did people lie and tell us there was a chance for a cure!?!"

"Why was there not a real cure!"

"I will never have a sister again and that isn't fair"

"Cancer picked the wrong person. Mary was good and didn't deserve it."

"When people ask me how many siblings I have I don't know how to answer that question. It confuses me and I don't want to make others sad."

"No one understands how it feels to lose a sister."

"People at school don't understand how I am feeling on the inside. And they want to always talk about Mary."

All of this is a lot to handle not to mention I know of two kids just this week in our community who have since lost their cancer battle. One family I just met last week at the Hopewell sliming. While there we met another beautiful family who had a handsome son who is a cancer survivor, but this same family also just recently lost their dad to AML. We also have two close friends battling right now in Seattle. When will it end? Some days I just want to not think about cancer as it surrounds me and almost suffocates my existence. I can't escape it. My dad has tests coming up for secondary bladder cancer after already fighting colon cancer.  It literally haunts my life. But I will battle on and regain my strength tomorrow because I promised myself I would and most importantly I promised Mary. I told her when we got out of the hospital I would fight and not stop until we found a cure. So that is what I will do...one bow at a time, one fundraiser at a time, one letter to law makers at a time, one coin at a time until change is made and cancer is cured.

Losing control...

Losing control...

I have had to come to grips lately with how out of control this life of mine really is. I guess it always was but I never really realized it before.  Having control is a facade really.  I think this is probably something we all have to come to accept at some point in our lives and this was a hard pill for me to swallow. I always felt I had some sort of control over my life and my emotions and the path of my fate. Until I didn't, and when I realized this it threw me into a tail spin. Before life got out of control I was able to control my academic successes (for the most part), I was pretty successful at anything I ever tried to accomplish, most anything I tried out for I got and I really didn't fail too often as long as I put forth enough effort. If I had a goal in mind I could 99.9 % of the time reach it if I put my mind to it and worked hard enough. Maybe it isn't this way for everyone, but I bet if you are born healthy and with adequate intelligence and into a decent home you probably have about the same odds of success. I am not anything special. Most people work hard and focus on those things they find important and want to obtain.  They find ways to accomplish their goals if they are important enough to them no matter how difficult the challenge. The biggest hurdle I faced before cancer was infertility. But like any other challenge I just focused, made a plan of attack and found a way to beat that also. It wasn't easy but I overrode what doctors told me, did my own research, used my own resources. And
guess what!?!I finally carried a baby successfully. And I even ended up with 3 beautiful children after many miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak.  I never gave in no matter what I was told or the cost  although many probably would have given up.  I like a challenge and if it isn't impossible then I say "Bring it on."  I also don't like to be told I can't do something. There is no better feeling than proving doubters wrong. There really wasn't much I felt I couldn't overcome in life. I always kept a positive outlook but I had also never faced anything too challenging, defeating or heartbreaking-really, well nothing like what was looming on the horizon. Sometimes/many times I think people create many, if not most of their life problems by the choices they make.  And I have very little sympathy for these people or there self created life problems. Also many of these problems could be fixed if
they wanted to. Money issues, marital problems, friend and family
issues are usually created.  But when life unexpectedly threw me childhood cancer it wasn't an easily fixable problem or a challenge I could overcome. It was a real messed up problem with many barriers and closed doors. It was painful and frustrating and just plain sickening to face. I couldn't save my daughter from AML.  In fact no one had really cared about childhood AML EVER or worked very hard at all to cure it. It was a very sad and defeating situation. This wasn't a self created or a fixable problem. Having to accept the loss of Mary and not having control over this threw me into a new world where I now have bouts of real severe depression, anxiety and stress.
Something I didn't have before. I have experienced extreme new fears
and anger. Emotions I didn't feel too often before. This is mainly
brought on because of my loss of control. I have had to learn to cope
and survive realizing I will now never know what will happen in my life or if I can fix the new problems that may arise. I have experienced panic attacks and now have PTSD. Something very real and medication can only help somewhat.  Sleep is a small escape, and at some point you still have to wake up to face it all again. Some people may turn to drugs or alcohol but this is only a short term escape and the reality is still there staring at you when the fix wears off. I can't run away and I can't hide. I have children to care for and adult responsibilities. What else do I do? Some days a mental hospital nsounds like a nice vacation.  "How do you handle life after childhood cancer?" is a great question and something I am still working through on a daily basis. I try to not have any regrets in this life. But when I think about this I start to panic and don't want to make more life mistakes and miss out on anything important.  My seemingly irrational behavior can freak those out around me also. You can become manic when you don't want to lose anything else in your life and feel you don't have control over what is happening around you. It can be a crazy cycle of ups and downs. You realize the only thing you can control is yourself. I can only imagine what this is like for the dads and fathers who carry the increased burden of being the protectors and fixers in a family.  They are the ones who are expected to always make everything better. To scare the monsters away, bandage the skinned knees and fix the broken toys.   They have to watch their wives and children suffer unable to take away their pain. They want to fix it all but realize they can't...they just can't. The may be the protectors of the family but sometimes cancer is a bigger beast and they can't protect their family from the damage of cancer and the effects it leaves behind. Humans can only handle so much, and they are not meant to take on burdens alone. That is why families were created. This is why we have teams and work in groups. People just function better that way, together. We are not meant to be alone in this world and face our problems alone.  We have to realize we are never truly alone. There is
always someone who understands us and who has been in our same shoes. There is always someone who loves us and wants to be there for us. 

I am not an expert but I have found these things to help me cope-I think the answers to finding peace are some of these things...or a combination of these things...

1. Live in the present. Try not to focus too much on the past. If you live in memories of the past or stay there too long you will get sad, lonely and depressed. Memories are good and necessary. Just don't stay there. Thinking too long or too hard or planning too much for the future will only cause anxiety. Yes, some planning is necessary but don't stay there focused too long.  Plan only what is needed and as far ahead as needed and leave it. Stay in the present. Live for today. Enjoy
 each moment, especially each happy moment that gives you a smile
and makes you or someone else happy. Take pictures and write down
the memories. You will forget

2. Focus on helping others. If you take the focus off yourself this helps a lot. We get so self absorbed in our own lives we forget others need us and our talents and skills. Giving back and doing good also does our heart good and helps us to heal. 

3. Surround yourself with positive people. Be around supportive loving family and friends. Negativity breeds negativity. It is true, you
are who you hang around. 

4. Travel-The world is big and if you stay shut up in your small room/house/world you will suffocate. You need to get out and see how tiny you really are in this big world to see the reality of your situation. It helps to put things in perspective.

5. If something makes you happy do it as long as it isn't harmful to you or anyone else. Travel, paint, read, go back to school, whatever it is...just do it. Seriously. YOLO

6. Face your fears. Acknowledge them, accept them. Don't deny them. They are there, they exist. If you are in denial about them then they will sneak up when you least expect it. If you are at least aware of them then you can prepare to avoid situations that can set you back or make you feel sad or awkward. Just don't go there. 

7. Life is short. Understand that. Accept it. Find what makes you happy and grab it. It is true that you never know what tomorrow will bring and nothing is guaranteed. If you have your health you have everything. 

8. Find a purpose and realize it. I realized that Mary has passed on to the next world but I am still here with work to do, so I better get on with it. 

9. It is ok to have bad days, weeks or months. You can always start over. The people that love you and are your true friends will forgive
you and understand. You can always start anew. Everyone makes mistakes and has to regroup sometimes. That is life. We are constantly growing, changing and evolving-hopefully for the better. Those who stand by you no matter what are the ones to keep around and trust. Also be that person for someone else.
As often as my life seems out of control and unbalanced there are still those perfect moments where things seem to fall into harmony and everything  seems right with the world.  Like: Cuddling my children under the blankets on the couch and watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. Hot coffee on the deck while watching the beautiful pink sunrise over the peaceful turquoise ocean. Feeling the warm sun on my face while I close my eyes listening to the rustling leaves while laying in the hammock on a cool spring day. Moments like these don't last forever but then again neither do the hard times. We just have to savor the good moments and stand strong through the rough current and face the tough times head on. Life is like that with many ups and downs. We just have to hope for more ups than downs and try to focus on the positives. There is always a positive. Focusing on the negative will destroy you. Find support and don't close yourself off. Always try to find the help you might not want but need and look for the life saver. Sometimes you have to reach for it though,  actually always. I had to make the hard realization that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and let go and let people in. Help is always there but you have to look for it, maybe ask for it and also want it. I share my heart because too many people I know are hurting like me. I hope this is helpful for someone else. Everyday is a struggle and a challenge but I get through sometimes just one breath at a time. 

http://forinspiredlives.blogspot.com/2011/03/overcoming-tragedy-3-inspiring-stories.html?m=1

Faith and how do I reconcile a God who is different than I always believed...

Faith and how do I reconcile a God who is different than I always believed...

Mary not surviving this  cancer changed my entire life in many ways. I am not quite sure if this has been in a good way or a bad way yet, but I hope at the end of my journey everything will come together and make total sense. I hope to make some sort of purpose out of this life and it all will be for the greater good. I have struggled intensely with God and my faith and the why's of all of this more than anything ever in my life, and I believe more than any other challenge I will ever face again. I have been sad, depressed and angry over how this life of mine has turned out. It is definitely not how I had things pictured or planned. The God I thought I knew is vastly different from the God I now see. I have been tested and changed and this life has not gone as I expected. Does anything ever go as we plan? Maybe it does for some. Not for me apparently.  I have wondered if I am being punished or blessed or cursed or living a nightmarish dream of some sort.  I obviously have a lot more to figure out but I think where I am right now might be a good place to begin my share. I feel many others probably join in my same struggle. Maybe sharing where I am with my struggle will be helpful for someone else and help change someone's perspective for the better. 

Before Mary's cancer life was good. I was blessed and very content with my life.  Everything was fairly easy.  I felt I was a "good" Christian and I was leading a life pleasing to God. We tithed, went to church regularly, were basically good people, raised our kids well and I thanked God every day and night for our many blessings which I believed were given by Him. I believed I had been given many challenges in my life and had overcome them all. Ha, this is humorous now looking back, but none the less there were some challenges and at the time they seemed pretty significant. To others I believe they would also seem significant, especially if you had not faced childhood cancer or the loss of a child. I had lost friends in accidents and to sickness, lost loved ones, had many miscarriages, sick children, family members with cancer, endured heartbreak, struggled with everyday stresses, blah blah blah...But then the "big daddy" hit, a real trial, the real deal kind of stuff - CHILDHOOD CANCER HELL. You can't imagine or know what it is like unless "you know".  And I don't wish anyone to have to know. There are no sufficient words to express this particular kind of HELL. I prayed through it diligently, I had faith and I truly trusted God to get us all through this challenge in one piece. And I even planned to get through this challenge stronger than ever. I mean I had faced significant challenges before and believed we were a strong family and God was good. Right? His Word promises healing and answered prayers to those that believe. And I was faithful and basically a good person and a true believer. Other people were giving me hope and were having visions and I just knew God was going to heal Mary. I was so sure I was screaming it from the roof tops. When He didn't though I wasn't sure how I could reconcile this fact and face the world admitting God let me and all of us down. He broke my heart into a million pieces. He literally failed me.  I couldn't figure out what I did wrong.  I played Christian music constantly in Mary's ears, I poured holy water on Mary's body, I had had a healer place hands on her, people prayed over her, I put special blessed mud on her, I read her healing prayers, had people praying and lighting candles all over the world, I believed, I had faith, but nothing worked...crickets...God didn't show up. I thought He was listening. I thought so many times I had seen His miracles and so did the doctors. Many many times I believed He had touched her.  Were these coincidences and not miracles? This has been a huge hurdle in my faith journey and hard for me to understand. Maybe I never will. 

So this is where I am today. My faith is broken but it is not destroyed, fractured but not unrepairable. I don't believe I am an idiot. I am a fairly intelligent person and I believe a God does exist.  Any intelligent human only has to open their eyes and look around and can see the complexity of life and the beauty of the earth around them to know this has to be true. This in itself is proof enough to me of a higher being. There have been miracles and times of God touching my life and answering my prayers and I know this in my heart to be true. He didn't do this to Mary. He didn't give Mary cancer. I also know this also to be true. The God I am just now beginning to know and understand is a different God I was told about my whole life. But this is the real God. The God I was maybe in denial of and didn't want to know before now. I believe He is there and loves us and with us even when we feel alone. But this world is not paradise. This world is ruled by man and freewill and evil. We worship idols and want to twist the words of bible to make it say and believe as we wish. We sugar coat the truth and listen to the lies of man. God never promised easy. Yes, He can intervene and I believe He did many times and still is and does during this journey of mine. I believe He is in ultimate control but He is waiting for His time. It is not yet His time. He has Mary with Him in a better place and her story lives on here on earth. He gave me a selfish 10 extra months with her I didn't deserve. He saved her many times because we were not ready to let her go. He continues to help us share her story and make change in the childhood cancer world and I believe He will continue to help us do great things on this side while on this journey. I hope and believe I can come out of this feeling blessed in the end. That in itself will be a miracle. My relationship

with God did change and I can't continue my existence in ignorant bliss but instead must open my eyes to truth and make a real difference somehow in this broken world. I don't have patience anymore for a ignorant  people with short sighted problems. I don't care about your high taxes or your child's mean teacher or your petty selfish first world problems. I do care about the unloved, the abused, the sick, the hungry, and the children. I care about childhood cancer. I get irritated when I see millions and billions being spent ridiculously by churches on new buildings when that money could feed the hungry or cure childhood cancer. Or excessive wealth and gluttony and selfishness when children are dying.  I don't care who you will vote on for president. Every 4 years it is the same crap.  They both suck and life goes on regardless of who wins, the world doesn't end. I do care about love and forgiveness. I try not to judge others on how they look or talk or where they come from. I judge them on their heart. Jesus hung out with the beggars and the prostitutes and the ill.  He said the children mattered and to let them come to Him. The Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the children.  I believe he wants us to open our eyes and get out of our comfy bubble and reach out our hands to help others. Before Mary got sick I have to be honest, I didn't have a clue about childhood cancer. Partly because it hadn't hit home for me but mostly because I closed my eyes to it. It was uncomfortable and would maybe mess up my perfect world to let something that messy in.  When it did creep into my world I begged God to heal Mary. I told Him if HE did heal her I would promise to use Mary's story and be the biggest witness He had ever seen. I meant it and believed I wouldn't stop until we found a cure for cancer. I begged and said I would never stop praising Him. Mary died, but I am still not going to stop believing. I now believe if God had saved her here on earth people would not fully see the devastation of this disease. We might in reality have been so grateful to have Mary healed that we would want her to forget about cancer and we would want to try to forget it too. God

knew this also. Obviously Mary dying isn't what I thought was best for everyone, but I don't live my life for me. I am not in control as much as I would like to believe that I am. I am struggling and trying to thank God for this painful life regardless and begging Him for the strength to fight on and forgive. Mainly to forgive myself.  I have to keep my faith and have hope in a future where things will be different and where God wins and where HE will be in total control one day. I am attaching this article I found that has helped me a lot to be more patient and hang in there when I feel alone. I hope it is helpful to someone else as well. 

It is about waiting and about God's timing. It made a lot of sense to me. If you don't read it all here is an exert from the end-

"Waiting during the difficult times developed their relationship with God. 

Some of the most intimate relationships we have in our lives are because a friend stood in the trenches with us during the heat of the battle. Maybe this is what the scripture means when it says we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

I've always believed God is just as interested in the journey as he is the destination. If not, all the biblical accounts would only include the feel good parts and not the good, the bad and the ugly of the times of waiting. We may not always understand why we have to wait, but the good news is that God never asks us to wait without Him. "

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-reasons-god-makes-us-wait#3IMmMbAcPDQBqxk8.99

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-reasons-god-makes-us-wait

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-reasons-god-makes-us-wait

A year gone and the grief is always there it's just a little more numb...

How does it feel to grieve after the first year? It is there, it just seems a little more numb.  Today is an extra hard day for me for some reason. Some days are just that way.  Maybe it's because my high school reunion is coming up this weekend and the "BIG PERRY FAIR", as we like to call it, is in town and I am just anxious. At my last reunion five years ago things were a lot different. I was then so excited to show off my family, my three healthy beautiful children and to see all of my HS friends. This year I am still excited to see friends and catch up but I dread going home without Mary (going to Perry without Mary is always painful as it brings back a lot of memories since Perry is a place she loved to visit).  And trying to pump myself up to hear the "I'm sorry'" and "I can't imagine" and "You are so strong" comments makes me twitch. So if you want to just give me a hug and avoid all of that I am good with it 😉👌🏾I am probably one of those few, weird people who loved my hometown, loved high school, loved all the people and never wanted to leave.  But now going back to all this unwanted attention brings on a ton of anxiety. Thankfully everyone has been amazing and gracious and we are keeping things pretty low key this year. I know it will be good for my soul but it is still hard and another step forward for me in this journey I never wanted to take. I will be putting on a brave face and a fake smile knowing everyone can see right through it. How could they not? It just all seems so strange and silly and sometimes I want to just laugh about it. We should all just be honest and say "This sucks and is awkward, let's have a drink." 

Facing grief in the first days and months after Mary passed I would ball up and lie in bed and just cry for hours, but the denial was also there big time. I would stuff reality away so I could get the things done I needed to do and just face the day.  People were gracious with letting me grieve and be a mess when I needed to. If I melted down in public it was acceptable. We received cards, flowers and meals and people showed us sympathy. But I had to function and look brave for Whit and Maddy.  It was really hard to function sometimes and sometimes being normal seemed impossible. In the following months after Mary's passing came Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and then the New Year. I faked smiles and cried opening presents all the while missing Mary witnessing the huge hole in our family. It just didn't seem right having fun without her here and us pretending to be happy.  In reality I wanted to burn down the Christmas tree and throw the presents out the window. I was only dreading the upcoming holidays and how empty they would be without Mary's laughter, smiles and fun adventurous spirit always around.  Having kids and family visiting and running through the house helped to keep me and everyone distracted but I could barely put out any decorations or shop. It just seemed wrong to celebrate in any way when I was so sad and lonely and empty on the inside. Winter is a usually depressing time for me. I always hated this time of the year and so did Mary. We disliked the cold and always looked forward to spring. The only time we enjoyed the winter was if it snowed, which it rarely does in GA. So after Mary passed I spent the winter hiding in bed moping and dreading February 5th-Mary's upcoming birthday.  Her birthday usually signaled the beginning of Valentine season. Lots of red hearts, decorating and the end of winter! This year she should have been turning 13 and becoming a beautiful teenager. She should be growing up just developing into being more beautiful and graceful and loving life.  She should not be gone from us. These thoughts only made me mad and really depressed. I didn't see signs of her spirit hovering. I didn't sense her presence. I didn't have dreams of her. Butterflies, birds chirping and feathers did not feel like her. I only felt alone and felt lots of deep loneliness. As spring approached I tried to perk up and reach out to friends. I went out more and tried to fundraise to kept my mind busy. I focused on the Carnival For A CURE and worked hard on this endeavor. This helped discuise my pain and focus on things Mary would want and wish for. I got out of bed more often and planted flowers and finally erected the cross in our back yard. I spent hours swinging looking at the cross, reading, escaping in my head and listening to music. Summer arrived and we visited the beach a lot (my happy place) and the pool and I enjoyed the neighborhood for the first time since we moved in. I functioned semi-normal knowing in July my birthday was approaching and I wouldn't want to celebrate. Why did I get another birthday and Mary didn't? Why do I get to live and have my dreams and wishes come true and Mary doesn't? It all seemed really unfair and I pretty much self destructed. It was a bad scene, I have to admit. I realized that I was going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole in my grief and pushing those who loved me the most further and further away. And sadly some of them I was pushing away were actually leaving. Those who really loved me were still there, but it is a sad scene when you look up from that dark place and you are all alone. Looking ugly, pitiful and thinking how pathetic you must seem.I felt embarrassed and not proud for Mary to see me this way. I realized it was time for me to try and climb out of this hole and shake the dirt off. I also realized no one could save me but myself. I am still climbing out and slipping back in from time to time. Grief is a dark place and a grieving person is no fun to be around. I have put up walls and pushed and hurt people but some have stayed and loved me through it. Thank God. And I really do thank God. My faith has been tested beyond belief and still is Every. Single. Day. No doubt. I am only human. But I can look back and see times where in my darkness He has carried me and saved me and never left me in my darkest and worst moments. I am still here, dirty and getting pieced back together very slowly in all my ugly imperfection. And  I am not alone. All of these feelings are common, sadly. I don't like being sad, it is not like me. I want to be happy. Some think grief has changed me, but I would beg to differ. I think it has awakened me. I have realized life it short. Yes-we all know this, but I now KNOW this. I always spent my life making those around me happy and in turn it made me happy. But now I am trying to realize some of my own dreams. It is hard for me to be or seem selfish, but I don't want to live with regret and I want the most out of this life also. I think Mary wants to see me happy. Since this realization I actually feel Mary closer and dream of her more often.  I actually feel stronger mentally than I have in a long time. After September 2nd, the one year anniversary of her passing, I almost felt renewed like it was time for me to stand taller and refresh my life. I have a ton to work on and I know this grief process is forever changing and a life long process. And I don't think it will get easier.  If I think about all of  that I get panicky. So I try not to think about it too hard. I am just trying to live in the present. There are some days I still cry and go back to bed. And some days I hide in that deep dark hole. But I do feel stronger and more productive so I think that is good. I want Mary to be proud of me no matter what. I think she is. I don't doubt that very often. She loves and forgives because she is Mary and I know she wants me to just be ME and be happy. She loves me in all my dirt and imperfections. I just have to learn to also love myself. I was told by someone to not feel bad if some time goes by that I don't think of her.  It is ok because I am not ready to think of her too long without feeling sad. That made a lot of sense to me. That is where the denial and the staying busy and the moving on comes into play. It is how the mind and body and spirit copes and lives on with a part of us missing. But one day I know I will be able to think of her and smile and not cry. I think that day is still a long way away. I just miss her too much still to not be sad. My advice for those who have sick children or dying loved ones is this:

I don't want you to get so caught up in the anger and sadness of possibly losing the one you love that you forget to relish the moments of them living. They are here now, alive and there are happy, wonderful moments happening. Treasure them, all of them. Once they are gone they are forever gone and nothing can bring them back. I think I already knew this and why I could never leave Mary's side during her whole treatment even though it was mentally and physically exhausting. Maybe that isn't the right thing for everyone or the healthiest thing.  I just didn't want to miss one single moment with her. I felt the same way after she was born and why she and I hardly slept the first year of her life. Life is fleeting and I wish I could just bottle it up. Time is precious. I can't explain how it feels to not feel Mary or smell her or hold her physically anymore. Even at her most ill I could still do that and feel her warmth. I would never want her here selfishly to suffer or be in pain but I miss her so deeply that my heart physically hurts. I literally can't think about it too hard or I can't function. Just don't take anyone or any time with loved ones for granted. In a way maybe it is a blessing when you get the chance to say "goodbye",  I don't know. But I can only now look forward to the day we when see each other again. For those new to the grieving process give yourself grace and time. It gets better, I won't say easier. You learn to live side by side with it. But there is hope for everyone. I can look at those 10 years ahead of me and see hope. And I hope those a year behind me can look ahead to me and see the same. ❤️

Overwhelmed...

Overwhelmed, honored, humbled and blessed doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about the amount of money raised this past September in Mary's honor with the CURE campaign. She was the #1 leader in the giving campaign-$27,486!!!I have to be honest and say I really never thought we would raise as much as last year. Last year we lost Mary on September 2nd and people were hurting with us and sad and I am sure gave out of pity. So I have to say it did my heart good to see that the giving did not end with last year's sadness. I had an epiphany hit me as I spent Friday running from fundraising event to fundraising event that even though Mary's time here on this earth was cut short she made such a wonderful impact on this world. Maybe she actually did carry out her purpose after all? She did more in her 12 short years than I could ever imagine doing in my 43. It is now my job to be the vessel to help carry on her legacy. I try to explain her personality to those who were never able to personally meet her. But even as I try I realize that her light shone through to those who never met her regardless. Maybe they heard stories about her? Or maybe they could see the angel light just shine from her eyes and her face in photos? I am not sure what it is but she had it. That special something very few have. When I say she wasn't meant to be of this world that is the best way for me to explain it. I can't and won't take take credit for it. She was born with a type of supernatural knowledge and selfless love and caring and empathy I think only God can bless you with. She was beyond special and there really are no words to describe her. Many kids with cancer are the same. Lake and Melissa were also like this. They had that special strength and something magical that made you just fall in love with them. People are still in love with them and I know they always will be. We have a growing fund and we have big plans for this fund.  This week we have at least $10,000 plus coming in from Hopewell and a ton more coming from Cogburn Woods Elementary and more from Perry Ga schools and other businesses!!! It is unbelievable. Truly.  I am attaching this touching video and I ask you to watch it. When we met a few weeks ago with Dr. Meshinchi and Julie Guillot this video describes what we discussed helping fund with our United for a CURE fund. We are passionate about this and after watching this video I think you will be also. I hope you won't shut it down and put it in the back of you mind and forget it. Many will, but I hope you don't.  Julie lost her son to AML after a courageous fight and Dr. Meshinchi just cares and he is brilliant. When you find a Dr. who cares and who is also brilliant you have have something. How do I know he cares? First I know because he gets emotional when he talks about his job and finding cures. He bonds with his patients and connects and responds to them beyond the meetings. And he has personally helped me beyond this one meeting with friends and personal questions and concerns far beyond what an average physician would normally do. I have only ever met a couple of Drs. like him. He is something truly special. Seattle is leading in technology and research and I feel a great place to put some dollars. So know that we are going to keep working hard to build our fund and grow our resources so more can be done to help these children. It is too late for Mary, Lake and Melissa but there are many we can still help being diagnosed tomorrow and in the future. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=44dsu9FETUY