Graduation

Some things are really hard for me to accept...Mary was diagnosed with AML in April of 2014. She was in 5th grade. She was happy, thriving in a new school and making new friends. She was diagnosed and one of the hardest things for her was not being able to go to school. We were able to see her graduate from elementary school which was a miracle. Everything fell into place between her treatments. She felt great, was relatively healthy and we were able to attend the 5th grade graduation celebrations. It was a memory I will forever treasure. She was able to see friends, laugh, dance and just be a kid. For a short time at least. I remember being a nervous wreck and trying to just let go and let her live for a few hours.  Mary loved school, every single second of it. She took nothing for granted, ever. We believed and prayed she would one day make it to middle school. She tried so hard to keep up with her school work when and where she could, although it was impossible to do with her grueling treatment schedule and setbacks. Her only hope was that she could be a normal kid again. And just like that, in what seems like a blink of an eye, her friends are now graduating from middle school...without her. I actually blocked this fact out until one of her friends texted me and told me the middle school did a beautiful tribute to her at graduation. It broke my heart into pieces. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we are missing another important milestone in Mary's life. Something she would have treasured and made the most of. Watching her friends mature and grow and thrive is a beautiful thing but it also tears me apart because a special someone should be enjoying these life moments as well. I am grateful her friends remember her and keep her in their hearts. But talk about another gut punch I wasn't quite prepared for 😔. Cancer sucks. #takenothingforgranted

Epiphany

Epiphanies... It seems I have new epiphanies often these days. It's quite strange and I think that maybe it is a good thing. I believe it means I am growing and evolving more as a person. I am trying to take my life experiences and learn from them. I hope I am also becoming a stronger and better human in the process. Though it is obvious to me and those around me I still have a lot of growing to do, but I believe you have to start somewhere. I have tried to learn from my life lessons and sometimes I write them down so that I don't forget them. Sometimes I even like to share them if I feel they may be beneficial to others.
Recently my friend Anna Bozeman (Lake's mom) and I had a good conversation about some things we have realized about this difficult journey of grief we have sadly have been on together. After losing a child the pain is so deep and so great I don't think anyone really knows how to properly cope with it. This is something books can't really teach you how to do. People can't really tell you how to cope and it is honestly different for everyone. Losing anyone you love is a horrible experience. I've had many miscarriages. I've lost loved ones and friends of different ages and stages. I don't care what anyone says, having a child die in your arms has to be one of the worst pains imaginable. I'm not here to compare my grief pain to anyone else's, it's not a contest. I'm just here to say that child grief is, I believe, unmappable. I don't think that is even a real word (according to spellcheck 🙄). I created it because it just seemed to fit the picture. But I think you get the point. It is different and individual for everyone. Some navigate it better than others. Some come through it on the other side, some get lost on the way and some never make it out alive. No one can tell you how to find your way through it. There is no map. After a while, once you wake up from the haze of realizing your child is really gone, you might try just about anything to forget the pain. You ignore it. You try going into a state of denial. You get distracted anyway you can. Maybe you numb it in some way. You always look for a way to make the pain disappear. The pain is so deep and so horrible that to face it and deal with it head on seems almost unimaginable. I for one fantasized and sometimes sill do about just running way from it. But I always soon realize running away is impossible, grief follows me everywhere I go. I am still uncertain how one is suppose to properly grieve. Is there a proper way? I don't think so. I read about the stages of grief but they don't fit with losing a child. Sometimes you go through all the stages in a day. People will suggest medication and counceling. Fine, maybe that can help. But at some point you just have to find your own way to deal with it and in your own time. I personally don't want to talk to anyone about my loss unless they have also had a child die in their arms and know my same pain. I handle it by talking to others who understand and who don't judge me. It is a day by day journey for me. Sometimes it is hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. I now suffer from extreme anxiety and sometimes PTSD which I never had before. I meditate and pray and just try to pause and breathe when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes I want life to hurry up and sometimes I want it to slow down....confusing? Yes, it certainly is.
Ok, all this leads to the epiphany...Anna and I both came to the conclusion that we have to accept that this awful pain of losing our children is never going to just go away. Reguardless  of what we do it will always be lingering there in the background. All the anxiety and worry and sadness will always be hiding in the dark corners of our mind. We have to accept this and give it a home. That doesn't mean we can't find joy and happiness in our lives as well. But joy and pain will have to find a way to coexist. We can't expect one to replace the other. I do not believe the permanent holes in our heart can be repaired. This doesn't not mean we have to walk around sad, lonely and depressed people forever. We can be joyful and have lives that hold promises of fulfilling futures.  But...there is a "but"...because we have had unimaginable loss we can never let go of certain fears and anxieties. That is just a fact we have to accept. I have some peace with that now. My life will never be the same or like before. It will be different and I am now forever changed but I CAN have a good and happy life. I believe I deserve that. People are able to love and accept me for who I am now even as I carry all these burdens. Pain and sorrow will learn to live next door to joy and happiness and get along. Maybe not be best friends but they can smile and wave and not bother one another. I believe it is possible for all of these feelings to coexist. There doesn't have to be one without the other. This is the new me. It is a complicated mess and doesn't always make perfect sense, but on this day when we had this epiphany this somehow all made sense and gave me some peace. This is just another lesson on this journey called "my life". I hope it can help some else going through this journey as well. ❤️💔🎗

Mary, you made me a mom ❤️

Mary, you made me a mom first. The only thing I ever wanted to be. I never felt more blessed or proud than I was to be your mom. You were something extra special. Anyone who met you knew this. People who didn't meet you but just heard your story or saw your picture knew this. You gave off a special radiance and light only angels posses. You seemed to have wisdom and strength beyond your years. You walked to the beat of your own drum. You put others before yourself. I learned from you to be strong and brave and to never give up.  To love strong and hard and fierce. To take chances and go for my dreams. To be my true self and to not be afraid and express my feelings.
I now live my life to make you proud. I know we will one day see each other again. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy. I have learned to appreciate the things in life that are more difficult to achieve. I fought to have you and I fought even harder to keep you. I treasured every second I had with you on this earth. If more people valued the ones they love and the precious time with them the world would be a much better place. I think we made the most of our time together as short as it was.
I recently heard a theory that before we are born we choose our paths, the lessons we will learn and the journey we will follow.  If that is true then I gladly took on the job of being your mom. With that came all the joys, all the challenges and all the sadness that the job entailed. It also means you willingly decided to enter this earth, endure the cancer and the pain and chose to have your life end too soon. Why? If true I believe it would be to teach others well needed lessons as well. That life is short. To live by faith and not sight. To take nothing for granted. I know I don't regret my choice to be your mom and I never will. Ever. I would chose you every time. Being your mom will always be my greatest accomplishment. I always knew this would be my job from the first moment I could play with a baby doll. I was born to be a mother, your mother. I would choose you again and again. You completed me and I am forever grateful. Until we meet again Mary Elizabeth ...

Mother's Day sadness 💔

I was talking to another mom today and I asked her what she was doing for Mother's Day. The conversation was spawned by us talking about the hectic Mother's Day weekend coming up with all the crazy kids activities. She just looked at me and said, "I don't really care about that day. We are just busy and not celebrating." Most people might be taken aback by that statement but I understood her 100%. She is the sweetest person, she always has a smile on her face and looks to have it all together-"The perfect mom." But I know she lost a son. She is missing a child on this earth...just like me. So for her Mother's Day is just another painful reminder of something that was taken away from her. Not a something but a child, a love, a piece of her soul. I understand that she has a huge hole left in her heart that can't be filled. It is truly painful. Mother's Day opens the wound further and makes it freely bleed. Basically it just plain sucks-if you didn't appreciate my previous metaphor. I haven't said this out loud before, but I hate the day. I don't want to celebrate it. I don't want to be cherished or loved on or treated extra special on this day. I don't want the big deal made. It just reminds me that I was made a mother, it was great, and then I somehow failed at my job. Maybe not failed, but regardless that's how I feel. Basically all holidays and special days kind of suck now.  They only seem to remind me of what is missing from my life and it's really hard to celebrate. I put on a smile and do it for the kids...only. They need it, I don't.

I just looked at my friend today with understanding eyes and said, "Yeah, I get it. Who cares." It got me thinking, and these would never have been my thoughts before I lost Mary, so I felt them worth sharing.  Please try to be sensitive to your hurting friends during these times. Take a minute to be thankful for your blessings, then consider those who don't find celebrating this day so fabulous. It would be the moms who have lost children. Some you might not even know are carrying this pain and dark secret. Ladies who can't conceive are hurting. Women who have miscarried feel sad. Those who have lost mother's miss them and feel depressed. Pray for them all. If they are your friend you could ask them to do something fun and distracting without any mention of their pain. If they want to talk, then talk. Or mainly just try to listen. If you are a husband you could let your wife navigate Mother's Day. Maybe she doesn't want to celebrate at all, just ask her. She may need to spend some time alone.  She may want to sleep all day. She may want to see a movie or shop or take a get away trip and not call it a "Mother's Day" gift/trip. These are just some thoughts from a mom who understands and I hope they are helpful.