Mary's birthday is a week away and the grief and anxiety is creeping in, no it is more like flooding in. It always does. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago who also recently lost her daughter to cancer. She is really struggling and she asked me how I am so strong as she says she can't get images of her daughter out of her head. She constantly stays sad and depressed. She says she sits at home and sees/feels her daughter there daily and it is paralyzing. I thought about that a lot. I feel Mary close but it's not like that for me. I realized I don't live in my grief. I mostly live side by side with it. That is the best way to describe it. I can't live in it constantly. If I did that I wouldn't be able to function daily. I do go their sometimes. If I look at pictures of her too long or if I get lost in memories I start to live in those moments and I get very lost. But then the pain becomes literally unbearable. I have to dig myself back out and it is really difficult to do. This friend's other children are older and out of the house so it is easier for her to stay in that grief. I just can't allow myself to do that. I don't want Steve, Maddy or Whit to see me suffering and I don't want to be an added burden for them. I want to be a good wife and mom and to keep their world running smoothly. They deserve that after all they have been through so I try to stuff down my sadness and get through my days with a smile. The sadness is always there kind of in the peripheral of my vision, but I try hard not to make direct eye contact with it. I deny it and just look away. But when the holidays approach or certain milestones come along there is no looking away. I am made to face it head on. Everyone wants to recognize it and talk about it, so then so must I. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Just like Mary's birthday that is steadily approaching and just a week away. Is this a healthy way to process my grief? I literally don't have a clue. Probably not. At some point I think I will probably need to face my grief and deal with it, but I don't think I am ready just yet. I think if I face it directly I will have to admit to myself that Mary is really gone. I am not ready to admit to myself that she is really truly not here with me anymore. I don't know how my mind can accept that fact. I have lost people in my life and I have been really sad but losing a child is very different. She was a part of me and she wasn't suppose to leave the world before me. It's more than just a sadness, it's a feeling I can't even describe. A feeling I can't even wrap my brain around or completely comprehend. I was suppose to take care of her and protect her and make her pain and sadness go away but I couldn't and I didn't. So this week I know I will be an emotional mess. I have faced enough milestones by now to know that after her birthday I should be okay for a while again until the next big date that brings back the pain and sadness. These dates will keep coming over and over. Nothing will successfully take away my pain. Nothing. This is also a hard fact to swallow and a depressing thought. I wish something could. No one can make it better. I have realized and accepted the truth that I can never be truly happy again, but maybe eventually I will find some sort of contentment and peace. I feel this is the best I can hope for one day. Grief is a very strange and complicated thing. I am coming to grips with the reality of grief and my life now and what it really means. I am starting to find some purpose out of this grief. My life is not what I thought is was going to be and that is ok. Some days, actually most days I feel strong and ok. But then there are those days that I am an emotional basket case. Those are dark days. But those dark days,even though really really hard, seem to be fewer and I can anticipate them coming. Even so, I would experience this nightmare all over again just to know the miracle that was Mary Elizabeth. I wouldn't trade the wonderful memories with her for anything in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment