Mary's birthday is a week away and the grief and anxiety is creeping in, no it is more like flooding in. It always does. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago who also recently lost her daughter to cancer. She is really struggling and she asked me how I am so strong as she says she can't get images of her daughter out of her head. She constantly stays sad and depressed. She says she sits at home and sees/feels her daughter there daily and it is paralyzing. I thought about that a lot. I feel Mary close but it's not like that for me. I realized I don't live in my grief. I mostly live side by side with it. That is the best way to describe it. I can't live in it constantly. If I did that I wouldn't be able to function daily. I do go their sometimes. If I look at pictures of her too long or if I get lost in memories I start to live in those moments and I get very lost. But then the pain becomes literally unbearable. I have to dig myself back out and it is really difficult to do. This friend's other children are older and out of the house so it is easier for her to stay in that grief. I just can't allow myself to do that. I don't want Steve, Maddy or Whit to see me suffering and I don't want to be an added burden for them. I want to be a good wife and mom and to keep their world running smoothly. They deserve that after all they have been through so I try to stuff down my sadness and get through my days with a smile. The sadness is always there kind of in the peripheral of my vision, but I try hard not to make direct eye contact with it. I deny it and just look away. But when the holidays approach or certain milestones come along there is no looking away. I am made to face it head on. Everyone wants to recognize it and talk about it, so then so must I. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Just like Mary's birthday that is steadily approaching and just a week away. Is this a healthy way to process my grief? I literally don't have a clue. Probably not. At some point I think I will probably need to face my grief and deal with it, but I don't think I am ready just yet. I think if I face it directly I will have to admit to myself that Mary is really gone. I am not ready to admit to myself that she is really truly not here with me anymore. I don't know how my mind can accept that fact. I have lost people in my life and I have been really sad but losing a child is very different. She was a part of me and she wasn't suppose to leave the world before me. It's more than just a sadness, it's a feeling I can't even describe. A feeling I can't even wrap my brain around or completely comprehend. I was suppose to take care of her and protect her and make her pain and sadness go away but I couldn't and I didn't. So this week I know I will be an emotional mess. I have faced enough milestones by now to know that after her birthday I should be okay for a while again until the next big date that brings back the pain and sadness. These dates will keep coming over and over. Nothing will successfully take away my pain. Nothing. This is also a hard fact to swallow and a depressing thought. I wish something could. No one can make it better. I have realized and accepted the truth that I can never be truly happy again, but maybe eventually I will find some sort of contentment and peace. I feel this is the best I can hope for one day. Grief is a very strange and complicated thing. I am coming to grips with the reality of grief and my life now and what it really means. I am starting to find some purpose out of this grief. My life is not what I thought is was going to be and that is ok. Some days, actually most days I feel strong and ok. But then there are those days that I am an emotional basket case. Those are dark days. But those dark days,even though really really hard, seem to be fewer and I can anticipate them coming. Even so, I would experience this nightmare all over again just to know the miracle that was Mary Elizabeth. I wouldn't trade the wonderful memories with her for anything in the world.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
United for a CURE
Today Anna, Erika and I were able to meet at CURE and get an update on our United for a CURE fund. I am beyond proud to say we currently have $343,597 in our account. Wow. Thanks to our amazing donors and the the support from our family, friends and past fundraisers we were able to accomplish this. We have more things planned and I know our angels Melissa, Lake and Mary Elizabeth are very proud. We plan to donate this entire amount and more to AML research by July 1. AML, the same cancer that took all of our children away from us too horrifically and way too soon. After this we will begin the fundraising process anew and we have more fundraising ideas on the horizon. Stay tuned for what is to come.
All of our babies have heavenly birthdays coming up and I personally can hardly comprehend this. It would be amazing if you could honor them by donating even just the amount of the age that they are turning on their special days. These milestone days are always difficult for our families and giving in their memory is always a great way to honor them. It does help to ease the pain of their loss and lets us know they are not forgotten. Mary would be 14 years old on February 5th. Melissa would be 5 April 20th. Lake would be 11 on May 24th. Thank you. ❤️
Events coming up on the 2017 calendar:
*I am speaking at the UGA Tri Delta house and sharing our cancer story on February 13th.
*Anna Speaks at UGA Miracle February 18th.
*Shoot for a CURE March 4th in Macon GA
Supports Mary Elizabeth Paris scholarship fund
*Erika is currently having a toy drive in honor of Melissa and will take the toys to CHOA on Melissa's birthday on April 20th.
*Friday April 22nd I am participating in a "Dancing with the Stars" event in Snellville that will raise some $ for our fund.
*We have Lauren's Run coming up Sat. April 23rd. We will be forming a "Team UNITED" and would love to have you join us! It is a great way to help us raise more money for our fund and a great family activity. We will also have t-shirts created for this event to purchase.
*September 17th is the Annual Car Wash in Lake's honor and blood drive.
*Also Cure Fest in Washington DC.
*Stay tuned for a fall Carnival tentatively planned for October.
****And lots lots more!!!!
There is so much coming up and many opportunities for you to be a part of change and hope. I hope you will join us and come along for the ride. 🎗💛💕
-Love,
The Depa Family
The Bozman Thompson Family
The Paris Family
All of our babies have heavenly birthdays coming up and I personally can hardly comprehend this. It would be amazing if you could honor them by donating even just the amount of the age that they are turning on their special days. These milestone days are always difficult for our families and giving in their memory is always a great way to honor them. It does help to ease the pain of their loss and lets us know they are not forgotten. Mary would be 14 years old on February 5th. Melissa would be 5 April 20th. Lake would be 11 on May 24th. Thank you. ❤️
Events coming up on the 2017 calendar:
*I am speaking at the UGA Tri Delta house and sharing our cancer story on February 13th.
*Anna Speaks at UGA Miracle February 18th.
*Shoot for a CURE March 4th in Macon GA
Supports Mary Elizabeth Paris scholarship fund
*Erika is currently having a toy drive in honor of Melissa and will take the toys to CHOA on Melissa's birthday on April 20th.
*Friday April 22nd I am participating in a "Dancing with the Stars" event in Snellville that will raise some $ for our fund.
*We have Lauren's Run coming up Sat. April 23rd. We will be forming a "Team UNITED" and would love to have you join us! It is a great way to help us raise more money for our fund and a great family activity. We will also have t-shirts created for this event to purchase.
*September 17th is the Annual Car Wash in Lake's honor and blood drive.
*Also Cure Fest in Washington DC.
*Stay tuned for a fall Carnival tentatively planned for October.
****And lots lots more!!!!
There is so much coming up and many opportunities for you to be a part of change and hope. I hope you will join us and come along for the ride. 🎗💛💕
-Love,
The Depa Family
The Bozman Thompson Family
The Paris Family
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Undies 👙
I would do literally just about anything to raise money and awareness for childhood cancer. Obviously, I say "Yes!" to most anything people ask me to do if it will support our fund. I will embarrass myself and go anywhere, hence an upcoming "Dancing with the Stars" competition. 😫 Stay posted...this will be good.
I will make a gazillion bows, sell lemonade, dress crazy, aggravate people, harass politicians, plan events -whatever it takes and more. It shouldn't have to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to beg and act ridiculous in order to get attention and positive deserved change for our children, but we are desperate. When you are desperate you take desperate measures. We constantly try to think up new ways to raise money. Well, in a couple of weeks I am doing another ridiculous thing for a very special boy, Jack Burke. I will "run" in Buckhead, in my underwear, in February with some of my closet friends. This is silly, crazy fun and for a great cause. But still something that we shouldn't need to do to raise money.
When we moved to Milton we met the Burke family. They have been beyond kind and great supporters of our cause. They also loved Mary. Sadly our stories are pretty similar in many ways. They tirelessly fundraise and fight for a cure for their son. Their son Jack was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis (NF) and he has had to endure numerous tests and procedures during his young life. He has had to miss school and other normal kid activities. Jack has had multiple chemo treatments and radiation since his diagnosis. He is currently stable but lives with the effects of treatment and a disease with no known cure. The tumors that grow within the nervous system can turn cancerous in some individuals and if they do the survival scenario is not usually a good one. We prayerfully hope Jack continues to do well and stay healthy. Not every child is so lucky. This boy touches my heart and so does this cause. Jack is one of the kindest, coolest and all around best kids I know. He is a master magician with an amazing sense of style and individuality. He deserves a cure and a life without pain and tests and treatments. I ask you to consider donating to my Cupid's Undie Run page in honor of "Jack O". The money we raise makes a huge difference and goes to fund research and cures for NF in children. I have added some NF links that include important facts if you are interested in learning more. And a link to my personal Cupid's page. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. ❤️👙👠❄️👯
I will make a gazillion bows, sell lemonade, dress crazy, aggravate people, harass politicians, plan events -whatever it takes and more. It shouldn't have to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to beg and act ridiculous in order to get attention and positive deserved change for our children, but we are desperate. When you are desperate you take desperate measures. We constantly try to think up new ways to raise money. Well, in a couple of weeks I am doing another ridiculous thing for a very special boy, Jack Burke. I will "run" in Buckhead, in my underwear, in February with some of my closet friends. This is silly, crazy fun and for a great cause. But still something that we shouldn't need to do to raise money.
When we moved to Milton we met the Burke family. They have been beyond kind and great supporters of our cause. They also loved Mary. Sadly our stories are pretty similar in many ways. They tirelessly fundraise and fight for a cure for their son. Their son Jack was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis (NF) and he has had to endure numerous tests and procedures during his young life. He has had to miss school and other normal kid activities. Jack has had multiple chemo treatments and radiation since his diagnosis. He is currently stable but lives with the effects of treatment and a disease with no known cure. The tumors that grow within the nervous system can turn cancerous in some individuals and if they do the survival scenario is not usually a good one. We prayerfully hope Jack continues to do well and stay healthy. Not every child is so lucky. This boy touches my heart and so does this cause. Jack is one of the kindest, coolest and all around best kids I know. He is a master magician with an amazing sense of style and individuality. He deserves a cure and a life without pain and tests and treatments. I ask you to consider donating to my Cupid's Undie Run page in honor of "Jack O". The money we raise makes a huge difference and goes to fund research and cures for NF in children. I have added some NF links that include important facts if you are interested in learning more. And a link to my personal Cupid's page. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. ❤️👙👠❄️👯
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Outrage😡
Yesterday I saw a story on the internet about a dog used in this new movie that supposedly experienced abusive treatment during filming. I briefly thought to myself, "Oh that is sad." But I didn't give it much more thought. A few days before that I saw multiple stories about the Barnum and Bailey circus phasing out it's famous elephant act mostly because of protests from animal activists. I again thought to myself briefly, "Those poor elephants." Then I saw and update later about the elephants. They are going to a conservatory in Florida but the PETA people are up in arms still because they will be prodded and shackled at certain times. (Side note-I did see where their blood will be used in cancer studies that might benefit children. Link about this story posted at the bottom of this page) Then this morning I was watching the news and actually saw the story and edited video clip of the "abused and mistreated" movie dog. What I saw was a dog swimming in water on a movie set with trainers all around. In my head I thought..."This dog was doing a job surrounded by trainers and probably treated like a king. How is this even a news story? And more importantly how is this an important/relevant news story." I must have actually said this out loud because Steve said to me that my thoughts would make a great blog post on how these ridiculous news stories get outrage but children dying of cancer get nothing.
I want to state that I am as big an animal lover as anyone. Anyone who personally knows me knows this. I will save any living thing that I can. We have 3 cats and I strongly advocate for rescues. I feed every stray around to my husband's dismay and our pets get treated very well and are very well cared for. They are family, but they are not human. Most people I know treat their pets very well. There are shops and boutiques and even cafe's for pets. It has gotten crazy ridiculous out there and pets have it all. Pets have sweaters and special houses and even their very own blogs and Instagram pages. But for the life of me where have people's common sense gone? People seriously don't have it anymore. I believe we as a whole care more about our pets and animals than we do about our children. We treat our pets better than our children in some cases. And I am being 100% serious. When I see news stories about children with cancer it is almost always a sweet, tender or sad story. The story usually involves a cute little bald headed child that is pitiful and sad needing your money or support or prayers. Or maybe they were granted a wish or a once in a lifetime trip. The story is all warm and fuzzy. It touches you or maybe brings emotion and a tear to your eyes, but I am doubtful it ever brings any outrage. Where is the outrage when you are told your child has cancer but he has a 0% chance of survival because no one has researched long enough to find one? Like the mom I sat with at lunch yesterday who lost her son to the cancer beast and he had no known real cure. Where is the outrage when you are told your child will suffer from toxic treatments and irreversible organ damage from these treatments because nothing better has been discovered in over 40 years? Where is the outrage when you are told they might very well die from these treatments because science hasn't invested the time or money into better therapies for your child? Where is the outrage when you are told adults have 100's of trials and 100's of experimental medications for cancer treatment but your child is not offered these same opportunities for their treatment? It seriously is the one thing I can't wrap my head around because it makes no sense, absolutely none at all. As a parent when you are told these things it doesn't compute at the time. You are feeling desperate and hopeless and in shock. It is an unbelievable, overwhelming feeling of "this can't be reality," but sadly it is all VERY real. I guess people don't want to see the reality or know it so they ignore it and don't talk about it. Maybe they believe if they talk about it then it will make it a reality. Well, it IS a reality. And it IS senseless and it IS beyond outrageous. I'm done, I have said my peace but I don't feel better. I won't ever feel better because Mary is gone and it is too late for her. I hope more outrage will come and change will happen. Children should just matter. Mary mattered, they all should matter.
https://www.ringlingelephantcenter.com/cancer-research/
http://www.syracuse.com/movies/index.ssf/2017/01/a_dogs_purpose_animal_abuse_movie.html
I want to state that I am as big an animal lover as anyone. Anyone who personally knows me knows this. I will save any living thing that I can. We have 3 cats and I strongly advocate for rescues. I feed every stray around to my husband's dismay and our pets get treated very well and are very well cared for. They are family, but they are not human. Most people I know treat their pets very well. There are shops and boutiques and even cafe's for pets. It has gotten crazy ridiculous out there and pets have it all. Pets have sweaters and special houses and even their very own blogs and Instagram pages. But for the life of me where have people's common sense gone? People seriously don't have it anymore. I believe we as a whole care more about our pets and animals than we do about our children. We treat our pets better than our children in some cases. And I am being 100% serious. When I see news stories about children with cancer it is almost always a sweet, tender or sad story. The story usually involves a cute little bald headed child that is pitiful and sad needing your money or support or prayers. Or maybe they were granted a wish or a once in a lifetime trip. The story is all warm and fuzzy. It touches you or maybe brings emotion and a tear to your eyes, but I am doubtful it ever brings any outrage. Where is the outrage when you are told your child has cancer but he has a 0% chance of survival because no one has researched long enough to find one? Like the mom I sat with at lunch yesterday who lost her son to the cancer beast and he had no known real cure. Where is the outrage when you are told your child will suffer from toxic treatments and irreversible organ damage from these treatments because nothing better has been discovered in over 40 years? Where is the outrage when you are told they might very well die from these treatments because science hasn't invested the time or money into better therapies for your child? Where is the outrage when you are told adults have 100's of trials and 100's of experimental medications for cancer treatment but your child is not offered these same opportunities for their treatment? It seriously is the one thing I can't wrap my head around because it makes no sense, absolutely none at all. As a parent when you are told these things it doesn't compute at the time. You are feeling desperate and hopeless and in shock. It is an unbelievable, overwhelming feeling of "this can't be reality," but sadly it is all VERY real. I guess people don't want to see the reality or know it so they ignore it and don't talk about it. Maybe they believe if they talk about it then it will make it a reality. Well, it IS a reality. And it IS senseless and it IS beyond outrageous. I'm done, I have said my peace but I don't feel better. I won't ever feel better because Mary is gone and it is too late for her. I hope more outrage will come and change will happen. Children should just matter. Mary mattered, they all should matter.
https://www.ringlingelephantcenter.com/cancer-research/
http://www.syracuse.com/movies/index.ssf/2017/01/a_dogs_purpose_animal_abuse_movie.html
Sunday, January 15, 2017
PTSD🙁
PTSD
I was sitting around flipping through the Internet and an article about the PTSD people experience after extreme trauma pops up. I began reading and researching and found it very interesting and helpful. PTSD was definitely something I don't think I was prepared for after returning home from Mary's passing. Also the extreme anxieties were and still are hard to handle. I have always been a laid back easy going person and these emotions can be overwhelming. I didn't and still don't 💯 understand it. I'm am not sure I ever will. I thought PTSD was something only soldiers after war experienced. Obviously anyone who experiences extreme trauma can have PTSD in some shape or form. It is something that should be taken very seriously. I now know I have it to some extent. I never in my life had a panic attack until a month or so after Mary's death. Since then I have had a few more. I am still not sure what triggers these episodes. It was an awful feeling of being trapped and feeling major panic. I was unable to breathe or catch my breath easily. From what I understand about PTSD it can have varying degrees and last from a few months or indefinitely.
I have not been officially diagnosed but it is obvious I have it and I don't need a doctor to label me. It's not that hard to figure out. The first type is:
Re-experiencing symptoms.
* Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
* Bad dreams
* Frightening thoughts
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. The symptoms can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing symptoms.
To me this explains a little of what the panic attacks felt like. One of my worst experiences was as I was being put under for a colonoscopy. I panicked and freaked out. Flashbacks of Mary having procedures and undergoing anesthesia was all that filled my head. My heart was beating out of my chest and I remember crying and screaming for them to let me go home-then I was out. I haven't made it to a doctors appointment since until this past week. I had a CT scan for stomach issues I was having (probably caused by stress and anxiety). I went alone, as was my choice, but the anxiety about the appointment was almost overwhelming. I wasn't worried about the diagnosis I was more worried about handling the procedures and the looming anxiety of having flashbacks. I did ok. But filling out paperwork and having to list my children and illnesses brings anxiety. Praying the doctor doesn't ask any questions about your lost child brings up even more anxiety. I really didn't want to lose it and look like an unstable "fruit loop" in the office. This has happened too many times before. Then I had the CT scan and the IV poke and then the flashbacks came roaring in. Poor Mary in so many scan tubes, getting so many pokes was all I could focus on. It was too much. I thought about the lies I told her believing she would be ok and that these tests were needed to make her better. I believed some of what I told her but mostly I hid my fear so she would remain strong in her fight. I made it out of the test in tact...but barely.
The next type is Avoidance Symptoms.
* Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience
* Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
This is a biggie. Sometimes I have a plan to go somewhere and then I just can't make myself go. I'm not exactly sure what triggers it. I may be really looking forward to an event and the closer it gets I just can't make myself follow through. It's very weird. I have gifts bought and an outfit picked out and then I just can't. It's like I just want to run away and hide instead or curl up in a ball and go back to bed. I haven't been able to step back inside a hospital or return to Memphis since Mary left because I am afraid I can't handle it. I also remember avoiding driving for a long time and also being afraid to drive after losing a close friend in a car wreck many years ago. I still have driving phobias. I don't do well in traffic or at night. If I get lost I have a panic attack. If I had enough money I would for sure have a personal driver like "Driving Miss Daisy". I mostly stay within a 5 miles radius of home 90% of the time. If I have somewhere to be further away I inevitably get lost, even with google maps, because I am distracted and I panic. It's horrible.
Some common PTSD symptoms include:
Guilt, shame, or self-blame
Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
Depression or hopelessness, including suicidal thoughts and feelings
Substance abuse
Physical aches and pains
How to fix it. According to "experts":
Self help tips to overcoming PTSD
1. Get moving
2. Self-regulate your nervous system
3. Connect with others
4. Make healthy lifestyle changes
I think overcoming PTSD is a work in progress. Once you recognize you have it you are half way to fixing it. Some days I feel strong and pretty great and then I fall back into the anxiety and paralyzingly fear.
How can you help a loved one with PTSD?
1. Provide social support
2. Be a good listener
3. Rebuild trust and safety
4. Anticipate and manage triggers
5. Deal with volatility and anger
6. Take care of yourself
What NOT to do:
Don't...
* Give easy answers or blithely tell your loved one everything is going to be okay
* Stop your loved one from talking about their feelings or fears
* Offer unsolicited advice or tell your loved one what they "should" do
* Blame all of your relationship or family problems on your loved one's PTSD
* Invalidate, minimize, or deny your loved one's traumatic experience
* Give ultimatums or make threats or demands
* Make your loved one feel weak because they aren't coping as well as others
* Tell your loved one they were lucky it wasn't worse
* Talk over your own personal experiences or feelings
I hope this information is helpful. I started looking into it out of curiosity and found it interesting and very beneficial for me. It's a complicated and difficult issue, and should definitely be addressed when someone goes through a traumatic event of any kind. PTSD sucks!!!
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
I was sitting around flipping through the Internet and an article about the PTSD people experience after extreme trauma pops up. I began reading and researching and found it very interesting and helpful. PTSD was definitely something I don't think I was prepared for after returning home from Mary's passing. Also the extreme anxieties were and still are hard to handle. I have always been a laid back easy going person and these emotions can be overwhelming. I didn't and still don't 💯 understand it. I'm am not sure I ever will. I thought PTSD was something only soldiers after war experienced. Obviously anyone who experiences extreme trauma can have PTSD in some shape or form. It is something that should be taken very seriously. I now know I have it to some extent. I never in my life had a panic attack until a month or so after Mary's death. Since then I have had a few more. I am still not sure what triggers these episodes. It was an awful feeling of being trapped and feeling major panic. I was unable to breathe or catch my breath easily. From what I understand about PTSD it can have varying degrees and last from a few months or indefinitely.
I have not been officially diagnosed but it is obvious I have it and I don't need a doctor to label me. It's not that hard to figure out. The first type is:
Re-experiencing symptoms.
* Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
* Bad dreams
* Frightening thoughts
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. The symptoms can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing symptoms.
To me this explains a little of what the panic attacks felt like. One of my worst experiences was as I was being put under for a colonoscopy. I panicked and freaked out. Flashbacks of Mary having procedures and undergoing anesthesia was all that filled my head. My heart was beating out of my chest and I remember crying and screaming for them to let me go home-then I was out. I haven't made it to a doctors appointment since until this past week. I had a CT scan for stomach issues I was having (probably caused by stress and anxiety). I went alone, as was my choice, but the anxiety about the appointment was almost overwhelming. I wasn't worried about the diagnosis I was more worried about handling the procedures and the looming anxiety of having flashbacks. I did ok. But filling out paperwork and having to list my children and illnesses brings anxiety. Praying the doctor doesn't ask any questions about your lost child brings up even more anxiety. I really didn't want to lose it and look like an unstable "fruit loop" in the office. This has happened too many times before. Then I had the CT scan and the IV poke and then the flashbacks came roaring in. Poor Mary in so many scan tubes, getting so many pokes was all I could focus on. It was too much. I thought about the lies I told her believing she would be ok and that these tests were needed to make her better. I believed some of what I told her but mostly I hid my fear so she would remain strong in her fight. I made it out of the test in tact...but barely.
The next type is Avoidance Symptoms.
* Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience
* Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
This is a biggie. Sometimes I have a plan to go somewhere and then I just can't make myself go. I'm not exactly sure what triggers it. I may be really looking forward to an event and the closer it gets I just can't make myself follow through. It's very weird. I have gifts bought and an outfit picked out and then I just can't. It's like I just want to run away and hide instead or curl up in a ball and go back to bed. I haven't been able to step back inside a hospital or return to Memphis since Mary left because I am afraid I can't handle it. I also remember avoiding driving for a long time and also being afraid to drive after losing a close friend in a car wreck many years ago. I still have driving phobias. I don't do well in traffic or at night. If I get lost I have a panic attack. If I had enough money I would for sure have a personal driver like "Driving Miss Daisy". I mostly stay within a 5 miles radius of home 90% of the time. If I have somewhere to be further away I inevitably get lost, even with google maps, because I am distracted and I panic. It's horrible.
Some common PTSD symptoms include:
Guilt, shame, or self-blame
Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
Depression or hopelessness, including suicidal thoughts and feelings
Substance abuse
Physical aches and pains
How to fix it. According to "experts":
Self help tips to overcoming PTSD
1. Get moving
2. Self-regulate your nervous system
3. Connect with others
4. Make healthy lifestyle changes
I think overcoming PTSD is a work in progress. Once you recognize you have it you are half way to fixing it. Some days I feel strong and pretty great and then I fall back into the anxiety and paralyzingly fear.
How can you help a loved one with PTSD?
1. Provide social support
2. Be a good listener
3. Rebuild trust and safety
4. Anticipate and manage triggers
5. Deal with volatility and anger
6. Take care of yourself
What NOT to do:
Don't...
* Give easy answers or blithely tell your loved one everything is going to be okay
* Stop your loved one from talking about their feelings or fears
* Offer unsolicited advice or tell your loved one what they "should" do
* Blame all of your relationship or family problems on your loved one's PTSD
* Invalidate, minimize, or deny your loved one's traumatic experience
* Give ultimatums or make threats or demands
* Make your loved one feel weak because they aren't coping as well as others
* Tell your loved one they were lucky it wasn't worse
* Talk over your own personal experiences or feelings
I hope this information is helpful. I started looking into it out of curiosity and found it interesting and very beneficial for me. It's a complicated and difficult issue, and should definitely be addressed when someone goes through a traumatic event of any kind. PTSD sucks!!!
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Snowmageden 2017❄️🌨☃️
Snowmageden 2017 😂❄️
Hurry up and get here snow. The build up is killing me!!!My husband and kids go crazy for this stuff. They ask me the forecast every few minutes and wait by the windows to see a first flake. In Georgia we usually get one decent snow a year. It is fun for an hour or so and then becomes slushy and gross. The kids track in water and dirt all day, say they are bored and want you to feed them...constantly 😂😂😂❄️❄️❄️. I don't complain or get grumpy about much in life but I loath it all. I love to snow ski and play in "real snow" so just take me to Breckenridge or somewhere like that ASAP. And I get tired of the Northerners making fun of us Southerners and how we can't handle driving in the snow. It gets soooo annoying. They cause all the problems here because they think they are so cool and can drive in snow. They get out and slide all over our amazing snow/ice streets. This is what causes most all of the chaos. Smart Southerners know better. We build a fire, put our feet up, drink some hot cocoa (or wine or bourbon) and literally chill. They also have to be the ones behind all the bread, egg and milk nonsense. How much French toast can a person eat?!?You can live off of pantry food for a few days. I promise you. But you really won't have to, the roads are only dangerous for a day or two-tops. In our house we live off of pantry food weekly. The only reason I seriously went to the store was for the cats. They needed to eat. I care about their survival😏 Waiting for snow reminds me of Mary. She loved it too like all kids. It is such a rarity here and something the kids wait for with anticipation. I am first reminded of one big snow in particular. The Christmas it snowed all Christmas Day. It was truly gorgeous and I remember the cardinals surrounding the feeder. It was magical. But Mary and Steve had the flu and sadly watched out the window as we all played. It was pitiful. Then the big snow that hit right before Mary got sick. It was the one that shut down Atlanta. Steve was out of town (of course) and I was teaching preschool. Parents would not come pick up their children because I am sure they were those same stubborn Northerners and the school systems had not officially closed. I finally asked if I could leave early because I had a bad feeling and felt I needed to get home. I was only about 15 miles from home but it took me over 9 hours to get there. I was so worried about the kids but I was getting updates along the way that all was well. The bus had trouble getting them home even though their school is only a few miles away. Thankfully they were well protected my the amazing "Miss G", bus driver extraordinaire. They made it to the entrance and then great neighbors met the kids and walked them home. It had been quite the adventure. They took care of the ones whose parents had not made it back home yet like us. I finally made it to the hood around midnight when my neighbor met me so I didn't have to drive the hills. As we were walking back a bus of middle schoolers had crashed into the entrance of our street. Wow, what a day. I was so happy to see my babies. I leaned more of their adventure as soon as I saw them. Poor Mary had peed her pants and Maddy protected her. She gave her a jacket to tie around her waist and told everyone she just spilled her water. We laughed about that for a long time. The next few days the snow lasted and the kids wanted to get out and ride the hills of the golf course for the first time. Mary walked the course and rode down one hill then cried and said she was tired. This was so unlike her and the first moment I think we realized something wasn't quite right.
Update: Today was fun. I always have Mary memories in the back of my mind and it sometimes makes it hard to stay present and enjoy good moments with my family. It is easy to get sucked back and be sad. I wish she was here experiencing life and I feel sad for our friends also missing one or who have sick children in the hospital missing these fun experiences. But we all got up and going this morning and had a great day. But I will admit Whit and I wimped out pretty early. Cold is not my friend. I enjoyed the beauty of the snow and watching the kids have fun in it with their friends. We had our first fire of the season and all seemed so peaceful and right. I think there is a lesson in all of this and it is to force yourself to do things you dread and look for the beauty and the goodness in those moments. I absolutely know Mary wants this and I just try to feel her with me as I go. I think if I can carry her with me instead of feeling like I am leaving her behind then moving forward won't seem so sad. Maybe.
Hurry up and get here snow. The build up is killing me!!!My husband and kids go crazy for this stuff. They ask me the forecast every few minutes and wait by the windows to see a first flake. In Georgia we usually get one decent snow a year. It is fun for an hour or so and then becomes slushy and gross. The kids track in water and dirt all day, say they are bored and want you to feed them...constantly 😂😂😂❄️❄️❄️. I don't complain or get grumpy about much in life but I loath it all. I love to snow ski and play in "real snow" so just take me to Breckenridge or somewhere like that ASAP. And I get tired of the Northerners making fun of us Southerners and how we can't handle driving in the snow. It gets soooo annoying. They cause all the problems here because they think they are so cool and can drive in snow. They get out and slide all over our amazing snow/ice streets. This is what causes most all of the chaos. Smart Southerners know better. We build a fire, put our feet up, drink some hot cocoa (or wine or bourbon) and literally chill. They also have to be the ones behind all the bread, egg and milk nonsense. How much French toast can a person eat?!?You can live off of pantry food for a few days. I promise you. But you really won't have to, the roads are only dangerous for a day or two-tops. In our house we live off of pantry food weekly. The only reason I seriously went to the store was for the cats. They needed to eat. I care about their survival😏 Waiting for snow reminds me of Mary. She loved it too like all kids. It is such a rarity here and something the kids wait for with anticipation. I am first reminded of one big snow in particular. The Christmas it snowed all Christmas Day. It was truly gorgeous and I remember the cardinals surrounding the feeder. It was magical. But Mary and Steve had the flu and sadly watched out the window as we all played. It was pitiful. Then the big snow that hit right before Mary got sick. It was the one that shut down Atlanta. Steve was out of town (of course) and I was teaching preschool. Parents would not come pick up their children because I am sure they were those same stubborn Northerners and the school systems had not officially closed. I finally asked if I could leave early because I had a bad feeling and felt I needed to get home. I was only about 15 miles from home but it took me over 9 hours to get there. I was so worried about the kids but I was getting updates along the way that all was well. The bus had trouble getting them home even though their school is only a few miles away. Thankfully they were well protected my the amazing "Miss G", bus driver extraordinaire. They made it to the entrance and then great neighbors met the kids and walked them home. It had been quite the adventure. They took care of the ones whose parents had not made it back home yet like us. I finally made it to the hood around midnight when my neighbor met me so I didn't have to drive the hills. As we were walking back a bus of middle schoolers had crashed into the entrance of our street. Wow, what a day. I was so happy to see my babies. I leaned more of their adventure as soon as I saw them. Poor Mary had peed her pants and Maddy protected her. She gave her a jacket to tie around her waist and told everyone she just spilled her water. We laughed about that for a long time. The next few days the snow lasted and the kids wanted to get out and ride the hills of the golf course for the first time. Mary walked the course and rode down one hill then cried and said she was tired. This was so unlike her and the first moment I think we realized something wasn't quite right.
Update: Today was fun. I always have Mary memories in the back of my mind and it sometimes makes it hard to stay present and enjoy good moments with my family. It is easy to get sucked back and be sad. I wish she was here experiencing life and I feel sad for our friends also missing one or who have sick children in the hospital missing these fun experiences. But we all got up and going this morning and had a great day. But I will admit Whit and I wimped out pretty early. Cold is not my friend. I enjoyed the beauty of the snow and watching the kids have fun in it with their friends. We had our first fire of the season and all seemed so peaceful and right. I think there is a lesson in all of this and it is to force yourself to do things you dread and look for the beauty and the goodness in those moments. I absolutely know Mary wants this and I just try to feel her with me as I go. I think if I can carry her with me instead of feeling like I am leaving her behind then moving forward won't seem so sad. Maybe.
Monday, January 2, 2017
New Year 🍾💥🎉
"New Year, new me."
This saying always cracks me up. No matter what resolutions we make it is still always the same you inside. You can change the outside but changing/fixing the inside is a different story. Hopefully it is the same you making better decisions and fewer mistakes in 2017 😂. Most of us make New Year's Resolutions and I love new beginnings and do-overs as much as anyone. Sometimes I keep them and sometimes not. We will see how this year goes 😬2016 sucked so bad and I really hope 2017 is much better. I, of course, want to stay healthy, exercise and eat better (always #1 along with 90% of America). I want to keep on fundraising for our CURE fund and raise tons more $. I would like to be mentally healthier. I want be a better wife and mom by being more present and aware. I want to find more happiness, more good days and stay positive. I would like to travel more. I also want to focus on what's really important and not let everyday stresses get to me.
New Years Eve for us is usually pretty low key and kid involved. We prefer to stay off the roads and away from the CrAzY😜 This year we had an amazing dinner with the best of friends. Friends we have met during this cancer mess and friends who have supported us, loved us and never left our side. Moving to this new neighborhood before Mary was diagnosed and to the city of Milton was certainly on the top of our "life's best decisions list." Now, with that being said, please no one else come here. The traffic is getting a little ridiculous and new houses are starting to take over the beautiful farm land. We would like to keep this little piece of heaven on earth a secret as long as possible. We more than enjoyed the company of these close friends and our time with them was great...until 10 minutes before midnight when Whit informed me, with tears in his eyes, that he must head home. He said "We have to be home in our house as a family to celebrate the New Year." He seemed very adamant about this. We grabbed Maddy to leave and then she said, also with tears in her eyes, "I dont want to leave the party. I want us to stay at the party together as a family." Normally trying to please both kids would make me literally insane-because it is impossible to do. Also at this point we had about 7 minutes left to make an executive decision. We told Maddy we would leave her and friends would bring her home shortly and we left. Whit was happy but Maddy came home hysterical and had a big meltdown. Just lovely and Happy New Year to us! 😱😟I explained to her later that there was no way to please both of them and she would just have to understand that and move on. By the next day she was fine but I was left feeling very sad that I disappointed her and upset her. It wasn't something we thought too much about being an issue before hand and I was was totally unprepared for the ensuing drama. All I want and pretty much everything I do is to make and keep the kids happy. They have been through too much trauma already and anytime I can bring them any happiness I try to. I realize that sometimes this just isn't possible and there is absolutely no way to please everyone. Maybe this next year I need to focus more on me and what makes me happy. I admit that this is hard for me. I am a pleaser and a fixer and it isn't my nature to worry about myself. But I will try.
The New Year has many good parts but the bad parts are the life hurdles that are sometimes difficult to maneuver. First I am reminded of another year without my sweet Mary and this will be forever ongoing. Another year of pictures, moments and memories without her. It's very depressing and I can't focus on it too hard or very long. Also this time two years ago she was intubated with a lung bleed and we were so close to losing her. I have never been so scared as I was watching her sleep in a medically induced coma with tubes breathing for her and medication helping to keep her alive. I just prayed to have one more moment with her to talk to her, hear her sweet voice and to see her precious smile. That year I got my wish. She did wake up and we were given another 8 months with our angel. I am so grateful for that.
Coming up I will be doing the Cupid Undie Run in Atlanta for the second time. It is a fun time but more importantly it supports our good friend and sweet neighbor Jack Burke. He is a precious boy with a disease that also needs a cure and more funding, NF. One reason our community is probably so supportive and understanding of our situation is because of "Jacko". NF is a disorder where benign and/or malignant tumors grow on nerves with varying severities and there is no known cure. So you can understand why this family, boy and cause is close to our heart. They also work tirelessly to raise $ and find a cure. If you want to give to this important cause I am putting the link at the bottom of this page. You can go there to learn more facts about NF if you want. If you are blessed to meet or get to know Jack you will instantly fall in love with him like we have. He is a hard one to ignore in all of his suaveness.
I hope all of my family and friends have the best year yet in 2017. We are forever grateful you are on this journey with us.
https://my.cupids.org/participantdash.asp
This saying always cracks me up. No matter what resolutions we make it is still always the same you inside. You can change the outside but changing/fixing the inside is a different story. Hopefully it is the same you making better decisions and fewer mistakes in 2017 😂. Most of us make New Year's Resolutions and I love new beginnings and do-overs as much as anyone. Sometimes I keep them and sometimes not. We will see how this year goes 😬2016 sucked so bad and I really hope 2017 is much better. I, of course, want to stay healthy, exercise and eat better (always #1 along with 90% of America). I want to keep on fundraising for our CURE fund and raise tons more $. I would like to be mentally healthier. I want be a better wife and mom by being more present and aware. I want to find more happiness, more good days and stay positive. I would like to travel more. I also want to focus on what's really important and not let everyday stresses get to me.
New Years Eve for us is usually pretty low key and kid involved. We prefer to stay off the roads and away from the CrAzY😜 This year we had an amazing dinner with the best of friends. Friends we have met during this cancer mess and friends who have supported us, loved us and never left our side. Moving to this new neighborhood before Mary was diagnosed and to the city of Milton was certainly on the top of our "life's best decisions list." Now, with that being said, please no one else come here. The traffic is getting a little ridiculous and new houses are starting to take over the beautiful farm land. We would like to keep this little piece of heaven on earth a secret as long as possible. We more than enjoyed the company of these close friends and our time with them was great...until 10 minutes before midnight when Whit informed me, with tears in his eyes, that he must head home. He said "We have to be home in our house as a family to celebrate the New Year." He seemed very adamant about this. We grabbed Maddy to leave and then she said, also with tears in her eyes, "I dont want to leave the party. I want us to stay at the party together as a family." Normally trying to please both kids would make me literally insane-because it is impossible to do. Also at this point we had about 7 minutes left to make an executive decision. We told Maddy we would leave her and friends would bring her home shortly and we left. Whit was happy but Maddy came home hysterical and had a big meltdown. Just lovely and Happy New Year to us! 😱😟I explained to her later that there was no way to please both of them and she would just have to understand that and move on. By the next day she was fine but I was left feeling very sad that I disappointed her and upset her. It wasn't something we thought too much about being an issue before hand and I was was totally unprepared for the ensuing drama. All I want and pretty much everything I do is to make and keep the kids happy. They have been through too much trauma already and anytime I can bring them any happiness I try to. I realize that sometimes this just isn't possible and there is absolutely no way to please everyone. Maybe this next year I need to focus more on me and what makes me happy. I admit that this is hard for me. I am a pleaser and a fixer and it isn't my nature to worry about myself. But I will try.
The New Year has many good parts but the bad parts are the life hurdles that are sometimes difficult to maneuver. First I am reminded of another year without my sweet Mary and this will be forever ongoing. Another year of pictures, moments and memories without her. It's very depressing and I can't focus on it too hard or very long. Also this time two years ago she was intubated with a lung bleed and we were so close to losing her. I have never been so scared as I was watching her sleep in a medically induced coma with tubes breathing for her and medication helping to keep her alive. I just prayed to have one more moment with her to talk to her, hear her sweet voice and to see her precious smile. That year I got my wish. She did wake up and we were given another 8 months with our angel. I am so grateful for that.
Coming up I will be doing the Cupid Undie Run in Atlanta for the second time. It is a fun time but more importantly it supports our good friend and sweet neighbor Jack Burke. He is a precious boy with a disease that also needs a cure and more funding, NF. One reason our community is probably so supportive and understanding of our situation is because of "Jacko". NF is a disorder where benign and/or malignant tumors grow on nerves with varying severities and there is no known cure. So you can understand why this family, boy and cause is close to our heart. They also work tirelessly to raise $ and find a cure. If you want to give to this important cause I am putting the link at the bottom of this page. You can go there to learn more facts about NF if you want. If you are blessed to meet or get to know Jack you will instantly fall in love with him like we have. He is a hard one to ignore in all of his suaveness.
I hope all of my family and friends have the best year yet in 2017. We are forever grateful you are on this journey with us.
https://my.cupids.org/participantdash.asp
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