Life goes on...

As the weather is getting warmer and I feel spring in air I always start to focus on new beginnings. Spring is always my favorite time of year and Easter is my favorite holiday. Mary loved it too and she always helped me to decorate around the house. But getting out decorations these days is still a struggle. I cry instead of feeling happy and joyful. I feel good and positive most days, but I find myself in dark sad moments at random times still.  They grab me and it's hard to find my way out. I sometimes feel "normal" and happy. Life almost begins to feel good again and then BAM I remember the reality. The reality is I miss my best friend and she is forever gone. Her bed is empty, her friends are growing up without her and she is not here growing up by my side. The fantasy can only last so long before this reality slips back in. I feel very alone, like no one remembers or cares or...I don't know. It is just a sad, depressing and empty feeling. Having several sick family members currently fighting cancer doesn't help as it sometimes seems like a family curse and brings up painful memories.  But I do try to focus on the positives. That helps and I know I have many. I have close friends who have stood by me throughout everything I have been through and they never deserted me in my darkest of times. Most sane people would  have run away, they didn't. They held my hand, they still do. They don't judge and they love me regardless of my flaws, as I do them. I feel to have one of these friends is a treasure and I am lucky to have a few. Maddy and Whit are beyond amazing kids. They are flourishing in life, period. They are successful in school, sports and with friends. I really could not be more proud. They are my biggest treasures.
We have a loving family and we are open and supportive of each other. This is big. I am lucky and blessed. I still see goodness in everyday and it helps when I can keep fundraising and sharing our story to make a difference. You never know where you will touch someone. This week I had an unexpected encounter with someone whose daughter had cancer, a relapse and a BMT. I actually don't think most of his coworkers even knew his story or could understand the depth of his journey. Praise God she is surviving and flourishing, but sadly I could see the many scars left behind through this dad's tears. The fear never goes away and childhood cancer leaves lasting reminders and cracks in families that last a lifetime. But I am glad I am able to be out there and hopefully making a difference for those who still have a fighting chance.  I now have a new friend and he has a new support if he needs one.
Through this journey I have learned some hard lessons that help me cope. I have to go against my inherent personality traits most of the time, but I know to grow and be a better person there are some things I must do.
1. Stay away from negative people. People that make me feel bad or sad are not needed in my life. Cut ties. This is a biggie. I hate cutting ties, it's not my nature. But this is important. Not everyone will like or love me. I have to accept that and move on. I can't control other people's behavior, just my own. I can't spend time worrying about their perception of me. I stopped following any negative people on social media. This is a biggie.
2. Say "no". Sometimes you just have to refuse the things that give your life added stress. And/or ask for help. I really am working on this one!
3. Don't fear appearing weak. I hate feeling weak or unable to accomplish something. I feel strong and want to be independent but sometimes it is important to let insecurities go and trust others to help. Or just ask for help. It's okay. Really :)
4. Don't always be so trusting. I often put faith in people I probably shouldn't. I feel I am a trustworthy person and expect those around me to be the same. They don't always have the same intentions. Most people are selfish-it's human nature. Just know this. Don't take it personal.
5. Put myself and my happiness first at times and not feel guilty. This is big. It is hard for me to not live for the happiness of others. But you get one life, be happy, make the most of it. I believe this 💯
6. Forgive myself. This is hard for me and probably most everyone. We all are probably hardest on ourselves. I think this is human nature. But I have to forgive myself to allow growth and healing.
7. Just live day by day and moment by moment. Try not to control all aspects of my life. Being in control feels good. But I learned the hard way it is impossible to control every aspect. Be open to change. I think it is good to have a plan but it if doesn't work out don't let it make you crazy. Just go with it and look for the positives.
8. Spend time with the ones you love. Talk and take pictures and make memories. I promise you that tomorrow is never promised. Have no regrets.
9. Be ok with failing.  I think it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. I want to always look successful and for my ideas and plans to be the best...truth=sometimes they aren't. Move on and try again. But don't ever give up on your dreams or ideas. One is surely to be amazing. Ha.

So, for me life is ticking along. Sometimes slowly, sometimes too quickly, sometimes peacefully, sometimes with anxiety and sometimes with happiness. But it is LIFE. I'm just going with it .

I am attaching a really good article that resonated with me about being a people pleaser. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else also.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/

By Henry Van Dyke
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is
 Eternity.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/

Tri Delta and St Jude

I've been thinking about this post for a while and now is the perfect time to write it. Sororities/fraternities many times get a bad wrap. You often only hear the negative stories and not often enough the positive ones. When I went to UGA joining Tri Delta was one of the best decisions of my life. But even then I had no idea the impact that decision would have on me. The girls I met became my closest and lifelong friends.  To this day many of us talk daily/weekly.  We still get together often and we support each other through all of life's ups and downs. They have supported me through this cancer journey in more ways than I could ever tell you in this brief writing. That is what joining a sorority is about: sisterhood and bonding for life. It's for real. For me their support and love meant everything. I know 100% that if it was not for my Tri Delta sisters I wouldn't have made it all 4 years at UGA.
I always knew that St Jude was Tri Delta's philanthropy but I never knew how important that would be until my beautiful Mary was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and needed St. Jude to save her life. When I walked into the hospital and saw the strong influence of Tri Delta it gave me such peace to know my sisters put such a big mark on the place that I prayed would be able to heal my child. If anyone could, I felt they could. Mary also believe it with all of her heart. When we landed in Memphis she burst into tears. I was confused and asked her if she was ok. She said, "I'm just so happy because I know this place will save my life." They didn't save her, that obviously wasn't in the cards, but we did get 10 more miraculous months. Mary loved St Jude and she wanted to be a Tri Delta even more after being there.  She loved seeing pictures everywhere of the sisters, the art, the pin embedded in the waiting room wall and their visits.  We often talked about my fun times at UGA and all the good times with my sisters. I can't explain how it touches my heart to be able to go back to Athens to share my personal story with the new sisters.  It's great to see the tears in their eyes and know they can feel the hard work and money raised really does make a difference. To have a freshman come up to me from my high school to tell me she became a Tri Delta because of me and Mary. To tell me that she wants to be a Pediatric oncology nurse makes me feel as though our journey has a purpose. Last year our chapter raised over $60,000 and this year the goal is $81,000. I have no doubt they will reach it and beyond. I am beyond proud. I am hopeful more girls will join sorority life and be proud of their sisterhood. It can be a wonderful thing, I know I am forever proud and thankful. I know Mary is also. Delta Love!

14

I've been in denial. I totally blocked it out and avoided the date. It's not like I didn't know it was looming-it was one of the best days of my life. I have been filling my calendar, writing in appointments, meetings and other upcoming events but avoiding that one particular day-February 5th. It's amazing what we as humans can ignore when we put our minds to it. Then today I did it, I flipped the calendar to February and drew a small heart on the 5th. It's Mary's birthday. I can't even accept it or believe it; the fact that she should be turning 14. How can this even be? She will be turning 14 in Heaven and not having her 14th birthday here on earth. I truly don't know how this is even my reality. She should be picking out make up and getting a manicure. We should be shopping at her favorite stores and getting Starbucks together. We should be planning a fun weekend with friends and talking about boys and music. Instead I am trying to avoid thinking about this day because it brings sadness and tears and rips my soul in two. On this day to honor her memory, if you wish, you can do like last year and donate $14 in Mary's honor. It will go into our fund and 100% will go toward AML research and trials for children. You wouldn't believe the difference it made last year. Seeing 100's of $13 donations made a big difference but not only that it also said to us that so many cared and remembered Mary. We will celebrate Mary on Sunday.  We plan to get a big pink unicorn cake, release 14 pink balloons toward heaven and cheer on the Falcons while eating her favorite meal of steak and shrimp. We will remember her best times, her happy times, the times we laughed and loved. I will cry and cry a lot because that is what I do.  I am still sad and heartbroken that my sweetest Mary is not here with me. My life will never be complete without her.
I decided to look up the significance of the number 14. I know it has to be important. 14 would have been a big year for her. Mary would be in 8th grade and almost ready for high school. She would be taller, more beautiful and as vibrant as  ever. 12 years with her was just not enough. This is what I found out about the number 14 if you are also interested.
Valentine’s Day, of course is celebrated on February 14 every year. It is a day for romance and love.
The Fourteen Stations of the Cross are stations for meditation used by many Catholics in the Roman Catholic Church.
The stations consist of fourteen crosses and may also have pictures.
The believers go from one station to the next saying prayers.
These are the fourteen stations approved by Pope Benedict XVI:
1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
2. Jesus betrayed by Judas and arrested
3. Jesus condemned by the Sanhedrin
4. Jesus denied by Peter
5. Jesus is judged by Pilate
6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns
7. Jesus takes up His cross
8. Jesus is helped by Simon to carry His cross
9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
10. Jesus is crucified
11. Jesus promises His kingdom to the repentant thief
12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other
13. Jesus dies on the cross
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb
 In Engelbert Humperdinck’s opera “Hansel and Gretel”, there is the prayer of the lost children: “The Fourteen Angels”:
When at night I go to sleep,                                  
fourteen angels watch to keep,
two my head are guarding,
two my feet are guiding;
two upon my right hand,
two upon my left hand.
two who warmly cover,
two who o’er me hover,
two to whom ’tis given
to guide my steps to heaven.
The number 14 represents deliverance or salvation and is used twenty-two times in the Bible. The term "14th" is found 24 times in scriptures.
The fourteenth day of the first month is the Passover, when God delivered the firstborn of Israel from death. Some 430 years earlier, on the night of the 14th day of the first month, God made two covenant promises to Abraham — one of the physical seed, Isaac, and his descendants, and one of the spiritual seed, Jesus Christ, and the sons of God who would come through Him, who would shine like the stars of heaven (Matthew 13:43). On the day portion of the 14th, God confirmed the promises with a special covenant sacrifice.
"After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.' But Abram said, 'Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?' . . .
"And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, 'This one shall not be your heir, but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.' Then He brought him outside and said, 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.' And He said to him, 'So shall your descendants be.'
"Then He said to him, 'I am the Lord, who brought you out of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to inherit it.' And he said, 'Lord GOD, how shall I know that I will inherit it?' So He said to him, 'Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon. . . . ' " (Genesis 15:1-2, 4-5, 7-9, NKJV)
On the 14th day of the first month in 30 A.D. Jesus Christ, God manifested in the flesh, the only begotten Son of God the Father, and the Lamb of God to take away the sin of the world, was crucified as the perfect sacrifice to save mankind from sin. Jesus' death on Passover completed His ministry in the flesh.
Seven represents completion - thus 7 + 7 = 14, indicating a double completion:
1. Jesus' ministry in the flesh was completed.

2. Jesus' sacrifice ended or fulfilled the need for animal sacrifices.

I would personally say the number 14 seems to be pretty significant. Mary, I will miss you forever and ever until I am with you again!
*I have attached a picture of a pink unillama and the number 14 you can change to your profile picture if you like. It is something Mary would find hilarious and a reminder of her birthday. I am also attaching the link to our fund if you want to give ❤️

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Managing Grief

Mary's birthday is a week away and the grief and anxiety is creeping in, no it is more like flooding in. It always does. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago who also recently lost her daughter to cancer. She is really struggling and she asked me how I am so strong as she says she can't get images of her daughter out of her head. She constantly stays sad and depressed. She says she sits at home and sees/feels her daughter there daily and it is paralyzing. I thought about that a lot. I feel Mary close but it's not like that for me. I realized I don't live in my grief. I mostly live side by side with it. That is the best way to describe it. I can't live in it constantly. If I did that I wouldn't be able to function daily. I do go their sometimes. If I look at pictures of her too long or if I get lost in memories I start to live in those moments and I get very lost. But then the pain becomes literally unbearable. I have to dig myself back out and it is really difficult to do. This friend's other children are older and out of the house so it is easier for her to stay in that grief. I just can't allow myself to do that. I don't want Steve, Maddy or Whit to see me suffering and I don't want to be an added burden for them. I want to be a good wife and mom and to keep their world running smoothly. They deserve that after all they have been through so I try to stuff down my sadness and get through my days with a smile. The sadness is always there kind of in the peripheral of my vision, but I try hard not to make direct eye contact with it. I deny it and just look away. But when the holidays approach or certain milestones come along there is no looking away. I am made to face it head on. Everyone wants to recognize it and talk about it, so then so must I. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Just like Mary's birthday that is steadily approaching and just a week away. Is this a healthy way to process my grief? I literally don't have a clue. Probably not. At some point I think I will probably need to face my grief and deal with it, but I don't think I am ready just yet. I think if I face it directly I will have to admit to myself that Mary is really gone. I am not ready to admit to myself that she is really truly not here with me anymore. I don't know how my mind can accept that fact. I have lost people in my life and I have been really sad but losing a child is very different. She was a part of me and she wasn't suppose to leave the world before me. It's more than just a sadness, it's a feeling I can't even describe. A feeling I can't even wrap my brain around or completely comprehend. I was suppose to take care of her and protect her and make her pain and sadness go away but I couldn't and I didn't. So this week I know I will be an emotional mess. I have faced enough milestones by now to know that after her birthday I should be okay for a while again until the next big date that brings back the pain and sadness. These dates will keep coming over and over. Nothing will successfully take away my pain. Nothing. This is also a hard fact to swallow and a depressing thought. I wish something could. No one can make it better. I have realized and accepted the truth that I can never be truly happy again, but maybe eventually I will find some sort of contentment and peace. I feel this is the best I can hope for one day. Grief is a very strange and complicated thing. I am coming to grips with the reality of grief and my life now and what it really means. I am starting to find some purpose out of this grief. My life is not what I thought is was going to be and that is ok. Some days, actually most days I feel strong and ok.  But then there are those days that I am an emotional basket case. Those are dark days. But those dark days,even though really really hard, seem to be fewer and I can anticipate them coming. Even so, I would experience this nightmare all over again just to know the miracle that was Mary Elizabeth. I wouldn't trade the wonderful memories with her for anything in the world.

http://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child

United for a CURE

Today Anna, Erika and I were able to meet at CURE and get an update on our United for a CURE fund. I am beyond proud to say we currently have  $343,597 in our account. Wow. Thanks to our amazing donors and the the support from our family, friends and past fundraisers we were able to accomplish this. We have more things planned and I know our angels Melissa, Lake and Mary Elizabeth are very proud. We plan to donate this entire amount and more to AML research by July 1. AML, the same cancer that took all of our children away from us too horrifically and way too soon. After this we will begin the fundraising process anew and we have more fundraising ideas on the horizon. Stay tuned for what is to come.
All of our babies have heavenly birthdays coming up and I personally can hardly comprehend this. It would be amazing if you could honor them by donating even just the amount of the age that they are turning on their special days. These milestone days are always difficult for our families and giving in their memory is always a great way to honor them.  It does help to ease the pain of their loss and lets us know they are not forgotten. Mary would be 14 years old on February 5th. Melissa would be 5 April 20th. Lake would be 11 on May 24th. Thank you. ❤️
Events coming up on the 2017 calendar:
*I am speaking at the UGA Tri Delta house and sharing our cancer story on February 13th.
*Anna Speaks at UGA Miracle February 18th.
*Shoot for a CURE March 4th in Macon GA
Supports Mary Elizabeth Paris scholarship fund
*Erika is currently having a toy drive in honor of Melissa and will take the toys to CHOA on Melissa's birthday on April 20th.
*Friday April 22nd I am participating in a "Dancing with the Stars" event in Snellville that will raise some $ for our fund.
*We have Lauren's Run coming up Sat. April 23rd. We will be forming a "Team UNITED" and would love to have you join us! It is a great way to help us raise more money for our fund and a great family activity. We will also have t-shirts created for this event to purchase.
*September 17th is the Annual Car Wash in Lake's honor and blood drive.
*Also Cure Fest in Washington DC.
*Stay tuned for a fall Carnival tentatively planned for October.
****And lots lots more!!!!

There is so much coming up and many opportunities for you to be a part of change and hope. I hope you will join us and come along for the ride. 🎗💛💕

-Love,
The Depa Family
The Bozman Thompson Family
The Paris Family

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Undies 👙

I would do literally just about anything to raise money and awareness for childhood cancer. Obviously, I say "Yes!" to most anything people ask me to do if it will support our fund. I will embarrass myself and go anywhere, hence an upcoming "Dancing with the Stars" competition. 😫 Stay posted...this will be good.
I will make a gazillion bows, sell lemonade, dress crazy, aggravate people, harass politicians, plan events -whatever it takes and more. It shouldn't have to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to beg and act ridiculous in order to get attention and positive deserved change for our children, but we are desperate. When you are desperate you take desperate measures. We constantly try to think up new ways to raise money. Well, in a couple of weeks I am doing another ridiculous thing for a very special boy, Jack Burke. I will "run" in Buckhead, in my underwear, in February with some of my closet friends. This is silly, crazy fun and for a great cause. But still something that we shouldn't need to do to raise money.
When we moved to Milton we met the Burke family. They have been beyond kind and great supporters of our cause.  They also loved Mary. Sadly our stories are pretty similar in many ways. They tirelessly fundraise and fight for a cure for their son. Their son Jack was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis (NF) and he has had to endure numerous tests and procedures during his young life. He has had to miss school and other normal kid activities. Jack has had multiple chemo treatments and radiation since his diagnosis. He is currently stable but lives with the effects of treatment and a disease with no known cure. The tumors that grow within the nervous system can turn cancerous in some individuals and if they do the survival scenario is not usually a good one. We prayerfully hope Jack continues to do well and stay healthy. Not every child is so lucky. This boy touches my heart and so does this cause. Jack is one of the kindest, coolest and all around best kids I know. He is a master magician with an amazing sense of style and individuality. He deserves a cure and a life without pain and tests and treatments. I ask you to consider donating to my Cupid's Undie Run page in honor of "Jack O". The money we raise makes a huge difference and goes to fund research and cures for NF in children. I have added some NF links that include important facts if you are interested in learning more.  And a link to my personal Cupid's page. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. ❤️👙👠❄️👯

http://www.ctf.org/understanding-nf/about-nf
https://my.cupids.org/CureNF

Outrage😡

Yesterday I saw a story on the internet about a dog used in this new movie that supposedly experienced abusive treatment during filming. I briefly thought to myself, "Oh that is sad." But I didn't give it much more thought. A few days before that I saw multiple stories about the Barnum and Bailey circus phasing out it's famous elephant act mostly because of protests from animal activists. I again thought to myself briefly, "Those poor elephants." Then I saw and update later about the elephants. They are going to a conservatory in Florida but the PETA people are up in arms still because they will be prodded and shackled at certain times. (Side note-I did see where their blood will be used in cancer studies that might benefit children. Link about this story posted at the bottom of this page) Then this morning I was watching the news and actually saw the story and edited video clip of the "abused and mistreated" movie dog. What I saw was a dog swimming in water on a movie set with trainers all around. In my head I thought..."This dog was doing a job surrounded by trainers and probably treated like a king. How is this even a news story? And more importantly how is this an important/relevant news story." I must have actually said this out loud because Steve said to me that my thoughts would make a great blog post on how these ridiculous news stories get outrage but children dying of cancer get nothing.
I want to state that I am as big an animal lover as anyone. Anyone who personally knows me knows this. I will save any living thing that I can. We have 3 cats and I strongly advocate for rescues. I feed every stray around to my husband's dismay and our pets get treated very well and are very well cared for. They are family, but they are not human. Most people I know treat their pets very well. There are shops and boutiques and even cafe's for pets. It has gotten crazy ridiculous out there and pets have it all. Pets have sweaters and special houses and even their very own blogs and Instagram pages. But for the life of me where have people's common sense gone? People seriously don't have it anymore. I believe we as a whole care more about our pets and animals than we do about our children. We treat our pets better than our children in some cases. And I am being 100% serious. When I see news stories about children with cancer it is almost always a sweet, tender or sad story. The story usually involves a cute little bald headed child that is pitiful and sad needing your money or support or prayers. Or maybe they were granted a wish or a once in a lifetime trip.  The story is all warm and fuzzy. It touches you or maybe brings emotion and a tear to your eyes, but I am doubtful it ever brings any outrage. Where is the outrage when you are told your child has cancer but he has a 0% chance of survival because no one has researched long enough to find one?  Like the mom I sat with at lunch yesterday who lost her son to the cancer beast and he had no known real cure. Where is the outrage when you are told your child will suffer from toxic treatments and irreversible organ damage from these treatments because nothing better has been discovered in over 40 years? Where is the outrage when you are told they might very well die from these treatments because science hasn't invested the time or money into better therapies for your child?  Where is the outrage when you are told adults have 100's of trials and 100's of experimental medications for cancer treatment but your child is not offered these same opportunities for their treatment? It seriously is the one thing I can't wrap my head around because it makes no sense, absolutely none at all. As a parent when you are told these things it doesn't compute at the time. You are feeling desperate and hopeless and in shock. It is an unbelievable, overwhelming feeling of "this can't be reality," but sadly it is all VERY real. I guess people don't want to see the reality or know it so they ignore it and don't talk about it. Maybe they believe if they talk about it then it will make it a reality. Well, it IS a reality. And it IS senseless and it IS beyond outrageous. I'm done, I have said my peace but I don't feel better. I won't ever feel better because Mary is gone and it is too late for her. I hope more outrage will come and change will happen. Children should just matter. Mary mattered, they all should matter.

https://www.ringlingelephantcenter.com/cancer-research/

http://www.syracuse.com/movies/index.ssf/2017/01/a_dogs_purpose_animal_abuse_movie.html