April 11

3 years...3 years doesn't seem like that long really, but to me it seems like a lifetime. April 11, 2014 Mary Elizabeth went from a seemingly healthy, normal, beautiful 12 year old girl to a child diagnosed with leukemia.  We went from enjoying spring break, looking forward to Easter and her sister's upcoming birthday to trying to process a cancer diagnosis and what that meant. We truly had no way to comprehend what the next 17 months fighting the beast would entail. This is probably a good thing. Ignorance is bliss in a lot of ways, if we'd known how hard it was going to be we might not have had the strength to fight it. I'll never forget standing in the kitchen, after previously being told my daughter had mono, and getting a shocking phone call being told to rush straight to the hospital because they NOW suspected leukemia. My world was spinning and my brain couldn't even process the words in my ear. Steve walked in at the exact moment I was hearing the words "LEUKEMIA". He looked at my face and he just knew. I must have been as white as a ghost, only the wall was holding me up. I'll never forget being in that too tiny closed conference room with the doctor, who had tears in his eyes, trying to explain to two distraught, frightened parents that their daughter had leukemia. And even worse we soon learned she had AML, the most rare and deadly of the leukemias. I just wanted to go back to being ignorant. I didn't want to know about leukemia or even want the stupid word to exist. When you are told to not search the internet for information you know it can't be good. It was all way too much to handle and something I really couldn't even remotely process. We then had to try to figure out how we were suppose to explain something we really couldn't even understand ourselves to our daughter. I will never forget through hysterical tears telling Mary Elizabeth she had leukemia, a cancer we would do everything  we could to beat. And I was trying hard to really believe we would beat it myself. The statistics were against us but I was hoping her will to fight was stronger. In true hero Mary form she comforted us instead and told her own parents, "Ok, no more tears. Y'all are no longer allowed to cry. Only I can cry. Everything will be ok." She was so strong and brave and confident. In that moment I knew she needed us to be stronger and braver and confident also.  It was usually her strength which gave me the courage to carry through. I mostly kept my promise not to cry. Or at least to not cry in front of her. I would cry in the shower, in the hospital garden or silently into my pillow. If Mary could endure 100's of pokes, procedures, disappointments and tests then I could be strong enough to hold her hand without tears that she could see. I would choke them back, turn my head and wait until I reached the waiting room to let them flow. I was safe there with multiple other parents doing the same. Today I am not always strong without her. I am weak. I cry...a lot. She probably can see all my tears from heaven. I mostly hide them from the rest of the world, but she sees them.  I can hear her sweet little voice in my ear, "Mommy, please don't cry. I'm ok. I love you so much. Please be strong. Maddy and Whit need you." When she left me I lost a big part of my strength, a huge chunk of my world was gone. She was a big reason for me waking up everyday and living. I still have reasons...Steve, Maddy and Whit. I am finding more reasons everyday. In this journey we have made so many amazing friends and have also lost too many. I hope 3 years from now Mary's legacy will have grown and more awareness and change will have happened. She at least deserves that and I have to wake up everyday to help make it happen. This true sad story is proof that life can change in a day, a minute, a second. Mine did on April 11, 2014. I choose to keep living without my soulmate and best friend by my side. It is really really hard. Some days it almost seems impossible. I have to believe her spirit is still with me guiding me along the way. I get by counting my blessings, staying positive and being grateful for what I do still have. I am forever thankful for the time I did share with Mary. Being her mom was my greatest gift. I will never forget this day-April 11, 2014. The day my life changed forever.

Hi Mary 😇

Spring break 2017 was relaxing and reenergizing. Something my soul really needed. Good times with friends is always much needed for the whole family and the kids really needed the break. Vacations are fun but also difficult because you know in your heart you are always missing one special person. It was a good week with tons of laughs, the best kids, ice cream runs, great food and awesome sunsets. We were very blessed to also spend some time with Peyton and Robert and their families. These are two cancer warriors and sweet friends of Mary's that mean the world to us. Honestly seeing Robert soaking up every second of the sand and sun after all he has been through broke my heart into pieces. He never stopped and never complained. I was beyond overjoyed to see him so happy. But he was so happy because he hasn't seen the ocean in years being that he has missed out on so much life because of damn cancer. Playing and rolling in the surf was something most kids take for granted, not Robert. Most kids complain they are hot, or tired, or sandy, or hungry, or bored. Imagine being bored at the beach???!!! Not Robert. He has spent more days fighting cancer than he has been alive. Yep, he just passed that milestone. It breaks my heart that the sweetest angels suffer the most. I got over my pity party eventually and later enjoyed our precious time with Robert. His smile and love for life is contagious just like Mary's and Lake's, explains the bond...there is a lesson in that. Next time you want to complain instead remember their smiles and their infectious love for life. Then just soak up the sun and take in the positives.
A few weeks before the trip I started doing something new. My best friend had been talking to me a lot about doing meditation for anxiety and trying some visualization strategies. I thought she was full of a bunch of baloney, but recently my brother in law was also talking about how much it has helped him. So I asked her more about it and she sent me some YouTube videos. Some seemed ridiculous, honestly. My nature is to do deep research into these things and I also did a lot more reading. I still am. Some of it is very interesting and much of it makes some sense. I am new at all of it but every morning at home I do breathing exercises and positive meditation. I figured it can't hurt, right? So one day I decided to do a visualization where I actually visited with Mary. It seemed very real and powerful. Once we were together in my mind there wasn't anything I really needed to ask her. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and cry. Then I told her I needed to see tangible, undeniable signs. I needed to known she was always near. I needed her to show me without a doubt she was with me and approved of my path. When I came out of this meditation I was covered in tears, mentally exhausted and I haven't been able to do it since. But I have been able to have more peace. And also I know I can go back there if/when I need to. Well some amazing things have happened that makes me believe there is maybe something to all of this. The theory is that we are all energy and we can connect if we can get into a place of positivity and acceptance. And depending on what perspective we have we can manifest positives or negatives into our life. I for one want more positive. I do believe that the universe is a big and powerful place. There is a lot out there and absolutely no way we can understand everything. A few strange things happened the week leading up to the beach and while at the beach. Here are a few things from the beach: On the way to the beach I noticed a cloud that looked like an angel and a heart. I watched them for about 30 minutes and they never moved. They are clouds, no biggie. Then one evening we were taking sunset pictures and I noticed a strange glow on my hand. I thought it was just the reflection of my ring, but realized my ring was on my other hand. I started looking at the other pictures and the golden orb was in many others and in the live pictures it moves all around very strangely. I sent them to a photographer friend who told me that is not something she can explain. I then knew it was Mary. The next evening my parents were taking pictures in their back yard of a beautiful cross Steve Gray (@crossdesigns1991 FB:Crossroads Deaigns of Perry, GA) made for my dad. My dad is making a "Mary Garden". Mary loved collecting crosses and Mr. Gray made one we gave Whit for Christmas. Guess what? The same golden orb showed up in my parents  pictures in the garden around the cross moving all around. My sister took many picture and videos. There is no denying that Mary is with us. She came through. I am posting some of the the pictures so you can see it and decide for yourself.
For the first time in a very long time I feel strong and happy. I know Mary is with me in spirit. I feel even though my life is different and even though my path has changed it can still be a good, no a great and fulfilling path. I just have to let go, remember to not control everything. And just trust and BE STILL.