Super or Gorilla???

Strong women...are you a "Super" or a "Gorilla" or both???

What a wonderful and enlightening weekend! Friday I attended the beautiful tea at the St. Regis with the lovely Sylvia Tylka. I was also so blessed to attend with some of my mom friends and cancer warriors.  I had no idea about the tradition of the tea at the St Regis. (If you want to know the cool history behind it I have a link at the bottom of this page.) And then Saturday I also attended the Quiet Heroes luncheon. I was overwhelmed thinking how powerful and strong women are or potentially can be. Especially when we have a passion and we are able to work together for a common and bigger cause, one like childhood cancer. We really do hold up so much and carry so much on our shoulders just in everyday life in general. It is literally a miracle that we remain sane- if we really do most of the time. And then when you throw childhood cancer in the mix...wowzers. One friend in our weekend conversation mentioned a 3 a.m. phone call/text with another cancer mom (not particularly uncommon when you are a cancer mom who never sleeps) about glue. And the message was simply..."Super or Gorilla." This made me chuckle and think deeply for a minute about a deeper meaning behind this. Many times the kids say to me "Mommy, you are the glue that holds this family together" and I think that is true for so many women. We are expected to be the silent and strong "glue" always holding everyone and everything down and in place. Juggling many balls but never dropping any. Keeping things in order-emotions in place and everything running smoothly. Many times I see single moms caring for their sick children, caring for other children, holding down a job, paying bills and being the "glue". I don't know how but they hold it all together and they do it well or at least they appear to do it very well. I don't think we always give ourselves enough credit for all we are able to do and accomplish.  I looked around today and saw how much power and influence was in that Quiet Heroes room. I personally believe the name should be changed though, maybe to "Noisy Heroes". These changers are not quiet they are quite noisy. Thank goodness we are noisy because it takes noise to be heard and I feel we are finally being heard. So much change is happening, I see it and it is exciting and my hope is that every year it doubles and triples. We women make noise, we know how to be quiet...but men certainly also know women can be very loud when we want/need something. We know when to shake it up to get what we want. We know how to wear the heels to the office and how to look pretty but also when to demonstrate we have a brain under the pretty make up and hair. I mean the thought of a man giving birth, nursing, waking up every hour during the night and functioning on a daily basis makes me chuckle. Enough said about that. I mean, men are amazing and I love them. I love that they make the world go around and that they are strong and take care of us. I love that they punch each other and don't cause a lot of drama, etc. That is why normally I don't like most women, I appreciate women though.  Inside I mostly feel like a dude, a dude who is laid back and simple on the inside but on the outside I like make up, girly clothes and wear lots of pink 💗. I would mostly rather hang with the guys than hear annoying girl chatter. And really until college I only had a couple of close girl friends. Girls are complicated and I don't enjoy complicated. Until recently I realized I am also quite complicated-Oh joy. This has been really hard for me to stomach. But I also realized this...girl power is real and it is awesome. And complicated is ok.  Also I believe as humans we are all complicated, if you don't think so then you are probably in denial about that. And another thing...we need each other, we really do. We work better in pairs and in teams. This is why girls gang up, go to the bathroom in pairs, have lunch dates, do tea😘 etc. So like Super Glue, we are literally super moms in many ways. Some working jobs outside of the home, and if not working an outside job then they are working at home and running in a million different directions, carrying kids to a gazillions different activities, counseling, refereeing fights, cooking meals and helping with homework. Don't even mention the romance department. 😆 And if you are a cancer mom then there are the endless medicines and procedures and schedules moms are usually in charge of remembering and administering. If you are an angel mom like me you might become the "Gorilla Glue" type...still expecting to hold it all together but now fighting not only for the the child you couldn't save but for those you believe you can help save. You become obsessed with helping and changing and challenging the cancer world.  You can't sleep because you can't stomach seeing another child die. What if you raised one more dollar that made a difference or met one more person that could do something. It becomes insanity...literally. But you realize at events like Quiet Heroes you are not alone and that there is power in numbers.  Women...they just rock. Women like Chris Glavin who is so classy and beautiful on the outside and who could easily just sit back and be quiet enjoying her private social life but instead she fights and speaks out-she does it big. What I love most about her is that she becomes your friend and a real friend. She isn't superficial, she gets to know you and your story and really cares. She speaks and uses her power and influence to make a change. The same with Jaye Watson, another kind heart who isn't afraid to be real and let you get close. But she is also a changer. She cares and she REALLY cares. She sticks her neck out and uses her influence to be a changer. I am sure they get knocked down and stepped on and it isn't always easy. They are both in the spotlight and letting people in has to be really hard and sometimes dangerous but they do it anyway. And they don't even have children with cancer. But they love big and give big and they are real. That's my favorite part, the real part. I believe that is what people are touched by the most, they let people in and people appreciate the "real". They inspire me to love big also and fight and care and not to give up. "Ok, just breath"....your women friends also remind you to do that when you need it. Just use you voice, your wit, your perseverance and "Never give up"...like Mary said. And eventually change will happen. It already is. So I have learned to love these women and hang with these women I love and adore so very much. More than anything I am so thankful to have them and that they get me and my complicated mess and they love me in spite of it.  They are with me in my insane fight to change-they are all in.  I am glad they are not quiet and that we can use our power and brains to find new ways to make change. This makes me happy. It is good to feel happy sometimes. Go women!!!Super Gorilla Women...all women! 

http://content.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,2057714_2251980,00.html

http://teacher.scholastic.com/activities/women/notable.hthttp://www.afternoonteadoha.com/-tea

Real news...

Brangelina, Kim and Kanye-seriously, how are they even news???!!!I don't get it. This is news...

https://www.yahoo.com/news/childhood-cancer-deaths-brain-cancer-overtakes-leukemia-top-202020696.html

http://www.americanpress.com/opinion/2016-09-20-ed-childhood-cancer

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, 

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Here are some faces to go with the statistics. This is REAL

NEWS...

Our fund...

Our fund...

Sometimes people wonder just what is our fund? What do we do with it? What is our plan and future goal? Well, we are three families who met under the worst possible circumstances. We all lived in the Atlanta area and had children diagnosed around the same time with leukemia. But not normal leukemia, the worst possible type of leukemia...AML. It created a bond of love and friendship not only between us but also between our children who now play together in Heaven. We are are left behind on this earth to fight a battle and share information we learned because...well, we feel we have to. Someone has to. We share information and knowledge no one told us. What we have found is there are others out there just like us. Although hard to find, they are out there. We hate finding them...it makes us sad they exist but happy at the same time because they understand our same pain and frustrations. But sad they have to know our same pain and frustrations. Weird to comprehend. But since they do exist when we find each other it is like discovering a rare treasure. When we come together our knowledge grows and our power grows and our momentum grows. We also learn that our knowledge and power might help spread knowledge and power to others and possibly lead to cures of other cancers and on and on. This is exciting. We know although change is finally happening it takes money and lots and lots of it. And AML is still considered rare. It is not only rare but also very complicated and complex and vastly different from adult AML. This fact has to be recognized and acknowledged by the medical community which is is slowly starting to happen. This knowledge has to be shared by different institutions and collaborations between these intuitions has to happen for advancements to be made in pediatric cancers. This is a process. It is happening.
Currently we work with CURE which allows us to use their organization to hold our money. We use their resources to advertise and help with fundraising and we get to use 100% of the money we raise to go toward research which they approve. We can have some say in what research they approve which comes from all over the country. CURE has a proven process to approve research and I will discuss that at another time.  As a group we focus on AML research and immunotherapy in general as we feel this is what is most important to date. We currently have over $200,000 in our fund and growing. This is amazing and we plan to do big things. I know our children are proud of the work we have done and you have done to help us. Finding a cure takes time and work and lot of money. I wish there was a magic bullet but there is not. The answer to curing cancer will be specialized treatment and individualized care which now we don't have. Every child's cancer is unique but currently it is all treated basically the same which is beyond ridiculous. It is similar to being blindfolded and shooting at a target, praying you hit it but having no idea where you are aiming. It makes no sense and that is how things have been for years and years. This is what we are working to change. Meeting with other parents like we did last night-parents like Julie Guillot and Michael Copley who have such passion to fight AML and amazing Drs and researchers like Soheil Meshinchi who is making advancements in gene mapping gives me faith and hope in a future cure and change in treatment philosophies. Discussing new therapies such as T-cell therapies gets very exciting. I am looking forward to seeing the future cure happening in my lifetime. When Mary told me "If I have to die so my friends can live then I will be ok with it" I never took it literally to mean that maybe the living cells the researchers are currently studying in a lab in Seattle could lead the way to a cure. Think about it...mind blowing. 

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

Going Gold

Going gold...ironic, I guess that Mary died at the beginning of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month or as I now like to refer to September as Childhood Cancer "Action" Month. I like to think many more people are now more aware and it is time to now take ACTION. This month will always be a reminder of not only her passing but a reminder of why she is gone. Hopefully it won't always be painful as I hope her story can help to bring about awareness and action. This seems to be happening as I see more action taking place.  And I hope the momentum keeps up and keeps getting stronger. Coins4CURE is going as strong as ever in it's second year. And the gold bow campaign was a huge hit. Trust me I was covered in glitter as my car interior has also been for two weeks. 🎗 The local schools, football teams and cheer squads are going gold and raising funds for Childhood Cancer as well as college football teams  

http://www.wtxl.com/sports/curing-kids-cancer-partners-with-college-football-teams-to-raise/article_5aaa08ae-140f-11e3-84a0-0019bb30f31a.html

and professional baseball teams.

http://atlanta.braves.mlb.com/atl/community/ccawareness.jsp

It all helps. It is amazing. I see change happening all around and it is great.👊🎗❤️ I don't believe this was the case a few years ago. I never saw a "GO GOLD" campaign.  As painful as it is to share our story I hope it is worth it and our story has been a part of the contribution to the awareness campaign and change I see happening. And with the growth of social media this makes it easier. It is a small price to pay to let strangers into your private life. It all helps. Every little bit helps. We need to keep the momentum going all year long and every year growing the campaign bigger and better. Advancements in research have been too slow to progress and we have to move faster. We need congress to wake up and vote on more $$$$ for our kids. 3.8%  is beyond pitiful. 

Yesterday eventing  Steve and I were able to speak about Mary and our fund at a wonderful event in Carrollton for the Jessica Lee foundation 

https://goo.gl/photos/641nUjDzF2HJD7az8

A foundation was started in honor of a sweet little girl, Jessica Lee who had a story way too similar to Mary's. She also lost her battle to AML at the too young age of 11. She was a sweet little spunky girl who was full of life with too few options to fight her disease.  Her mom fights hard to share her story and to raise $ to help others and to give to research. It had been a while since I'd watched videos of Mary or seen her sweet face or heard her sweet angel voice. I didn't know if I could talk and tell Mary's story after I watched the videos.  My job when we speak is to talk about Mary-her miracle birth, her funny stories, her quirkiness and sweet spirit. Steve talks about the process, statistics and the few treatment options. I got really choked up, but once I got going I did ok. I felt her spirit close and remembered why I do this. Even though I have had such a tough year and been so weak and suffered I remembered Mary was always so faithful and strong through her fight. Tonight I was reminded that I need to focus on that. To focus on her strength and to get my life right. Mary always had the right perspective. She was my buffer and kept me balanced. I can't let things fall apart because she isn't here with me in body, but she is always with me in spirit telling me to stay strong and to be brave. Her faith never wavered, ever.  I have to remember that.

Celebration of Life

Steve reminded me that a year ago on a Wed. last year Mary's "Celebration of life" was held. That day was such a blur. I dreaded that day so very much. Planning your child's service is so very surreal and something no parent should have to do. How do you pick out a casket and flowers? All I kept thinking through tears was that I should be picking out a prom dress or a wedding dress and wedding flowers. This was so wrong. Mary and I always loved watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and she always said she would have a pink wedding dress one day. Of course she would! And believe me, if we made it to that day she would get anything she wanted. She could have a polka dot rainbow dress and ride in on a purple unicorn if that was her wish. And I am sure she would wish that! Since I love photo shoots with the kids I had anticipated a future one, I recently ordered a beutiful pink ballerina dress for Mary to wear in an upcoming shoot. Hoping it would make a wonderful homecoming picture and Christmas card. But knowing in the back of my mind it might not be that and that it most likely would be her burial gown. It also looked a lot like what her wedding gown might possibly be like if she picked it. And sadly, it did become her burial gown. This and kitten slippers a dear friend sent her was what we chose to bury her in. How depressing. If you attended her service you heard Steve's amazing speech. How he had the strength to give such a moving eulogy I will never understand. I believe he spent months planning it in his head. You tend to do that to mentally prepare yourself, like it or not this is what you do when you spend hours and days in a hospital knowing your chances of leaving with a healthy child are slim. Many people claim to have been moved by his words. Hundreds were there that day. Thousands watched and heard his words via the web. So many that our church website crashed and it had to be replayed. Steve talked about how we put a man on the moon years ago and since then only a few drugs have been developed for childhood cancers. How does that make sense? How so much research and change has been made in our world and advances in technologies all over the world but so little has been done for our children. How does this make sense? And now we are faced with a child that didn't have to die but has because we failed her and many others. Did you listen and feel moved to help bring about a change? Or did you leave just feeling thankful it wasn't your family that this touched? I hope you left wanting to take action and that you have in some way. You can give to our fund. You can give to CURE. You can help with fund raising efforts. There is so much you can do. Please don't sit there and do nothing and just be thankful it wasn't you. Because tomorrow it might be you. I have been to more funerals for children than I care to count. My children have seen too many friends die. It is wrong and scary. 

A memory from Mary's service I will never forget was towards the end of the service and we planned to release pink and gold balloons. As we sat in the sanctuary I knew it was raining and I was worried we wouldn't be able to do the release. As we came outside I heard a loud clap of thunder and the heavens opened up and just above the church and only above the church a circle of blue sky opened. The music to fight song played and the balloons were released. I talked later to a church employee who was outside that day. He informed me that they were about to call off the balloon release worried about everyone's safety with the approaching storm. But they felt a heavenly presence and decided to wait. With the clap of thunder and the opening of the heavens they knew it was Mary saying, "It is going to be okay". And it was. Everything cleared up after that. He also told me he had been to many services and felt the presence of God clearly and strongly at only a few and Mary's was definitely one of them. That has given me much peace. I feel the clap of thunder was also Mary's call to TAKE ACTION and I hope you will! If you haven't yet...do it today!

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united

http://curechildhoodcancer.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1164142&lis=1&kntae1164142=904AA4AA5CD848D88D2C937BECDF218B&supId=425394591

The beach...

The BEACH...

September SUCKS! It just does. Sept. 1 was hard and I really didn't want to even get out of bed. But the anticipation of going to the beach gave me the motivation needed to pack and prepare so we could leave by the time the kids came home from school.  We heard something about a hurricane. Who cares about a hurricane? We have lived through childhood cancer. Bring on a hurricane. Pretty much my only fears are in this order 1. Childhood cancer 2. Clowns 3. Flying roaches. The ride down was long but singing Dixie Chicks and Thomas Rhett songs with the kids at the top of our lungs helped to pass the time. The beautiful pink sky was a nice reminder that Mary was tagging along with us.

Fri: We made it to St Simons around midnight and right as we settled in my phone alarm went off to let us know there was a tornado warning. Again, who cares about a tornado. I took some zquil and slept very restless. I woke up to literally thousands of messages on Sept 2. from our family and notes about Mary from friends.  The memories from last year popped up on my Facebook and I just had to turn off my phone. This Facebook breakup is needed. It would take me literally all day to read everything and I would never stop crying.  My heart can't take it. I am thankful and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for Mary and our family but today I can't focus on her death. This damn hurricane wind had better move out and the sun come up so so I can get my toes in some sand!

Sat/Sunday: Update: The hurricane passed. It left some damage around the island. Some palms down, a gas station cover was blown over and some siding has flown off a few buildings. People have been without power for a few days but they have just camped out on the beach with mimosas and eaten at restaurants with generators. Ahhh....beach life. But the sun eventually came out and the wind did die down and the late afternoon was gorgeous. We walked the beach and found our beautiful pink sky. It reminds me that the storm leaves damage but you can go on and find some beauty after the storm. 

The next day was a perfect beach day. My favorite kind. The day you sit and watch the kids play happily and the sun shines all day and you sip a drink ALL day LONG with family and friends. Then you get to watch the Dawgs win later that night. Nothing is better than watching UGA in St Simons. Really.
Today it a little overcast but I plan to enjoy every last minute of beach that I can. Being here brings me some peace and I know Mary is close.

Labor Day: Now I feel refreshed and ready to go home to start this new chapter. Well, I am really never ready to go home🙄 It was also nice to have my mom and dad pop in for a visit, hangout on SSI and buy our breakfast on the way out❤️

Year two. Ugh. It sucks so far also. It is gonna suck. Next is year 3...then...4. But it is what it is. I have to move forward because it is the only choice I have. I need to look for some joy. I need to honor Mary and help others that can't help themselves right now. And I will do all I can. 

Bye SSI, until next time.

Pink sky Wind

on the pier.

 
 Waiting for Dawgs game.
 In the village
 

 Me and Papa
 

A year.

A year. 12 months. 365 days. 8760 hours without Mary. I have survived a year. It hasn't been easy. And I  have just focused on mainly surviving this year. Denial helps a lot. If I focus too much on her death I can't function. Basically if my life was a perfect bowl of cereal with all the marshmallows placed perfectly on top (because that is my favorite kind) and all color coordinated before then it now feels like someone took the bowl and shook it up and spilled it everywhere. Then they ask me to put it all back together again. Seem impossible? It does to me also. Everything is a mess and mixed up and fixing it does sometimes seem impossible. Pieces will always be broken and missing.  And I fear the mess will take forever to clean up.  Sorry, if  i'm not the best with metaphors.  And maybe I'm hungry too:/ I sometimes imagine Mary is still here laying beside me and in my arms. I can almost smell her and feel her and hear her sweet voice. But she is not. It almost feels real....but it is not. When I lost her I lost many hopes and dreams and also a best friend who loved me unconditionally. As I did her.  If I am lucky I might dream of her and it seems real enough.  I am able to hold on to her memory a little stronger and it is a little more clear. She seems to feel a little closer for a day or so. I can't think about the day we lost her very often. The reality of it is so horrible. You really can't imagine what it is like to watch a child you put so many hopes and dreams into take their last breath. Especially when just the day before they were up talking and fighting and eating 6 deviled eggs. To lay beside your child for hours knowing it was her last hours and trying to soak in every moment, feeling her warm skin as long as possible knowing that time was short is a feeling no parent should have to experience. Ever. Wondering if you really did all your could? If she was going to be okay on the other side? If your life could go on without her? Well, let  me tell you...It does. Time ticks on...and on...and on. Sometimes so slowly it seems to be in slow motion. Sometimes you feel like it isn't even your life, but a dream. Or you are watching someone else live your life from a distance. You don't even recognize yourself anymore. You are in a fog as you and your husband have to go home without your baby.  One child always missing in a picture. One always empty seat. One less present bought. One less everything...forever. You have to learn to exist as a family of 4, not 5.   Exist outside of the hospital. Communicate again about things that don't involve just keeping a child alive. You must try to be "normal" again. You must go home to your other children that are without a sister they cherish. You have to try to explain her passing to them when you can't quite grasp the reality yourself. The pain and hurt are indescribable. Then you have to figure out a way to function. You are still a mom, wife and friend. You find a way to wake up, work, pay bills, clean house etc. etc. Then one day you realize the pain isn't ever going away and you have to learn to exist with it. I dread life without Mary in so many ways, but I look at things differently now also. I have changed. My outlook on life is different. I want no regrets. I want to find true happiness again. I hope I can. I want everyone I love to be able to. I kind of want to be a little selfish now. Life is really short. Really really short. It is fragile and this world is warped.  If I could leave and go be with Mary now then I would-but I can't yet. So until that day I have a mission to change what I am able to in this childhood cancer world.  I feel maybe this was my purpose on this earth all along. Not to be just a mom or a wife in my safe little bubble, but to branch out of my comfort zone and change things. Make a dent. A real change. I use to want to travel the world and join the peace corps. Do big great things-or so I Imagined. Maybe even be a missionary in Africa. But I stayed safe. I followed the rules and did what seemed was best for me. Easiest. But now I believe this is my real mission. It is scary. Really scary. But that is ok. I will spend this next year working on this new venture. It is intimidating because I really have no idea what I am doing but I have a purpose and a passion and someone has to do it. So, here I am. I could stay home and write posts on FB and sell bows and tshirts etc. etc. That is all grand and has it's place but we need to do more. Lots more. We need more $ and we need to move faster. I hope you will come with me. I will keep Mary's story alive and the story of her friend's alive. I will fight for better AML treatments for children. I will tell the truth. I am planning to lobby and fight for change from our law makers. It blows my mind why nothing is changing or being done. I don't get it. When the facts are the facts. The truth is the truth. And the truth is sinful.

 

Childhood Cancer Facts 

Incidence:

Currently, one in every 330 children in the United States develops cancer before the age nof nineteen. The incidence of cancer among children is increasing. Each 

• school day, enough children are 

• diagnosed with childhood cancer to empty two classrooms!

• (According to www.ChildCancer.org)

Survival Rate:

• Depending on the type of cancer and the development upon diagnosis, the ACS estimates that approximately 2,300 children will die from cancer in the year 2000. The number of children diagnosed with cancer in the U.S. each year puts more potential years of life at risk than any single type of adult cancer. (According to www.ChildCancer.org)

Causes:

• Largely unknown. Currently, there are no established guidelines for childhood cancer prevention. (According to www.ChildCancer.org)
• 
  

Description:

• Childhood cancers are mostly those of the white blood cells (leukemia’s), brain, bone, the lymphatic system and tumors of the muscles, kidneys and nervous system. Each of these behaves differently. Cancers in very young children are highly aggressive and behave unlike malignant disease seen at other times of life. The median age for childhood cancer is six. Children frequently have a more advanced stage of cancer when they are first diagnosed. 80% of children show that cancer has spread to distant sites in the body when the disease is first diagnosed. (According to www.ChildCancer.org)

Current Treatment Options:

• A child with cancer must be diagnosed precisely and treated by clinical and laboratory scientists who have expertise in the management of children with cancer. Advances in treatment have been made in some childhood cancers; however, many cancer types offer very  aggressive treatments with lower survival rates. Many treatments include: several rounds of chemotherapy, tumor removal, radiation therapy, bone-marrow-transplantation, and various clinical procedures. (According to www.ChildCancer.org)

Cancer Facts/Statistics:

• Each school day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• One in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• Each year in the U.S. over 12,600 children are diagnosed with cancer. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• Although the 5 year survival rate is steadily increasing, one quarter of children diagnosed with cancer will die 5 years from the time of diagnosis. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• Cancer remains the number one disease killer of America’s children – more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• 80% of children have metastatic disease at time of diagnosis as compared to only 20% of adults. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• There are currently more than 270,000 childhood cancer survivors in the U.S. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• Late effects of childhood cancer treatment are common in survivors, and approximately one-third are moderate to severe. (According to www.Candlelighters.org)
• Worldwide, 160,000 kids are diagnosed with cancer each year. (According to www.StBalricks.org)
• Childhood cancer kills more U.S. children than any other disease – more than AIDS, asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and congenital anomalies, combined. (According to www.StBalricks.org

I care because it happened to my family. I lost a child to a disease that is frustrating because the statistics are skewed and the truth told is not the whole truth. Not enough people seem to care, or if they do care they haven't cared enough to do anything to make things better.  If my story makes you sick or if these facts bother you then you can can help me

change things. Many of you have already and "Thank You" isn't enough.  You can open your checkbook, you can have fundraisers, you can share Mary's story and other's story and share also share knowledge. Tell the truth. Write your congressmen and be a pain in their as*.  Don't stop until someone listens and helps. Don't be afraid. Kids matter. 

Today I am going to sit on the beach, enjoy a drink and remember Mary. I will remember a happy peaceful Mary at the last beach Mary got to visit. A place she loved, St Simons Island. I will look for her in the sunset and in the stars and remember the happier times we shared here-our happy place. I will walk on the beach and try to think about her wonderful miracle birth and not focus on her death. I will try to focus on her legacy. Tomorrow I will wake up ready to fight another day. And in her infamous words..."Never give up, no matter what."