I know I am excited for a new year and for new beginnings. These past few years without Mary have been tough. Tough is not even the proper word. They have been brutal, exhausting, trying, frustrating, maddening, depressing and so much more. But I “try” really hard to not dwell on the past. I “try” to live in the moment and focus on moving forward into a more positive future. For a long time I was stuck in limbo and sometimes stuck in the past. Being stuck is the worst feeling. When I look back over the past few years it seems like an eternity. When times are bad it seems they drag on forever. When times are good I want to hold on tight to those times but they seem to fly by. I am excited to see what 2019 brings. I am excited that I have the ability and the opportunity to make positive changes in my life. After some really dark days, one day I woke up and realized I had two choices: 1. Throw my life away and continue to fall apart 2. Fight to live and make the most of this life...I chose #2. That day everything changed for me. It’s been a daily struggle but it is what I needed. I decided to take charge of my own health and happiness. The truth is no one is going to care for me as much as I care for myself. It’s my job, not someone else’s. I can only control my actions and my behaviors so I decided to focus on me for once in my life. It was really hard to do. It felt selfish although taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is necessary. Honestly I realized that if I didn’t take care of myself I wasn’t sure I was going to be around many more years to take care of my children. That was my biggest motivation. My kids=my world. Stress can kill you, you know!?!?If you don’t know, well it can. And it will be a slow agonizing painful death.
Recently I had a memory of some conversations Mary and I shared in the hospital. We use to spend hours talking about being frustrated with how badly we wanted to get out and make change happen in the pediatric cancer world. But we felt trapped and unable
to do much while we were stuck in the hospital and while she was undergoing intense treatments. We killed time and stayed positive by designing T-shirt’s to raise $ and making Facebook posts sharing her story and awareness. We talked about and planned all the things we would do when she finally got out of the hospital and was healed at home. It kept her mind occupied and her motivated to get better. After she passed I was stuck in a type of limbo and unable to make myself do much. I now finally feel motivated to do what Mary and I always dreamed about and that was to find big ways to make big positive change. I know it’s possible. I feel the same about my everyday life. There was a time I felt alone and lost and stuck but I’m ready to find more peace and happiness this year. God has shown me in many ways that he didn’t ever abandon me. Although at one time I was positive that He did. He has shown me mercy and love and hope. I can now see that sometimes you need to get knocked down to learn to surrender and trust Him. I am very thankful for this. I am a much different person than I was before Mary’s cancer. I like this person. It’s not
a “new” me but the real me. The person I was always afraid to be. After living through cancer and losing a child not much scares me anymore. It doesn’t matter if anyone else accepts me or understands me. Those that really love me will always love and support me. You get one shot at this life and it is mine alone to live. As long as I am proud of who I am then that is all that really matters. I aim to be a good mom and make Mary and my other two children proud. If I accomplish this then I am a success. If I am a healthy and happy person then I AM the best mom I can be. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching these past few years. I’ve had to learn who I was, find my purpose and create future goals. These are things I’d never really thought about before losing Mary. I always lived my life for others and for the approval of others. Life is short and mine is not over-so I plan to make the most of it. Bring on 2019!!!
to do much while we were stuck in the hospital and while she was undergoing intense treatments. We killed time and stayed positive by designing T-shirt’s to raise $ and making Facebook posts sharing her story and awareness. We talked about and planned all the things we would do when she finally got out of the hospital and was healed at home. It kept her mind occupied and her motivated to get better. After she passed I was stuck in a type of limbo and unable to make myself do much. I now finally feel motivated to do what Mary and I always dreamed about and that was to find big ways to make big positive change. I know it’s possible. I feel the same about my everyday life. There was a time I felt alone and lost and stuck but I’m ready to find more peace and happiness this year. God has shown me in many ways that he didn’t ever abandon me. Although at one time I was positive that He did. He has shown me mercy and love and hope. I can now see that sometimes you need to get knocked down to learn to surrender and trust Him. I am very thankful for this. I am a much different person than I was before Mary’s cancer. I like this person. It’s not
a “new” me but the real me. The person I was always afraid to be. After living through cancer and losing a child not much scares me anymore. It doesn’t matter if anyone else accepts me or understands me. Those that really love me will always love and support me. You get one shot at this life and it is mine alone to live. As long as I am proud of who I am then that is all that really matters. I aim to be a good mom and make Mary and my other two children proud. If I accomplish this then I am a success. If I am a healthy and happy person then I AM the best mom I can be. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching these past few years. I’ve had to learn who I was, find my purpose and create future goals. These are things I’d never really thought about before losing Mary. I always lived my life for others and for the approval of others. Life is short and mine is not over-so I plan to make the most of it. Bring on 2019!!!
Lessons learned in 2018
Take chances, it’s better than never knowing
Everyday is a blessing, make the most of it
Never apologize for who you are
You don’t have to accept being treated poorly, walk away
Fight for what you believe is right
There is bad in the world but there is also a lot of good
You are stronger than you believe
You will have bad/wasted days, get through them and move on
You will make mistakes, leave them in the past and look forward
Use your voice and speak loudly, make people hear you
Love yourself and be good to you
Don’t worry about how others perceive you as long as you feel good about yourself
Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect
Actions speak louder than words
When in doubt always choose love and kindness
Life is hard but it is also beautiful
God will fight for you, even when you don’t feel Him there. Sometimes you need to just “Be Still”
*Most Important lesson... “Be Brave”
Thank you Mary
~Wishing all my friends and family the best year ever! 2019 🥂
Isaiah 40:29-31
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
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