15

Mary’s birthday is here. She would be 15.  I can’t even fathom this to be a true fact, honestly. I imagine how tall and beautiful she would now be.  She would be learning to drive (scary). I believe she would be performing in many singing and dance performances at RISPA,  school and church. She would have many wonderful close friends who appreciate her sense of humor and her gigantic heart. I am sure she would be active in many clubs, church activities and projects that help others in need. To go there in my mind and really think about all of this breaks my heart in two. I will never fully understand how and why she was chosen as the unlucky one to have been taken by the evil that is cancer. Maddy is helping to plan her birthday celebration. Thank goodness for Maddy, without her I couldn’t plan effectively or even think clearly. She is a sassy boss lady, but she gets the job done. We have made it a tradition to make Mary a special cake, send notes to her on pink balloons to Heaven and to spend the day just celebrating her. Reliving good times and happy memories makes the pain a little more tolerable. Maddy and Whit are so strong and amazing. They love their big sister with their whole heart. We will forever be broken with holes in our hearts and nothing can completely fill them. I think these special activities help them connect and “speak” to Mary. All of this is very painful for me, but I know we will forever celebrate the day our first perfect, spunky and beautiful baby girl was born. Mary’s siblings will never forget her. They will always look up to her and celebrate her life as often as possible. Cancer sucks!!!

Dear Mary,

Happy 15th Birthday!!!!

We miss you terribly and we desperately wish we had your human self here to physically love on and celebrate with. I feel certain your spirit will be with us celebrating this very special day. Maddy has designed a special cake and we will be sending you some balloons up to Heaven. I am sure this would be a very important day for you if you were still here with us. Maybe you would want a new phone, new make up and new clothes. But I am certain that you would also be giving to someone else in need and not thinking about only yourself. That is just how you were. We ask you to give us some type of sign so we know you are here with us. You always come though. Every time I think about another birthday without you my heart hurts. It physically feels pain. It will always be this way, I am afraid. 💔

In keeping with birthday tradition I will share and remember your birth story. You always loved hearing it and PaPa always did the same for me. Yours is a doozie...here goes...

Before I got pregnant with you I had suffered many miscarriages. So many, in fact, that I lost count. But I was determined to have a child of my own. I begged and pleaded with God to help me. “Just one child please God, just one.” 🙏 When I first found out about you I was excited but guarded since I had already experienced so many disappointments. I carried you always scared and worried that you might be taken from me at any moment. Your 20 week appointment told us you had some health issues and we would have to watch you closely throughout. There was a chance you might not grow as big as you should and might not survive to full term. I got ultrasounds often which actually gave me some peace. I bought my own heartbeat monitor so I could listen anytime I wanted at home. Once I could feel you move I was able to breath a slight sigh of relief. We found out you were a girl and we were thrilled. We named you “Mary Elizabeth” after your two great grandmothers. It was a perfect name just like you. I got busy decorating your nursery. That was exciting. It was very pink and very girly. I had your name put on the wall, a full wardrobe of monogrammed clothes and I was ready for you. I would often sit in you room for hours picturing you and waiting. I would rock in the pink gingham rocker and dream about you being in my arms. Around 37 weeks I just knew something was up and you were ready to be born. My doctors thought  I was being irrational but to humor me they checked and I did have some leaking fluid. My heart told me you were ready to be born, I need to always listen to my heart. Sometimes I forget. I went to the hospital ready to give birth. Everything went very fast and you arrived in a dramatic way, as I should

have expected. Nothing about you has ever been “ordinary”. You were born with your umbilical cord wrapped twice around your neck. So tight that the midwife had to cut it away. During all this drama your two excited grandmothers were tying to burst into the room and had to be shoed away several times. Everyone was more than ready for your arrival. You were perfect. Actually you were the most perfect and beautiful baby I had ever seen. I was expecting you to look different. Maybe squished or red-I’m not sure. You had a perfect face, a head full of beautiful brown hair and when you cried it was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard in my whole entire life. You were skinny and tiny like a “naked wet squirrel”. When I bathed you for the first time I cried because I was scared to break you. I had to leave the hospital before you because the doctors wanted to keep you an extra day to make sure you were healthy enough to go home. I remember vividly pitching a huge fit because I didn’t want to be separated from you for even a moment. I had stayed up constantly since you were born, not sleeping a wink. I think I was worried someone would take away my most precious gift. I felt the need to constantly protect you. That feeling never went away. I left the hospital crying with empty arms. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt up to that moment in my life. Unfortunately I would experience a much worse feeling 12 years later when you were taken away from me and I had to again leave the hospital without you in my arms. The night after your birth I was “kicked out” of the hospital. I think I called every hour all night long to check on you. I woke your daddy up at 5 a.m. to take me back to you. I hadn’t slept and I needed to get back to you ASAP. I went into the special care nursery around 6 a.m. and refused to leave until I was able to take you home. They finally relented. I’ll never forget what I was wearing coming home, noticing the pink balloons on the mailbox. You were wearing the most beautiful onsie (that was wayyy too big) and a cute little white bonnet. Excited grandparents met us at the door. I expected life to slow down once I got you home...it didn’t. I hardly ever slept (no exaggeration) for the first two years of your life. I worried constantly that something would take you away from me (I was right about that). I constantly listened to your breathing and dealt with your health issues all along the way. But I wouldn’t change a thing. We often tell stories and laugh about how you never wanted to miss a moment. You were the most spunky and strong willed child I had ever known. This served you well throughout your cancer journey. You were not scared of anything and we had to sometimes put you behind gates just to keep you safe. You grew into the most loving and greatest big sister ever. And the smartest most loving daughter I could have ever hoped for. I could talk about you for days but I am sure you are busy and have work to do and your birthday to celebrate with your friends. I know you feel how much we all love and miss you. That will never stop until we are with you again. Save a spot for us at your party. I will love you forever and ever. 

Mommy

*Each year on Mary’s Birthday we celebrate Mary by asking our friends and family to donate $ the same amount as her birth age to show her love. This year she would be 15. If you feel led to do so you may donate $15 to our United fund that we use to fund research that will destroy pediatric cancer, specifically AML, for good.  Mary was very adamant that we join her fight to find a cure. Thank you! www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united