Thursday, September 13, 2018

Why I care...and you should too. πŸŽ—

Many people probably believe I am passionate about childhood cancer because I lost a child to the awful disease. That is only partially true. There is so much more to my story and many reasons why I can’t function daily unless I keep the fight going. Awareness is just 1/2 the battle. Trust me, before my daughter got sick I knew almost nothing about childhood cancer. Honestly I didn’t want to know. It’s not exactly a pleasant topic. As most people probably do I turned a blind eye to the cute, sick, bald children I saw on TV commercials. I might have read a few facebook posts about a sick child then I would think “How sad and horrible”.  I’d maybe say a prayer and move on with my day. I mean, isn’t St Jude curing all of them!?!? Send them your $20 a month and all will be ok. Right!?? 
The truth is, as wonderful as St Jude may be the commercials are very deceiving. They pull at your heartstrings but we are very far from a 80% cure rate. I believe people need to know the real truth and honest facts in order to want to join in this fight against childhood cancer. Unless you know the truth you can’t understand the urgency and need to make changes. Looking past the horrific treatments these children endure such as the prods and pokes, the burns, the screams, the sickening chemo, countless medications, nausea, indescribable pain, transfusions, sleepless nights, months and sometimes years...there is so much more to understand. I can try and explain what the nightmare is like but there are literally no words to describe how horrific it actually is. It is unimaginable and I describe it as a war with bloody casualties and horrendous scenes you can never unsee and only wish you could. Watching your child tortured day after day is your only hope for saving them and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. It destroys families and lives. It changes you~ forever. The truth is this...doctors, specialists, nurses have the best intentions to cure your child but the advancements are so few and the knowledge is so little that they are really just giving treatments their best guess. Some kids have cancers that are considered rare with a slight chance of survival and they survive. Some have more common cancers with high cure rates and don’t survive. It’s a game of roulette. Some types of childhood cancers do have more treatment options and higher cure rates because they have gotten most of the attention and funding while some have zero cure rates and little to no advancements. The treatments for all
of them are barbaric and many treatments haven’t changed at all over the last 40 yrs. There have only been a few drugs approved specifically for children while adults have 100’s of drug options...think about that...how can this be? It is for many reasons. I believe the main reason is because kids don’t have a voice. Many parents that go through this cancer experience can barely survive it themselves much less talk about it during or after the fact. If their child does survive many want out of the cancer world for good, understandably. They desire a life of normalcy and without the burden of cancer. If they lose their child the grief is too painful to constantly relive. 
Drug companies deal with a lot of politics and red tape. They don’t want to experiment on children for ethical reasons. In order to try out new drugs on children the child has to be in fairly good health. Many of these children are in frail health and have aggressive or advanced cancers and don’t quality for drug testing. This is even though parents may beg for any new treatment options when the typical treatment options are exacerbated. We did, we begged and searched to no avail. Most childhood cancers are diagnosed after they are already in advanced stages. Many symptoms are subtle or acute or written off as typical childhood aches and pains. Many adults are diagnosed at earlier stages and have symptoms they can express to doctors and are able to request more testing. 
The National Cancer Institute (NCI) is the government agency that funds most cancer studies. Of all the $ they allocate  less than 4% is granted to children’s cancer research. Children are not a national priority and only the most common cancers get most of that 4% pot. The more “rare” types have little funding and therefore have made few advancements. Some types of cancer like DPIG have a zero percent cure rate...zero. The 5 year survival rate = a cure in the cancer world. Many of these children that survive for 5 yrs. after diagnosis are not necessarily cured. Many relapse months/years later and many are still enduring treatments at the end of 5 yrs. Some are lucky to survive but of those who survive 2/3 will have severe and lingering health problems because of their cancer treatments. Adult cancers and children’s cancers are totally different entities. What treats an adult may not benefit a child with the same cancer. A child’s DNA and bodily make up is different from an adults. Researchers and doctors are now realizing this and beginning to treat them differently. There are 12 main types of childhood cancers and literally 100’s of subtypes. We need alternatives to chemo and more targeted therapies. We are finally seeing some new less aggressive treatments being developed but it’s slow moving. It’s all about the money and money is needed to fund cures. If the government isn’t helping then it is up to private organizations to raise the needed funds and support the studies with the most promising research. That is what we do with our “United for a Cure Fund”. I fight with Mary everyday by first spreading awareness then finding ways to raise $. I plead, I beg, I expose my heart. It’s worth it to me. I couldn’t save Mary but maybe I can help save another child in the future. 
When I first realized all of these true facts it blew my mind. In an advanced society where we can put a man on the moon and develop an atomic bomb why haven’t we found cures for childhood cancer? Or maybe a better question is why hasn’t anyone cared before? Now with social media and other news outlets we can share our story, our reality and work to help change things one person at a time. In fact childhood cancer has never been a priority. Ever. One child suffering is one too many and hundreds of thousands have suffered for way too long. My daughter once said to me, “If I have to die so others can live then I’m ok with that.” As much as I didn’t want to hear her say this at the time I believe she was much smarter than me. She has always been smarter than me and she knew something I didn’t. If she survived then the people who followed her story would never grasp the urgency for change. We shared Mary’s life through cancer because she wanted to. She wanted to change things and help others, her life was a secondary concern to her. I can promise you one thing, cancer is not rare. It will effect your family at some point in time if things don’t rapidly change. The childhood cancer rate is increasing, not decreasing. 1/285 children will be diagnosed with cancer by the time they are 20 yrs old. That’s 700 kids a day! Cancer is the LEADING cause of death by disease in children under the age of 19. The life span of a child effected by cancer is shortened by an average of 30 yrs. 
If it hasn’t touched you already it will one day be impossible to turn your head if things don’t change. I just pray it isn’t your child, immediate family or best friend who is effected. But it very well might be. 
Every penny we raise we give to research we feel is making fast and important advancements in the childhood cancer world. We want a cure. A good cure. One with less harsh treatments, fewer side effects and more lives saved. You can help by giving whatever you can and also by sharing our story. Thank you to all of those who don’t and didn’t turn their heads, who continue to lift up our family and constantly support us. There are thankfully many of you. ❤️πŸŽ—XO
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/United 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Graduation πŸ‘©‍πŸŽ“ Staying thankful

Graduation time always stirs up a ton of my emotions. I am always reminded that Mary Elizabeth will never get her chance to graduate from high school. She was not even able to graduate from middle school. She loved school more than any child ever could. She loved learning and socializing~all of it. She loved life in general. She was very smart, super duper smart. She was going to go places and do great things. I have to remind myself that she already has done great things and has gone to the greatest of places even if they were not in the same way I anticipated. By some miracle she was able to attend her 5th grade graduation since she was feeling fairly healthy between chemo treatments. It was a wonderful memory and something I will forever treasure. Her whole class greeted her in hospital masks and they danced the afternoon away. Those same kids are now high school freshmen moving up to be sophomores. I thank God for that special graduation moment we didn’t have to miss because of stupid cancer. Cancer had robbed us of too much already. Life is made up of many 
moments. Some moments you want to remember, some you want to forget and some you can’t forget. I always tried to take pictures and keep a vivid record in my mind of the good moments. I never took special moments for granted even before Mary got sick. I was always thankful for all the good in my life. I think deep down I somehow knew to soak up every happiness because it might be fleeting. I didn’t need cancer to remind me. I wish everyone could step back and just be more thankful. All the good moments remind me of my many blessings. They keep me breathing daily and looking forward to tomorrow. The tough moments teach me hard lessons I can’t easily forget. 
Remember when you get sad that your children are growing up there are many that would give anything to be able to see their children grow up and have these wonderful same experiences. It’s a time to cherish not a time to mourn. You can mourn when there are no longer memories to be made. Next year Whit will graduate from 5th grade at the same elementary school Mary did. Maddy will graduate from the middle school Mary never got to attend but wanted to attend so desperately. It will be an emotionally difficult time but I will also remain thankful for the amazing accomplishments of Whit and Maddy. They make us very proud everyday. I know Whit and Maddy live through these wonderful moments knowing they need to make the most of them and live to do the things their sister could not. They learned too young that life is short and nothing is guaranteed. I know Mary is also very proud of them and she is watching them succeed in life from her wonderful new home in Heaven. Maybe my kids are not in all honors classes, they are not always the most athletic, talented or whatever. What they are is happy. They are strong and they are healthy. I’ll take that any day. 
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

-SΓΈren Kierkegaard

Monday, February 5, 2018

15

Mary’s birthday is here. She would be 15.  I can’t even fathom this to be a true fact, honestly. I imagine how tall and beautiful she would now be.  She would be learning to drive (scary). I believe she would be performing in many singing and dance performances at RISPA,  school and church. She would have many wonderful close friends who appreciate her sense of humor and her gigantic heart. I am sure she would be active in many clubs, church activities and projects that help others in need. To go there in my mind and really think about all of this breaks my heart in two. I will never fully understand how and why she was chosen as the unlucky one to have been taken by the evil that is cancer. Maddy is helping to plan her birthday celebration. Thank goodness for Maddy, without her I couldn’t plan effectively or even think clearly. She is a sassy boss lady, but she gets the job done. We have made it a tradition to make Mary a special cake, send notes to her on pink balloons to Heaven and to spend the day just celebrating her. Reliving good times and happy memories makes the pain a little more tolerable. Maddy and Whit are so strong and amazing. They love their big sister with their whole heart. We will forever be broken with holes in our hearts and nothing can completely fill them. I think these special activities help them connect and “speak” to Mary. All of this is very painful for me, but I know we will forever celebrate the day our first perfect, spunky and beautiful baby girl was born. Mary’s siblings will never forget her. They will always look up to her and celebrate her life as often as possible. Cancer sucks!!!

Dear Mary,
Happy 15th Birthday!!!!
We miss you terribly and we desperately wish we had your human self here to physically love on and celebrate with. I feel certain your spirit will be with us celebrating this very special day. Maddy has designed a special cake and we will be sending you some balloons up to Heaven. I am sure this would be a very important day for you if you were still here with us. Maybe you would want a new phone, new make up and new clothes. But I am certain that you would also be giving to someone else in need and not thinking about only yourself. That is just how you were. We ask you to give us some type of sign so we know you are here with us. You always come though. Every time I think about another birthday without you my heart hurts. It physically feels pain. It will always be this way, I am afraid. πŸ’”
In keeping with birthday tradition I will share and remember your birth story. You always loved hearing it and PaPa always did the same for me. Yours is a doozie...here goes...
Before I got pregnant with you I had suffered many miscarriages. So many, in fact, that I lost count. But I was determined to have a child of my own. I begged and pleaded with God to help me. “Just one child please God, just one.” πŸ™ When I first found out about you I was excited but guarded since I had already experienced so many disappointments. I carried you always scared and worried that you might be taken from me at any moment. Your 20 week appointment told us you had some health issues and we would have to watch you closely throughout. There was a chance you might not grow as big as you should and might not survive to full term. I got ultrasounds often which actually gave me some peace. I bought my own heartbeat monitor so I could listen anytime I wanted at home. Once I could feel you move I was able to breath a slight sigh of relief. We found out you were a girl and we were thrilled. We named you “Mary Elizabeth” after your two great grandmothers. It was a perfect name just like you. I got busy decorating your nursery. That was exciting. It was very pink and very girly. I had your name put on the wall, a full wardrobe of monogrammed clothes and I was ready for you. I would often sit in you room for hours picturing you and waiting. I would rock in the pink gingham rocker and dream about you being in my arms. Around 37 weeks I just knew something was up and you were ready to be born. My doctors thought  I was being irrational but to humor me they checked and I did have some leaking fluid. My heart told me you were ready to be born, I need to always listen to my heart. Sometimes I forget. I went to the hospital ready to give birth. Everything went very fast and you arrived in a dramatic way, as I should
have expected. Nothing about you has ever been “ordinary”. You were born with your umbilical cord wrapped twice around your neck. So tight that the midwife had to cut it away. During all this drama your two excited grandmothers were tying to burst into the room and had to be shoed away several times. Everyone was more than ready for your arrival. You were perfect. Actually you were the most perfect and beautiful baby I had ever seen. I was expecting you to look different. Maybe squished or red-I’m not sure. You had a perfect face, a head full of beautiful brown hair and when you cried it was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard in my whole entire life. You were skinny and tiny like a “naked wet squirrel”. When I bathed you for the first time I cried because I was scared to break you. I had to leave the hospital before you because the doctors wanted to keep you an extra day to make sure you were healthy enough to go home. I remember vividly pitching a huge fit because I didn’t want to be separated from you for even a moment. I had stayed up constantly since you were born, not sleeping a wink. I think I was worried someone would take away my most precious gift. I felt the need to constantly protect you. That feeling never went away. I left the hospital crying with empty arms. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt up to that moment in my life. Unfortunately I would experience a much worse feeling 12 years later when you were taken away from me and I had to again leave the hospital without you in my arms. The night after your birth I was “kicked out” of the hospital. I think I called every hour all night long to check on you. I woke your daddy up at 5 a.m. to take me back to you. I hadn’t slept and I needed to get back to you ASAP. I went into the special care nursery around 6 a.m. and refused to leave until I was able to take you home. They finally relented. I’ll never forget what I was wearing coming home, noticing the pink balloons on the mailbox. You were wearing the most beautiful onsie (that was wayyy too big) and a cute little white bonnet. Excited grandparents met us at the door. I expected life to slow down once I got you home...it didn’t. I hardly ever slept (no exaggeration) for the first two years of your life. I worried constantly that something would take you away from me (I was right about that). I constantly listened to your breathing and dealt with your health issues all along the way. But I wouldn’t change a thing. We often tell stories and laugh about how you never wanted to miss a moment. You were the most spunky and strong willed child I had ever known. This served you well throughout your cancer journey. You were not scared of anything and we had to sometimes put you behind gates just to keep you safe. You grew into the most loving and greatest big sister ever. And the smartest most loving daughter I could have ever hoped for. I could talk about you for days but I am sure you are busy and have work to do and your birthday to celebrate with your friends. I know you feel how much we all love and miss you. That will never stop until we are with you again. Save a spot for us at your party. I will love you forever and ever. 
Mommy

*Each year on Mary’s Birthday we celebrate Mary by asking our friends and family to donate $ the same amount as her birth age to show her love. This year she would be 15. If you feel led to do so you may donate $15 to our United fund that we use to fund research that will destroy pediatric cancer, specifically AML, for good.  Mary was very adamant that we join her fight to find a cure. Thank you! www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united


Thursday, January 18, 2018

Happy New Year Mary Elizabeth,

Dear Mary, Elizabeth,
Happy New Year!!! 🎊 its a time for new beginnings (which I need) but it also means I survived another year without you. New Year’s Eve was a hard time for me.  It use to be fun with you. When you were here we spent family time together and had PJ parties with friends. We would stay up for the final countdown and toast with sparkling cider. Those wonderful memories I will treasure forever. I try to enjoy these, now mostly painful, times as much as possible. My smile might look real but it is really just hiding the tears. I can usually hold them back if I mentally block the memories from reaching the surface. Lately I have had a few public meltdowns. The tears flow and I can’t stop them. I don’t like not being in control of my emotions but I’m sure this is part of the grieving process. I have so many wonderful memories with you. Many more good times than bad. The not so great memories are the ones that I don’t want to ever have to remember but they sometimes invade my thoughts. Like the New Years that you had your first lung bleed and intubation. Other than witnessing your passing watching you be intubated was the worst memory of my life. I believe there are few things much worse than seeing your child having tubes and machines breath for them and keeping them alive. Watching you lay paralyzed and helpless was unimaginable. But not being able to help you was worse than horrible. I held your limp hand for hours and I prayed and prayed that I would be able to hear your sweet voice again. I’m sure I tried to make many deals 
with God.  Thank goodness you came back to us. I often wondered what you felt and heard during those times. Thankfully you seemed to not remember much. Many times when things felt hopeless a miracle would save you and bring you back to me. Only a miracle could do that. When we lost you I questioned those miracles. I thought that maybe they were just wishful thinking or my imagination. I’m starting to believe in them again. Please tell God I’m sorry for my anger and doubt. Although I’m sure He knows and understands. 
Today we had more snow and I wish you were here to enjoy it. It’s hard to enjoy it or have any kind of fun without you. I hope you have snow in Heaven. I can remember you waiting by the window excited and impatiently waiting  for the first flake whenever you heard there was a chance for snow. Then you would run around wild with your brother and sister. But you were always watching to make sure they were safe and behaving. We would make snowballs and mini snowmen. We would make snow cream and laugh about not picking up the yellow snow. I miss you so bad that it hurts. My heart aches for you. I know I will see you again. I love you so very much. Happy New Year in Heaven. I can hardly wait until our reunion.
                      Love,

                  Mommy