Life goes on...

As the weather is getting warmer and I feel spring in air I always start to focus on new beginnings. Spring is always my favorite time of year and Easter is my favorite holiday. Mary loved it too and she always helped me to decorate around the house. But getting out decorations these days is still a struggle. I cry instead of feeling happy and joyful. I feel good and positive most days, but I find myself in dark sad moments at random times still.  They grab me and it's hard to find my way out. I sometimes feel "normal" and happy. Life almost begins to feel good again and then BAM I remember the reality. The reality is I miss my best friend and she is forever gone. Her bed is empty, her friends are growing up without her and she is not here growing up by my side. The fantasy can only last so long before this reality slips back in. I feel very alone, like no one remembers or cares or...I don't know. It is just a sad, depressing and empty feeling. Having several sick family members currently fighting cancer doesn't help as it sometimes seems like a family curse and brings up painful memories.  But I do try to focus on the positives. That helps and I know I have many. I have close friends who have stood by me throughout everything I have been through and they never deserted me in my darkest of times. Most sane people would  have run away, they didn't. They held my hand, they still do. They don't judge and they love me regardless of my flaws, as I do them. I feel to have one of these friends is a treasure and I am lucky to have a few. Maddy and Whit are beyond amazing kids. They are flourishing in life, period. They are successful in school, sports and with friends. I really could not be more proud. They are my biggest treasures.
We have a loving family and we are open and supportive of each other. This is big. I am lucky and blessed. I still see goodness in everyday and it helps when I can keep fundraising and sharing our story to make a difference. You never know where you will touch someone. This week I had an unexpected encounter with someone whose daughter had cancer, a relapse and a BMT. I actually don't think most of his coworkers even knew his story or could understand the depth of his journey. Praise God she is surviving and flourishing, but sadly I could see the many scars left behind through this dad's tears. The fear never goes away and childhood cancer leaves lasting reminders and cracks in families that last a lifetime. But I am glad I am able to be out there and hopefully making a difference for those who still have a fighting chance.  I now have a new friend and he has a new support if he needs one.
Through this journey I have learned some hard lessons that help me cope. I have to go against my inherent personality traits most of the time, but I know to grow and be a better person there are some things I must do.
1. Stay away from negative people. People that make me feel bad or sad are not needed in my life. Cut ties. This is a biggie. I hate cutting ties, it's not my nature. But this is important. Not everyone will like or love me. I have to accept that and move on. I can't control other people's behavior, just my own. I can't spend time worrying about their perception of me. I stopped following any negative people on social media. This is a biggie.
2. Say "no". Sometimes you just have to refuse the things that give your life added stress. And/or ask for help. I really am working on this one!
3. Don't fear appearing weak. I hate feeling weak or unable to accomplish something. I feel strong and want to be independent but sometimes it is important to let insecurities go and trust others to help. Or just ask for help. It's okay. Really :)
4. Don't always be so trusting. I often put faith in people I probably shouldn't. I feel I am a trustworthy person and expect those around me to be the same. They don't always have the same intentions. Most people are selfish-it's human nature. Just know this. Don't take it personal.
5. Put myself and my happiness first at times and not feel guilty. This is big. It is hard for me to not live for the happiness of others. But you get one life, be happy, make the most of it. I believe this 💯
6. Forgive myself. This is hard for me and probably most everyone. We all are probably hardest on ourselves. I think this is human nature. But I have to forgive myself to allow growth and healing.
7. Just live day by day and moment by moment. Try not to control all aspects of my life. Being in control feels good. But I learned the hard way it is impossible to control every aspect. Be open to change. I think it is good to have a plan but it if doesn't work out don't let it make you crazy. Just go with it and look for the positives.
8. Spend time with the ones you love. Talk and take pictures and make memories. I promise you that tomorrow is never promised. Have no regrets.
9. Be ok with failing.  I think it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. I want to always look successful and for my ideas and plans to be the best...truth=sometimes they aren't. Move on and try again. But don't ever give up on your dreams or ideas. One is surely to be amazing. Ha.

So, for me life is ticking along. Sometimes slowly, sometimes too quickly, sometimes peacefully, sometimes with anxiety and sometimes with happiness. But it is LIFE. I'm just going with it .

I am attaching a really good article that resonated with me about being a people pleaser. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else also.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/

By Henry Van Dyke
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is
 Eternity.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/11-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youre-a-people-pleaser/

Tri Delta and St Jude

I've been thinking about this post for a while and now is the perfect time to write it. Sororities/fraternities many times get a bad wrap. You often only hear the negative stories and not often enough the positive ones. When I went to UGA joining Tri Delta was one of the best decisions of my life. But even then I had no idea the impact that decision would have on me. The girls I met became my closest and lifelong friends.  To this day many of us talk daily/weekly.  We still get together often and we support each other through all of life's ups and downs. They have supported me through this cancer journey in more ways than I could ever tell you in this brief writing. That is what joining a sorority is about: sisterhood and bonding for life. It's for real. For me their support and love meant everything. I know 100% that if it was not for my Tri Delta sisters I wouldn't have made it all 4 years at UGA.
I always knew that St Jude was Tri Delta's philanthropy but I never knew how important that would be until my beautiful Mary was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and needed St. Jude to save her life. When I walked into the hospital and saw the strong influence of Tri Delta it gave me such peace to know my sisters put such a big mark on the place that I prayed would be able to heal my child. If anyone could, I felt they could. Mary also believe it with all of her heart. When we landed in Memphis she burst into tears. I was confused and asked her if she was ok. She said, "I'm just so happy because I know this place will save my life." They didn't save her, that obviously wasn't in the cards, but we did get 10 more miraculous months. Mary loved St Jude and she wanted to be a Tri Delta even more after being there.  She loved seeing pictures everywhere of the sisters, the art, the pin embedded in the waiting room wall and their visits.  We often talked about my fun times at UGA and all the good times with my sisters. I can't explain how it touches my heart to be able to go back to Athens to share my personal story with the new sisters.  It's great to see the tears in their eyes and know they can feel the hard work and money raised really does make a difference. To have a freshman come up to me from my high school to tell me she became a Tri Delta because of me and Mary. To tell me that she wants to be a Pediatric oncology nurse makes me feel as though our journey has a purpose. Last year our chapter raised over $60,000 and this year the goal is $81,000. I have no doubt they will reach it and beyond. I am beyond proud. I am hopeful more girls will join sorority life and be proud of their sisterhood. It can be a wonderful thing, I know I am forever proud and thankful. I know Mary is also. Delta Love!

14

I've been in denial. I totally blocked it out and avoided the date. It's not like I didn't know it was looming-it was one of the best days of my life. I have been filling my calendar, writing in appointments, meetings and other upcoming events but avoiding that one particular day-February 5th. It's amazing what we as humans can ignore when we put our minds to it. Then today I did it, I flipped the calendar to February and drew a small heart on the 5th. It's Mary's birthday. I can't even accept it or believe it; the fact that she should be turning 14. How can this even be? She will be turning 14 in Heaven and not having her 14th birthday here on earth. I truly don't know how this is even my reality. She should be picking out make up and getting a manicure. We should be shopping at her favorite stores and getting Starbucks together. We should be planning a fun weekend with friends and talking about boys and music. Instead I am trying to avoid thinking about this day because it brings sadness and tears and rips my soul in two. On this day to honor her memory, if you wish, you can do like last year and donate $14 in Mary's honor. It will go into our fund and 100% will go toward AML research and trials for children. You wouldn't believe the difference it made last year. Seeing 100's of $13 donations made a big difference but not only that it also said to us that so many cared and remembered Mary. We will celebrate Mary on Sunday.  We plan to get a big pink unicorn cake, release 14 pink balloons toward heaven and cheer on the Falcons while eating her favorite meal of steak and shrimp. We will remember her best times, her happy times, the times we laughed and loved. I will cry and cry a lot because that is what I do.  I am still sad and heartbroken that my sweetest Mary is not here with me. My life will never be complete without her.
I decided to look up the significance of the number 14. I know it has to be important. 14 would have been a big year for her. Mary would be in 8th grade and almost ready for high school. She would be taller, more beautiful and as vibrant as  ever. 12 years with her was just not enough. This is what I found out about the number 14 if you are also interested.
Valentine’s Day, of course is celebrated on February 14 every year. It is a day for romance and love.
The Fourteen Stations of the Cross are stations for meditation used by many Catholics in the Roman Catholic Church.
The stations consist of fourteen crosses and may also have pictures.
The believers go from one station to the next saying prayers.
These are the fourteen stations approved by Pope Benedict XVI:
1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
2. Jesus betrayed by Judas and arrested
3. Jesus condemned by the Sanhedrin
4. Jesus denied by Peter
5. Jesus is judged by Pilate
6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns
7. Jesus takes up His cross
8. Jesus is helped by Simon to carry His cross
9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
10. Jesus is crucified
11. Jesus promises His kingdom to the repentant thief
12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other
13. Jesus dies on the cross
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb
 In Engelbert Humperdinck’s opera “Hansel and Gretel”, there is the prayer of the lost children: “The Fourteen Angels”:
When at night I go to sleep,                                  
fourteen angels watch to keep,
two my head are guarding,
two my feet are guiding;
two upon my right hand,
two upon my left hand.
two who warmly cover,
two who o’er me hover,
two to whom ’tis given
to guide my steps to heaven.
The number 14 represents deliverance or salvation and is used twenty-two times in the Bible. The term "14th" is found 24 times in scriptures.
The fourteenth day of the first month is the Passover, when God delivered the firstborn of Israel from death. Some 430 years earlier, on the night of the 14th day of the first month, God made two covenant promises to Abraham — one of the physical seed, Isaac, and his descendants, and one of the spiritual seed, Jesus Christ, and the sons of God who would come through Him, who would shine like the stars of heaven (Matthew 13:43). On the day portion of the 14th, God confirmed the promises with a special covenant sacrifice.
"After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.' But Abram said, 'Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?' . . .
"And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, 'This one shall not be your heir, but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.' Then He brought him outside and said, 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.' And He said to him, 'So shall your descendants be.'
"Then He said to him, 'I am the Lord, who brought you out of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to inherit it.' And he said, 'Lord GOD, how shall I know that I will inherit it?' So He said to him, 'Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon. . . . ' " (Genesis 15:1-2, 4-5, 7-9, NKJV)
On the 14th day of the first month in 30 A.D. Jesus Christ, God manifested in the flesh, the only begotten Son of God the Father, and the Lamb of God to take away the sin of the world, was crucified as the perfect sacrifice to save mankind from sin. Jesus' death on Passover completed His ministry in the flesh.
Seven represents completion - thus 7 + 7 = 14, indicating a double completion:
1. Jesus' ministry in the flesh was completed.

2. Jesus' sacrifice ended or fulfilled the need for animal sacrifices.

I would personally say the number 14 seems to be pretty significant. Mary, I will miss you forever and ever until I am with you again!
*I have attached a picture of a pink unillama and the number 14 you can change to your profile picture if you like. It is something Mary would find hilarious and a reminder of her birthday. I am also attaching the link to our fund if you want to give ❤️

www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united