Almost a year...

I have decided to start a blog. Something I thought I would never do.  I don't really read blogs. They usually bore me. They seem to be people bragging about their seemingly perfect lives, political views, homeschooling their kids or whatnot. But I also never thought I would lose a child. Lots of things I thought would never happen to me. Lots of things I thought I would never do. I will be taking a break from Facebook starting on September 2nd Mary's date of entering Heaven. I will do this for my own sanity, but journaling keeps me sane.  I will periodically update this blog on the "Prayers for Mary Elizabeth" page.  I will keep you up to date, for those who are interested, on our family and what is going on in the world of childhood cancer. 

It is hard for me to believe it has almost been a whole year. A year without my miracle child and my first born daughter, Mary. The worst year of my life. I pray things get better. I don't know if they will. How have I survived? Barely.  Hanging by a thread. I don't really know actually. If my children have come through minimally unscathed then it is an absolute miracle. I don't know what the future holds but I hope I can find some good and some blessings along the way-in the midst of this mess. The year of firsts without Mary has been almost unbearable. This next year of seconds with be just a reminder that she is really gone and my life is moving forward without her. I chose to share my pain and hurt and our story along the way not because I really wanted to let people in, because really I didn't. I didn't like telling our story. It wasn't pretty. It isn't pretty. But childhood cancer is such a gory story that hasn't been told enough. Too many details have been left out. I can 
understand why. But if someone doesn't tell it then nothing will be done to change the details of the story. I have tried to tell the raw truth to help move the change along. But in doing so it has also destroyed a little part of my soul. It makes it all very real. Too real. I hope in doing so it has also done some good. I will keep telling Mary's story. Her legacy is beautiful. She was the most beautiful soul I have ever known. If I had the choice to go through this pain over and over again then I would choose "yes" every time without hesitation just for the chance to be her mom. She made me proud everyday. I have decided to take a break from telling our story and from Facebook for a little while. I will continue to journal and share my feelings and the journey on my terms and in blog form but I think It is important to step away and heal a little. The wounds are too fresh and the pain too raw. I will keep fighting and working towards a cure but I just need to be private for a minute. I need to focus on my family and kids a little more and start trying to put my life back together. I am looking for my happiness and trying to find  a new purpose. Who knew at the age of 43 life would be so confusing. These are suppose to be the best years of my life, not the most painful and difficult years.  I need to be a healthy person so I can be a productive person for those who need me the most. Following so closely these new diagnosis and losing 
so many kids to this awful disease is more than I can bear right now. And I hope it is more than you can bear. Please help us keep the fight going, the awareness going, and the money raising campaign coming along. It is the only way we will make a difference.  September is "our month" to shine and we will. But we must keep telling the story all year long. One child dying of cancer and suffering from this illness is one too many. 

I know I have told this story before, but a few weeks before Mary passed she told me, "Mama if I have to die so others can live then I am ok with that. And so many of my friends are in Heaven and I miss them." When she said this to me it broke my heart and I just cried. I really couldn't hear it. I didn't want to hear it nor did I truly understand her wise words.  It was only a couple of weeks before her passing and during this time I was busy making deals with God.  I believed Mary could be healed and be the miracle the world needed to see in order to believe... But now I think I understand that if she had lived then people would not have seen the real devastation of this disease or realized the real need we have for change. By her living things would not move forward like they should. Lives would not be touched and people would not "see".  As hard as this was for me to comprehend I now think this was the truth I didn't want to "see". Now I just have to accept it, forgive, make peace and find purpose in this outcome. But that is on me. Thank you for being a support to our family and others.  Most importantly thank you for not forgetting Mary and her friends...ever. This is always one of the biggest fears we have as a parent who loses a child too soon. Thank you for keeping her spirit alive-always. Mary's story is far from over. 

If you would like to donate to our fund you can do so at this link: www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
United for a CURE