Mary,
Happy birthday. Today is the hardest birthday without you so far. 16 is a huge milestone and we will surely celebrate. We will celebrate your life and all the amazing, wonderful things you accomplished and are still accomplishing. I will try hard to focus on that instead of what is missing and lost. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I will try to remember the blessing that you are. It is depressing making a cake for someone who can’t enjoy it but I’m sure in Heaven you will have some of all
your favorite foods. I know they will taste a millions times better than they do here on earth. Your image is missing from my eyes but you are never gone from my heart. I believe your spirit is surrounding us and I know you are never too far. Please show me a sign today, I can’t deny, because honestly I need it. I just need confirmation you hear me and are with me, especially today.
I get called strong and courageous, but it’s all fake. I fake a smile and I fake inner strength because I have no choice but to go on without you. Living daily without you is like trying to breath under water. It seems impossible and I mostly feel like I am drowning. I hear you saying to me “Momma, I’m sorry. I’m here. I love you. Be strong” so I try. I stay as busy as I can and I try to be productive, this helps. I sometimes write letters to you now because it helps me process and I feel like you can read them. I just wish you could write me back. All I want is to find a purpose and happiness again. It’s hard. I know too much about the darkness of the world, but I try to walk in the light. I just want you to be happy and at peace. I want to see you and hold you again. How can you have been gone from my arms for 3 years??? It seems like a millions years ago since you left this world and at the same time it seems like yesterday. It’s complicated and confusing all in one. I think partly because losing a child is something hard to comprehend and goes against human nature. And part of
the problem is accepting that time kept moving after you passed. It just seemed all wrong for the earth to keep moving. I love you. You made me a mom, the only thing I ever wanted to be. You taught me patience and true love. I am forever grateful to you and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been your mom and to have had you as a best friend. Happy 16th birthday today.
XOXO,
Mommy
-For those who want to honor Mary and her life today a good way is to do something meaningful and special for someone else. Remember her. Pray for our family. And/or give to a charitable organization in her honor. You can always give to our “United for a CURE” fund where we donate 100% back to research for pediatric AML. If you give $16 today we will know it will be in her honor and to celebrate her birthday. Thank you.
Follow for a link :
www.curechildhoodcancer.org/united
