Dear Mary, Elizabeth,
Happy New Year!!! 🎊 its a time for new beginnings (which I need) but it also means I survived another year without you. New Year’s Eve was a hard time for me. It use to be fun with you. When you were here we spent family time together and had PJ parties with friends. We would stay up for the final countdown and toast with sparkling cider. Those wonderful memories I will treasure forever. I try to enjoy these, now mostly painful, times as much as possible. My smile might look real but it is really just hiding the tears. I can usually hold them back if I mentally block the memories from reaching the surface. Lately I have had a few public meltdowns. The tears flow and I can’t stop them. I don’t like not being in control of my emotions but I’m sure this is part of the grieving process. I have so many wonderful memories with you. Many more good times than bad. The not so great memories are the ones that I don’t want to ever have to remember but they sometimes invade my thoughts. Like the New Years that you had your first lung bleed and intubation. Other than witnessing your passing watching you be intubated was the worst memory of my life. I believe there are few things much worse than seeing your child having tubes and machines breath for them and keeping them alive. Watching you lay paralyzed and helpless was unimaginable. But not being able to help you was worse than horrible. I held your limp hand for hours and I prayed and prayed that I would be able to hear your sweet voice again. I’m sure I tried to make many deals
with God. Thank goodness you came back to us. I often wondered what you felt and heard during those times. Thankfully you seemed to not remember much. Many times when things felt hopeless a miracle would save you and bring you back to me. Only a miracle could do that. When we lost you I questioned those miracles. I thought that maybe they were just wishful thinking or my imagination. I’m starting to believe in them again. Please tell God I’m sorry for my anger and doubt. Although I’m sure He knows and understands.
with God. Thank goodness you came back to us. I often wondered what you felt and heard during those times. Thankfully you seemed to not remember much. Many times when things felt hopeless a miracle would save you and bring you back to me. Only a miracle could do that. When we lost you I questioned those miracles. I thought that maybe they were just wishful thinking or my imagination. I’m starting to believe in them again. Please tell God I’m sorry for my anger and doubt. Although I’m sure He knows and understands.
Today we had more snow and I wish you were here to enjoy it. It’s hard to enjoy it or have any kind of fun without you. I hope you have snow in Heaven. I can remember you waiting by the window excited and impatiently waiting for the first flake whenever you heard there was a chance for snow. Then you would run around wild with your brother and sister. But you were always watching to make sure they were safe and behaving. We would make snowballs and mini snowmen. We would make snow cream and laugh about not picking up the yellow snow. I miss you so bad that it hurts. My heart aches for you. I know I will see you again. I love you so very much. Happy New Year in Heaven. I can hardly wait until our reunion.
Love,
Mommy
