I haven’t updated the blog in a while. Honestly I haven’t felt much like writing. I didn’t feel like there was anything new to say really. After a while it seems like things are basically the same and my feelings are the same. I get tired of talking about the same thing. Time is marching on and my time away from Mary has just gotten longer. In some ways I feel stronger but sometimes I still feel like a weak, lost puppy. I think I live in denial a lot of the time to function in the everyday world. I can’t look at pictures or memories of her without getting sad and falling apart. I do go there sometimes when I need to feel Mary’s presence and when the missing her is unbearable. I can’t do this often. I have to find a quiet time alone to be in my misery and cry as I need to. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. It’s just so painful and my heart can barely take it. I miss her terribly and the worst part is she is never coming home. Missing her will never go away. I stay as positive and focused on my kids and projects as much as possible. I have had breakdown moments I didn’t think I could recover from, but I did. In many ways I have gotten out of the survival mode. I’ve had to take control of my life and my mental and physical health. I’ve had to figure out how to fix the things I could that were bringing me down. It’s a challenge because life is unpredictable. I feel the desire to control the things I can. I want to figure out who I am now and make the most out of this life. Especially if I am stuck here on this earth a while longer. Death changes you. My perspective and needs have changed. Idesire happiness, any
little bit I can grab. It is like a drug that I look for and take any chance I can. It is fleeting but if I don’t treasure the bits and pieces I find I feel my soul will surely wither away.
Halloween was harder than I imagined this year. I got stuck wondering what costume Mary would want. She always had such creative and different costume ideas. She had her own mind and didn’t go along with what was popular with the crowd. I cried over the missing candy bucket and extra candy we didn’t have to sort. I imagine if she were here she would feel old enough to go trick or treating without us. She would go with her friends throughout the neighborhood. She would have come home with funny stories and lots of laughter. I did put out more decorations this year than last. Mainly because the kids helped and wanted me to. They need things to be as “normal” as possible. I get it. There was still a box of Halloween things I never touched. Sometimes it just seemed easier to buy new stuff than to torture myself with past memories and cause myself more pain. I just wasn’t ready to be “normal.” I don’t feel like anything is “normal” or ever going to be for me...maybe next year...
For Thanksgiving I decorated more than last year but there is still a box I couldn’t open...maybe next year. The kids wanted to move straight to Christmas but I am always adamant we take one holiday at a time and enjoy it for what it is. I actually let them decorate their rooms for Christmas early and we have some Christmas and Thanksgiving decorations intermingled. Why not???Who cares???Honestly I’m ready for the holidays to be over but I would never say that out loud. I am not a total Scrooge. Not totally. I am still very very thankful. I can choose to focus on the negative and be miserable or focus on the good. I can focus on the missing person at the Thanksgiving table or be thankful for who is still there. That is what this season is all about, focusing on being thankful. Mary would have been thankful for the food. She loved food and loved to eat. Thanksgiving was one of her favorite times because...well the food is
awesome. Plus she loved her family so so much.
awesome. Plus she loved her family so so much.
There wasn’t much she didn’t love. Every year Inotice more and more people are missing from our Thanksgiving table. It makes me sad. This past year we have lost several family members and it will be especially difficult. One day hopefully extra people will be added to our table and I will still be alive to enjoy it, if I am lucky. This is a reminder to make the most of everyday and to spend time and enjoy every moment you can with those you love. Every second one spends sad or angry or depressed is a wasted moment you can never get back. I try to remember that and I hope you can also.
I am thankful most for Mary. The 12 years I got to spend with her were a blessing. Being her mom was one of my greatest blessings. I’m thankful for the lessons she taught me and the love she shared with me. I am most thankful for that and I will try hard to stay focused on the positives. I am thankful for those still at the Thanksgiving table and for those missing this year. I am thankful for the many wonderful memories we were able to share throughout the past years. I hope all my loved ones can find the positives and keep focusing on those instead of the negatives. Life for me is now made up of moments and memories which I cherish. I want to make sure the moments are as good as possible.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends. Be sure and count your blessings. May the good always outweigh the bad.
